September 17th - If not now - when?

The story...

I've got no plans for today until about 5:00pm.  Actually, I'm writing my blog at the same time that I normally do, and I'm drinking my coffee made the same way that I normally do.  My newspaper will arrive about the same time that it normally does and my Apple watch will gently remind me that I'll need to stay active to close my stand-move-exercise goals. I'll check my financial investments and likely make at least one change; then, I'll walk around our property picking up limbs and noticing changes.  I'm interim fasting so I expect that I'll greatly enjoy my lunch again today.  I've a to-do list sitting next to my recliner that lists projects that I may choose to work on - I looked at it and now plan to change my health-care plan today which'll take one-to-two hours.  I'll greet my spouse with love when she walks into the main room and we'll enjoy each other's company.  There's time to work out and enjoy my relationships within this day - with God and with others: close friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and people I've never met before.

What, within my power, might I change now that'd have the greatest impact on both me and others?  For me it'd be more fully resting within my relationship with God in Christ - freely meeting with God today in prayer - centering in on fundamental truths.  Honestly assessing myself with my heart praising the glory of God.  Living hopefully with all peace and joy (Romans 15:13).

The only church in town will be a place where all people, in almost every stage of life, will be welcome.  There'll be customs, rules, habits and expectations that'll be agreed to; yet, they'll not be a burden - they'll provide a good environment and point them towards the good life safe in Christ.

Just for today...

"I had to find a positive behavior to replace the fretting. Today if I catch myself worrying, I write down my specific fears, no matter how preposterous they may seem. Once I get them out of my mind and fix them on paper, I ask God to show me which ones are real and which are imagined."  Hope for Today (p. 261)

"I do have a power, a God-given one, and that is power over my own mind, emotions and reactions. If I exercise that power wisely, the problems outside of me will work out without my interference."  One Day at a Time (p. 261)

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now - when?"   Rabbi Hillel (Pirkei Avot 1:14)

"Pirkei Avot, which translates to English as Chapters of the Fathers, is a compilation of the ethical teachings and maxims from Rabbinic Jewish tradition. It is part of didactic Jewish ethical literature. Because of its contents, the name is sometimes given as Ethics of the Fathers." Wikipedia

September 16th - Worry = Imagined fears worked into reality?

The story...

I'm tagging along with my mother as she shopped at the Fareway Grocery store.  She wasn't one to quickly fulfill our wants so we walked past the bins of penny candy without discussion.  One day, I willed to stuff a piece of candy into my pocket.  I saw the mirrors on the walls and knew that there was a risk that I'd be caught - I just did it.  I must have been sweating when I waited in the checkout line - I know that I fretted over the decision for days or longer.  I don't know how I resolved the moral dilemma - maybe I never did.  

How does a 4-year old boy resist?

I can remember this theft over sixty years later so it must have been an important "incident" on my mental record of who I am.  Am I good or bad?  Did I return it and toss it back into the bin?  Did I offer to pay the one cent?  Did I confess the sin and ask for forgiveness?  Did I try to do more good stuff to outweigh my failure?  Did I just push my misdeed out of my consciousness and stuff it within the recesses of my mind?

I believe that this incident occurred before I accepted an invitation to trust God's great work in Christ for the forgiveness of my sin.  Being right with God empowered me to walk more humbly and rightly with Him.  What might I've done had I stole the candy after I accepted God's provision for my sin?  Would I have confessed this known sin in my prayers, thanked Him for forgiving me for my sin through Christ, and restored the most important relationship that sin separates?  I do know that God knows our hearts better than we do and that no man is good - scripture says so.  His will works out with or without me.  I'm so thankful that God loves me in Christ - I'm walking through life with Him.  Man that's good news.

The only church in town will be the place where you can hear the real good news.  It's a place to worship God together.  It's a place to learn about Him, His revealed Word, us, the future, and true love too.  It's a place to develop the relationships that seem to be a big part of the recipe for your "good" life.  No need to fear and worry that fear into a bad reality.  

Why not trust God and actually live out a good-to-great life within His will?  If that's your will, then why not engage in that only church in town?

Just for today...

"They plead the worst case scenario in a very convincing way, until it almost seems frivolous to consider a positive outcome.  Yet the loudest voice is not necessarily the truest." Courage to Change (p. 260)

"Let me not force my own certainties on others. I could be wrong. A generous tolerance can smooth out many rough places in my day-to-day living." One Day at a Time (p. 260)

September 15th - What if I don't react?

The story...

"When somebody engages you in an emotional interaction that's fueling painful reactions - drop the rope - quit playing the game of tug of war."  I remember hearing this advice and contemplating the potential value.  Refuse to play in arguments and emotional bondage exchanges - drop the rope and diffuse the virtual tug of war.  I applied this wisdom for a few weeks and I was surprised how often I'd been falling into the trap of debating opinions and arguing against another person's perspective, life view, or opinion.  Alternatively, I could demonstrate respect for the other person by listening to and seeking to understand them - I didn't have to agree or disagree with them.  I could show love and respect for me while allowing them to be who they were too - a better way to begin a relationship that might help both parties actually grow.

Three Mile island - Reactor meltdown

Even if you believe you won the argument, the old adage remains: "Convince me against my will and I will be of the same opinion still."   People within the only church in town will frequently be at different stages of their life - I hope that they'd meet patience and grace along the way.

Just for today...

"Some of us have a constant drive to do something about everything that happens, everything that someone says to us . . . When I react, I put the control of my peace of mind in the hand of others."  One Day at a Time (p. 259)

"Nothing is good or bad, it is thinking that makes it so."  William Shakespeare

September 13th - What do I truly fear?

The story...

The surgeon showed me my spinal x-ray.  "Your spondylolisthesis between your L4 and L5 vertebrae is pinching that bundle of nerves which is causing pain in both your back and your lower extremities.  The surgery will align the two with metal rods and the impingements will be removed - of course their are risks."  My life wasn't doable, I opted for the surgery, there were complications that I suffered through, yet the eventual outcome was positive - my fears were alleviated.

spondylolisthesis - From Wikipedia

I don't characterize myself as a fearful person, yet there are things I fear.  The sum of my fears seem to fit within the following seven categories:

1. Changes within the "game of life" requiring adaptation
2. Living outside the will of God
3. Loneliness
4. Loss of loving relationships
5. Loss of security for me and those I love
6. Prison - loss of freedom
7. Rejection

The only church in town will shine the light of God's revealed Word on our reality.  The causes of our fear may remain yet solutions are attenable and available within the "Light."

Just for today...

"God grant me the wisdom to recognize the faults I am building into a wall, such a wall as cannot be penetrated even by love."  One Day at a Time (p. 257)

"Why does a dog bark? I feel terror when I'm on the receiving end of ferocious barking. I suspect that a dog barks because of his own fear. If the dog really wanted to attack, he'd dispense with the barking and lunge for me."  Hope for Today (p. 257)

September 12th - "I was just trying to help . . . my intentions were good."

The story...

Bill approved my attending an AMA, American Management Association, new manager seminar in Chicago.  I wanted to be and do my best in my new manager role.  What new tools and methods might I learn?  I left the seminar with a small book that included phrases that could be inserted into performance appraisals if you couldn't think of the right message - I don't remember actually using the book yet it felt good to have it on hand.

I wish that a mentor would've noticed my tendency to get into other people's business.  Sure my intentions were good - I wanted to "help" them to be that "better" more "capable" person that I imagined they could be.  When they had personal trouble, I tended to delve into their lives to "better" understand their situation, offer advise, and even to become involved in their work in order to "help" them along.  It seemed that I was hoping for a sort of co-dependent relationship where they valued my part in their "growth."

Thankfully I had a high performing, capable, person reporting to me who was going through a personal situation that was significantly affecting his work.  My efforts to intervene, with good intentions, were not working.  A wiser, and more experienced, manager called me out on my "coddling," intrusive, and "Christian like" intervention.  "You aren't helping him, you're enabling him to stay as he is and fail.  Hold him accountable for the results, be available if he needs support, and get out of his way."   The new approach worked and I changed my "management" style thereafter.  I adopted a pattern of giving each person the dignity; respect; necessary support; and freedom to fulfill their roles, responsibilities, and assignments - it was good, reasonable, more natural, and better results followed.   Some were not successful and moved on to a job or organization that was a better fit.  

I wish I'd have adapted some of those principles within my personal life too.  I eventually did, yet it took years for me to habitually offer most people the dignity and respect to be the unique person that they were without my "good intentioned" interference, "designed by me" to help them be who I thought they "oughta" be.  I was acting like a little god - ugh.

The only church in town would allow people to more honestly live out their lives starting with where they actually are.  Healthy relationships would be available to help them work out their lives alongside other people according to righteous principles and truth. It seems to take people a lotta time to grow - much longer than you'd ever expected.  The only church in town would be a patient, loving, and respectful environment where God's will is witnessed within reality.

Just for today...

"She is getting unconscious satisfaction from managing other people's lives, while she imagines her intentions are only good . . . Heaven protect me from my good friends who, with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, an justify my complaints."  One Day at a Time (p. 256)

"Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, then deciding what we will do about it . . . I will give myself time to accept my situation before I act." Courage to Change (p. 256)

September 11th - Are relationships worth the effort?

The story...

I obsessively thought about a family situation yesterday - it surprised me because I thought that I had victory over what some might call "stinking thinking."  I felt left out, marginalized, under-valued, avoided, with my concerns and interests ignored.  I began to imagine scenarios that were possible and built them into an imagined reality that made sense - I began to prepare and protect myself according to this new imagined reality.  It turns out, my obsessive thinking was unwarranted.  Two phone calls finally clarified the family behaviors according to a "truer" reality - I now better understood their perceptions and behaviors even though they seem odd and a tad unreasonable to me.

Would it help to work on improving my relationships with other family members?  Yes, but it takes time and requires me to offer them the dignity and respect for being just as they are.  Is it possible to develop a relationship with them without the need to fix, manage, control, change or argue opinions with them?  Yes, that's how I plan to move forward.  

The only church in town will have people who perceive the same situation or scenario in different ways.  Better relationships will improve the situations yet they'll not prevent turmoil.  Might we let them be while still working on building or mutual relationships?  Might they grow in response to good supporting relationships?   Is relationship building more fulfilling then vain attempts to build up, promote, and protect ourselves?

Just for today...

"The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word meaning to tear flesh. 'Wouldn't I feel pretty cheap if I could hear myself being played back? Wouldn't it give me some idea of my part in the family troubles?'"  One Day at a Time (p. 255)

"...when the feeling comes up, I recognize it, share about it, accept that I felt it, and then set it aside. I no longer assume that it has validity . . . Today I will take one of my assumptions about myself and hold it up to the light. I may find that it stems from habit rather than reality." Courage to Change (p. 255)

September 9th - Where do I go if I don't need to go anywhere?

The story...

Being a relatively young retiree, I've time, resources and capabilities that are ready to go.  The big question is: where do I go if I don't need to go anywhere?  Here's an attempt to list the decision criteria that I might use in no particular order.  Will doing it:

• benefit me in the future?
• help me feel better?
• give me something to be proud of?
• help relive my unwanted feelings?
• be with people I'm comfortable being around?
• make me more secure physically or financially?
• give me something to talk about?
• glorify and honor God and His Word?
• help me remember "better" times?
• fulfill my obligations, or promises, to other people?
• occupy my mind so that I won't be thinking, or dwelling on, negative thoughts?
• hurt me or diminish my capabilities?
• help me to love and be loved?
• teach me something new?
• fulfill a latent need or want?

Not surprisingly, only one was not primarily about me - it's highlighted in bold.  Personally, I want to walk through my life journey humbly and justly with God - Micah 6:8.  I say "yes" to a life with choices that leads to a productive and peaceful life where "we" might experience true joy, Romans 15:13.

The only church in town will offer power, peace, rest, and hope amidst all circumstances.  A respite where we might set our focus from ourselves to our Lord and Savior - a loving Father (Abba).

Just for today...

"Am I using my capabilities well? Do I recognize and appreciate all I have to be grateful for? Actually I am the possessor of unlimited resources."  One Day at a Time (p. 253)

"Does my face look calm? Don't be fooled. I'm just afraid to let you see the truth. You might think I'm foolish or weak. You might reject me. So I don't talk, and the pain remains." Courage to Change (p. 253)

"... I don't have to respond to the face of anger. I don't have to explain my motives to an irrational person." Hope for Today (p. 253)

September 8th - "Believe that thou mayest understand."

The story...

One day I heard the good news of the gospel and believed.  Some great other worldly event happened that day - scripture says my name was written in The Book of Life.  Another day, I chose to fully trust God's Word and to drop the doubting inklings that held me back. Thereafter, I walked more closely with God in thought, prayer, quiet meditation, and in awe of His mysterious workings within my life.  I began to live a more thankful, curious, loving, honest, and expectant life.  I became a good character in the greatest story of all time - more rightly walking humbly with God.  Loving the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, and soul.  Loving myself more and my neighbor too - through the power of God.

Oxford site where Inklings met on Tuesday mornings

The only church in town would not leave new believers, of the Good News, as babies who can't yet chew the meat of God's revealed Word.  They'd share their knowledge, faith, actualities, and more humbly walk through life together with God by faith.

I continue to be in awe of the wonder of creation, life, this day, and this breath.  Please join me in praising God in thankfulness - fully trusting.

Just for today...

"What obstacles block me from tuning over my will and my life to God? In my case, the answer is obvious: I want guarantees. I hold out, thinking that I'll come up with a new solution to my problems even though I've tried and failed, again and again. The risk of faith seems too great. If I turn a situation over, I won't be in control. I can't be sure I'll get my way." Courage to Change (p. 252)

“For understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore do not seek to understand in order to believe, but believe that thou mayest understand.”  Saint Augustine, Homilies on the Gospel of John, 29.6, vol. 7, (p. 184)

"If I bring sunshine into our home, it cannot fail to affect those in it."  One Day at a Time (p. 252)

September 6th - What's really important?

The story...

What's really important today?  I've done a pretty good job of resisting the need to make lists within this blog; yet, this seems like a good place to list what's really important for today - in rank order:

1. Pray and be quiet with God.
2. Love the Lord my God - Abide with my Father in a sort of continual prayer/connection.
3. Be conscience of the Holy Spirit's work as I walk humbly and patiently within the will of God.
4. Eat, breathe, and take care of my body.
5. Love my wife as I love myself.
6. Be joyful, hopeful, peaceful, and bear His fruit.
7. Love, and receive love from, my church community - the body of Christ.
8. Build up key relationships more than they've naturally declined.
9. Interact with neighbors and take opportunities to let'em know they're respected and loved.
10. Blog and continually learn.  Grow to be a better man who trusts God.
11. Read what God says.
12. Maintain and grow the assets that I'm entrusted with.

It's easy for me to see other people not acting out their age and life reality.  I hope that I continue to work out the phase of life that I'm actually in and don't short cut my life story.  I want to be a good character, within the epic story of life, who was and is faithful to his God and Father.

I hope that I remember, each day, that my story's important only because it's worked out within the will of God.  The Holy Spirit indwells me for His biding and He will be resting in the hands of God after my body breathes it's last breath.  Yet, God's promised a new everlasting body for all eternity - we only know this through His revealed Word found in the bible.  I hope that each of us stays curious regarding the spiritual reality that's just as real as our journey on earth yet eternal. 

The only church in town would grow Christ ones who live for today, plan for tomorrow, and think on eternity.  They'd learn to live in the reality that we're eternal beings who're journeying on this orb, earth, for but a few seasons.

Just for today...

"...most people spend more time planning vacations than they do thinking about what is really important in their lives . . . Am I so busy with smaller, less meaningful concerns that I run out of time for the really important considerations?"  Courage to Change (p. 250)

"Perhaps I have felt a right and an obligation to set the standards for the family and compel those around me to live up to them . . . Teach me to leave to others their inborn right to dignity and independence, as I wish to have them leave to me."  One Day at a Time (p. 250)

September 5th - Enjoying my imaginary Olympic games - did I spend too much time there?

The story...

I loved the idea of the Olympic Games and often imagined competing in my favorite event(s) - decathlon, downhill skiing, biathlon...  I'd be the victorious one who worked hard to overcome all problems and shortcomings to be the best.  "It would be soo... great to win."

It pained me to think that the wait was four years between events.  I do wonder whether the reality of the games was as good as I hoped it would be.  Certainly, I never actually went to the games and the TV coverage was much more limited then.  Was I living in that imaginary world trying to fulfill needs of mine?   I sure enjoyed following: Mark Spitz, Bruce Jenner, Edwin Moses, Eric Heiden, Usain Bolt, Bode Miller, Katie Ledecky...

Pride in my Country and hopes that I too might win in the game of life seemed like positive traits.  Did they compel me to want to be a better man?  Even if I couldn't actually win, I could live more often in an imaginary world where I might.  Was I spending too much of my thought life in an imagined future versus living out the actual day(s) that were mine?

I expect that the only church in town would preach the Good News of how we can live out this life, and the one to follow, walking humbly and close with God.  Imagining the future and reflecting on the past are helpful yet they surely are less important than living out the reality of today.  Today is where we both can live out each breath of this miracle of life and be in the present where God is.

Just for today...

"I'd get so caught up in what I was going to do that I often wasn't aware of what I was doing now . . . I give thanks for the little joys in each day. I still make plans, but I don't let my thoughts erase the present. Anticipation is sweet, but not at the cost of today."  Hope for Today (p. 249)

"The true nature of my problems was my stubborn refusal to acknowledge feelings, to accept them, and to let them go. I have very little power over what feelings arise, but what I choose to do about them is my responsibility. Today I can accept my feelings, share about them with others, recognize they are feelings, not facts, and let them go."  Courage to Change (p. 249)

"Our greatest handicap is self-deception. We cannot recognize in ourselves the faults we criticize in others."  One Day at a Time (p. 249)

September 4th - Do I worry to control the uncontrollable?

The story...

What if we had one day per week where we didn't plan anything?   We could pray, listen, exercise, rest, care for ourselves and others, and enjoy relationships.  How about being flexible with our schedules, resisting engaging in other's business, and living a more joyful, peaceful and hope-filled day?

Some of you might be thinking: "I'd like to be like that yet it's impossible - the other people in my life don't behave like that."  Might a more fruitful life spill over into their lives too and be a sort of engine drawing others towards the good stuff of life?

How might we better respond when we feel a need to be more okay by controlling our environment or interactions among other people?   Developing, sharing, or arguing, opinions is an alternative yet likely won't get us where we want to go.

The only church in town will communicate God's revealed truth - God has a will for creation and for you and me too.  You'll hear there that He will work out His will with me or without me.  Yet, He enjoys me and His creation and has good news for all humanity.  His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ, has paid our debt for the trespasses that kept us apart from out Creator.  A life walking with Him is much better than the losing battle of  trying to glorify and protect ourselves.   We can be brought close to Him through faith and trust through the great redeeming work of His Son.  Wow, I can only inadequately imagine what eternity will be like with God.

Just for today...

"I was surprised to find myself still grabbing for old fears as if I wanted to remain in crisis. I realized that I didn't know how to feel safe unless I was mentally busy. When I worried, I felt involved - and therefore somewhat in control."  Courage to Change (p. 248)

"Some of us, after long enduring misfortunes we didn't know how to cope with, reached a breaking point. In our hopelessness we even felt rejected by God, so we never thought of turning to Him for help."  One Day at a Time (p. 248)

"Do you take note when others are sick and offer them the same attention you crave? . . . Let it begin with me."  Hope for Today (p. 248)

September 3rd - Why not enjoy other people as they are?

The story...

I sat down at the table with only one person sitting there.  It seemed rude to squeeze in with my friends when this guy was by himself.  He seemed uncomfortable, with me sitting with him, yet appreciating the company.  Another guy sat with us too.  Neither of them seemed to want to listen to my take on the questions and topics posed to the group - they've heard me freely express my thoughts, ideas and will before.  So, I focused on better understanding each of them without stepping out to share my own perspectives which I've refined over the years.  The conversation was smooth and balanced - everybody seemed to win.  Better lifestyle practices were worked out - less preaching, pontificating or recommending.  It felt good for my behavior and intentions to be more aligned; yes, I seemed to be more true to me and to the group too.  I wanna live like that more often without trying - actually caring for others.  The bar seems low, easy to do, yet I expect even my most focused effort to change my behavior will take much longer than I imagine unless I "actually" love my neighbor as myself.

Teddy Roosevelt - A really good listener

The only church in town will be a place to develop meaningful relationships to walk through life with.  Most importantly, our relationship with "That in Which There is No Greater."

Just for today...

"I realized that there was little I could change about the situation. All I could change was my response to it."  Hope for Today (p. 247)

"What am I doing that creates difficulties for me or aggravates the ones I have? Could it be that I'm trying to fix everything by finding fault with somebody else?"  One Day at a Time (p. 247)

"Strive to be patient; bear with the faults and frailties of others, for you, too, have many faults which others have to bear. If you cannot mould yourself as you would wish, how can you expect other people to be entirely to your liking? For we require other people to be perfect, but do not correct our own faults." Tomas Kempis - The Imitation of Christ (Ch. 16)

September 2nd - Engage in community already - growing together is real good.

The story...

We rode our bicycles to Grand Haven and participated in the Coast Guard parade.  We seemed to fit in with our bike clothes as we squeezed along the parade route.  There were so... many people who seemed to have planned to feel and do good that day.  You could see and feel expectations of happiness with their decorations, sandwiches, red-white-blue clothes, and generally happy, gabby and cheering natures - throngs of like-minded people.  They were excited by the bands, small-floats, old-guys on small Cushman scooters, small lollipops, clowns, Coast Guard helicopters roaring overhead, and being together.  A woman threw me a stack of t-shirts that I passed out and wore - I felt engaged within the community.  I'm reexperiencing some of the joy and happiness as I recall the event.  Thank you Grand Haven - ya done real good!

I expected good and received that good along with the unexpected too.  I might've worried about how I'd be accepted by the group - possibly marginalized, or reexperiencing prior feelings of rejection.  The 44-mile bike ride had it's associated risks yet we accepted them.  What if the people I went with didn't want to do or go according to my will?  No, I was fully engaged in the "now," within community, and my self-focused will was virtually locked up - chained and left with the bikes next to that big tree.

Why not let down your guard and risk being kinder and engage in life already?  We might accept the risk of being amongst people with whom we might interact, learn, grow and experience the giving and receiving of love - together.  As for me and my house, the only church in town is the place where the good stuff of life's available 52 weeks per year.

Just for today...

"If I am expectant of good, it will surely come to me. Even the grace of courtesy gives rich immediate rewards in response . . . Concern, love and kindness on my part will be reflected in everything that takes place in my life." One Day at a Time (p. 246)

We all have a sort of reaction tolerance band.  Hyper reactions occur when I overreact and Hypo reactions occurs when I underreact.  Might widening that tolerance band minimize unhealthy reactions, to whatever the trigger, for the benefit of us all?

September 1st - Self-Care

The story...

Should I put on my favorite old t-shirt or that button-downed collared shirt?  Why take a shower if no one will notice?  Why put the books back on the book shelf?  I'll probably need them tomorrow.  Why get my hair cut?  It doesn't look too bad.  Why vacuum the carpet once per week?  I really don't notice the difference.  Why not eat and entertain ourselves the way that we normally do?  Why study the bible?  Netflix has programming designed to entertain, teach, and satisfy and it'll give us something to talk about.

Do I take good care of myself?  Am I worth taking good care of myself?  Do I take good care of myself for me or to appease others?  Is it okay to love yourself and enjoy your life?  These are good questions and they seem to fall under that heading of self-care.  

Do I practice self-care first to develop a sense of love and value for me?  Or, do I focus on understanding, valuing, and loving me to open up my will for practicing self-care?

The only church in town will spread the good news that God's provided the way for you to be loved and safe within the hands of God.  You're valued and can enjoy an everlasting relationship with God in Christ.  God even says that the same Holy Spirit who raised Christ from the dead will reside within you as evidence of your saving faith.  By His shed blood our sins are forgiven - we can be right with God.  His resurrection proves He's both God and has the power to resurrect you with an everlasting life and new body too.  Man, that's good news.  Take good care of yourself - you're truly worth it.

Just for today...

"When our problems enclose us and saturate our thoughts, we find ourselves in an insolation that gives us an acute sense of loneliness . . . Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed."  One Day at a Time (p. 245)

August 31st - Are you looking for a friend or a pet?

The story...

I use to have a difficult time maintaining friendships.  They took too much effort and I inevitably neglected the friendship - it'd sort of drift away.  I assumed that these drifting and changing relationships were natural and sort of like the ebbs and flow of life.  I may've neglected them when they ceased to provide me what I wanted or the other person wasn't who I wanted them to be.  Maybe they disagreed with my opinions or had dissimilar interests.  We were different.  Was I looking for a friend or a pet?

Why didn't I tend to accept people as unique individuals and enjoy the differences?  Did I really need to have them agree with me in order for them and me to be okay together?  Were my behaviors learned from my family or did I develop them over time as a sort of personal protection?  I don't know why I behaved that way I did but I do know that I am enjoying deeper relationships today - relationships that may be characterized as mutually respectful, honest, growing, and walking together towards...

Good place to develop friendships.

The only church in town will be a "rich" field for growing fruitful relationships.  You'll find people to walk alongside as you work out purposeful lives together - fruit bearing lives - more meaningful and loving relationships.

Just for today...

"I will not expect too much; this will shield me from being annoyed at little things that don't go just the way I wanted them to."  One Day at a Time (p. 244)

"I have often tried to change other people to suit my own desires. I knew what I needed, and if those needs weren't met, the problem was with the other person. I was looking for somebody who would always be there but wouldn't impose on me very much. Looking back, It's almost as if I were looking for a pet rather than a human being."  Courage to Change (p. 244)

"Perhaps you should try believing that I believe."  Hope for Today (p. 244)

August 30th - A pearl of wisdom: substitute "What if" with "Even if."

The story...

They asked me to participate in a group activity that was new to me - there was nothing particularly challenging or demanding on my part.  They didn't say what we'd actually be doing - they just said "give it a try, come along, it'll be fun."  How would it go?   I was a bit uneasy with the unknowns - there was no particular cause that I could put my finger on.  Maybe my discomfort came from my not knowing what to expect or subliminal fears of failure, rejection, or disrespect.

Who taught me to set expectations for future events and to evaluate them regarding how they either met or didn't meet my expectations?   Actually, a wise mentor helped me develop a practice of evaluating business' activities or projects - was it better, the same, or worse than I expected and why?  

"What if they treat me bad, what will I do?" may be substituted with "Even if they treat me bad, I'll be okay and true to who I am."  Setting "bad" expectations is different than expecting little and appreciating the good that's actually experienced - the former seems foolish and the later seems wiser.

The only church in town will offer opportunities to engage in the lives of other people within the Body of Christ and the community at large too.  There the light of God's word can be learned - it shines on our hearts and activities to better see "what's going on."  What's going on includes sowing and reaping the good fruit of life.

Just for today...

"I will not expect too much; this will shield me from being annoyed at little things that don't go just the way I wanted them to."  One Day at a Time (p. 244)

"'Perhaps you could try believing that I believe,' I decided to to lean on _____ until I could develop some of my own."  Hope for Today (p. 244)

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image."   No man is an Island, Thomas Merton

August 29th - Expect little and be thankful for what you receive or what?

The story...

I was asked to help mentor a young man within a mentoring group of eight guys and eight adults.  We performed fun games where there was a win-lose component.  The leader asked that each boy rate their performance on three dimensions.  The first was how they did internally - "was I positive and truly engaged on the inside?"  The second was how they did externally - "did I work well with the others during the game?"  And third - "what was the actual score?"  I was surprised how each of the students contemplated as they assessed each dimension of their performance - they all seemed to truly get it.

Many of my disappointments have come from expecting too much.  And, many of my life victories have occurred, in part, by planning for the best.  How do I reconcile this tension between the two?  It's like a tug-of-war with each side pulling - a lot of tension.  Expect little or plan for the best and don't willingly accept failure?  Might we drop the rope and allow both to co-mingle and exist together.  Is life a win-lose battle in three dimensions: Internally, Externally, and the actual score?

Hope College: 119th annual Pull

I hope that the only church in town isn't a competitive environment - a place where each person, and the group that they are aligned with, is trying to win in the game of life.  One team pulling together against the other team(s)?  I hope not - this doesn't seem like the character of God as exhibited in the life of our Lord Jesus the Christ.  I expect that He plans for us to abide in Christ and bear fruit in all circumstances - together as the full-functioning Body of Christ - unity.  We need each other and for the Spirit of God to work out His will within each of us too.  We were created by God to be productive, enjoyed and loved too.

Just for today...

"How many of our frustrations and disappointments come from expecting too much! . . . Let me learn to settle for less that I wish were possible, and be willing to accept it and appreciate it. I will not expect too much of anyone, not even myself."  One Day at a Time (p. 242)

"Life can either be a burden and a chore or a challenge and a joy. One day at a time I can meet the challenges of life head-on instead of head-down."  Courage to Change (p. 242)

"I stopped trying to help her take care of herself, which also stopped the fights we had. I put the focus on myself, realizing that in my disease I didn't know where my mother ended and I began. Finding out who I was, apart from my mother, was my first challenge . . . Today my mother and I have an honest and loving relationship based on mutual respect for each other's boundaries. When we speak, I keep the focus on myself and share my experience, strength, and hope rather than telling her what to do."  Hope for Today (p. 242)

August 27th - DETATCHMENT

The story...

It was a hard and long process for me to form boy-girl relationships and they were even harder and longer to end.  Maybe I was expecting a level of love and attachment that wasn't reasonable or good for either of us.  How did I set expectations for my "true love" relationship?  I don't know the answer.  It's possible that they were good for an ideal world; yet, this world, and the people who work out their lives here, aren't ideal.

Do I need your help and approval in order to be okay?  If I say yes, then my level of "okayness" is tied to your "okayness" with both you and me - ugh.  If I say no, then I have the possibility of being okay with me and freeing you to be okay too.  Might we offer others the freedom and dignity to live out their own lives?

A helpful model came to me from Donald Miller's book "Scary Close," (pp. 206,207).  He illustrates a relationship with three floor pillows: my pillow, our relationship pillow, and your pillow.  The only person who steps on your pillow is you - your soul - same for my pillow.  Both of you can step on the middle pillow because you agreed to be in a relationship.

"Codependency happens when too much of your sense of validation or security comes from somebody else . . . What goes on in the other person's soul is none of your business. All you're responsible for is your soul, nobody else's. Regarding the middle pillow, the question is, 'What do I want in a relationship?' . . . What's going on in other people's minds is none of your business."

"Scary Close." My original notes

 What would the only church look like if they focused on the gospel, the good news, learning and living together and not on changing other people's minds?  Actually, working out their right relationship with God in Christ versus changing their minds related to the theology that "we" believe in?

Just for today...

"I wasn't really admitting my powerlessness or I wouldn't keep trying to control everyone or everything around me . . . Not my will but Your will."  Courage to Change (p. 240)

"...my skill in detaching rested on my ability to accept my own thoughts and feelings and to become comfortable with myself . . . Because my fate - my very life - was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and to listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to exercise control."  Hope for Today (p. 240)

"We are free to refuse to be hurt by a spiteful remark or malicious action. So the whole matter really rests with us. The choice of accepting or rejecting an offense is ours alone . . . What can words do to me unless I take them to heart?"  One Day at a Time (p. 240)

August 25th - I do need my personal boundaries...

The story...

My friend sits across the restaurant table.  They shared a fact, from a few years ago, that seemed to shine a different light on an unresolved, less than comfortable, situation.  The fact seemed like it might help me to reconcile a relationship barrier and the need for my associated "personal boundaries."  I resisted the urge to probe further and quietly listened to my friend.  No, the fact did not resolve the root causes for my personal boundary yet the knowledge did shine more light on the situation.  I'm glad that I didn't rush to pick up and remove the boundaries with hopes that all is well - it wasn't and that's okay.  We do live in an imperfect, and fallen, world that is staffed by selfish-self-justifying people like I'm capable of being.   Boundaries have been helpful to me but I've moved them, and sometimes removed them, as circumstances and people change.

I've a few close friends, many casual friends, a good sized network, numerous acquaintances, and some who don't have my best interest at heart.  Those who've acted in ways that demonstrate that they don't have my best interest at heart are outside my boundaries.  They have their reasons for resisting me, maligning me, or even working to influence others to agree with them - they likely believe their opinions and rationally justify their stance.  It's not my job or right to try to change their opinions or behaviors; yet, I don't have to endure the strain of the relationship.  Yes, boundaries can be helpful.

Will you need boundaries within the only church in town?  Regretfully yes, even those who are rightly related to God in Christ retain their sin nature and ego that tends to clash with others.  I hope that most of the relationships within the only church in town would exhibit a level of respect commensurate with our common position within the Body of Christ.  We're all a work in progress who need community to live better lives.

Just for today...

"Quietness is a great ally, my friend. As long as I keep my poise, I will do nothing to make matters worse."  One Day at a Time (p. 238)

"... I am learning to play a new instrument - myself. I am a person with the capability to experience a wide range of emotions, from love to joy to wonder . . .  just to be alive is a great thing."  Courage to Change (p. 238)

August 22nd - Why not live an honest, hopeful, joyful, and peaceful life?

The story...

What a joy to spend a couple of hours with a good friend sharing life together - the time investment always seem fruitful.  Good friends share common: stories, reference points, sense of safety, and knowledge that the other has their better interest at heart - a fellow creature who's truly willing and able to understand and grow together.  I'm so thankful for my good friends... 

It seems that all of my most probing meaning-of-life discussions have drilled down to a most important directive that God has revealed:  "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and strength.  And, love your neighbor as yourself."  So, why not just go out and love God, love yourself, and, from these strengths and power, love your neighbors too?  Well, it's because it's not within our constitution, will, and power do so.  Yet people try hard to be a better version of themselves and even fund a never-ending series of self-help books to help them try.  Self-improvement efforts likely end up trying to bend reality to suit our will with us acting as a sort of pathetic little "god,"  A little god who imagines there attributes to be far greater than they are and who finds pleasure in thinking that all others want to be more like them.  They often spew out "advice" and direction as to how others might be reworked into their own self-image of perfection.  UGH...

So, how might we take the first step of loving God when our sin is abhorrent to, and incompatible with, a relationship with Him?  We might will an imaginary idea of God who is compatible with our life code and experiences; yet, there's no real power in that.  We could listen to the good news, the gospel, that God has done all the work of removing our relationship sin barrier through His own great work in Christ.  Simply trust in God's great work and walk through life in His light where reality and sin are illuminated for what they are.  Why not walk the path of living an honest, humble, hopeful, joyful, and peaceful life in Christ?  Romans 15:13  Not following the path by doubting the possibility is _ _ _ _ _ _!

The good news of the gospel would be the common theme of every meeting within the only church in town.  People would hear the good news and the life testimonies of real people.  Close friends will likely be found there too - those whom you can walk side-by-side with on your journey to the celestial city.  I hope that you'll join me in praising God in Christ and resting in thankfulness, peace, and the power of God almighty

Just for today...

"Yet what do I do with the thorns of resentment and hatred when they pierce my thoughts? Do I leave them there and watch them grow, while I suffer increasingly from the pain?"  One Day at a Time (p. 235)

"I wanted to know how to become an adult with sound values, self-respect, and self-esteem. I sought this lesson from everybody - my parents, employers, spouses, children, friends etc.  - everybody but God and myself . . . I had to stop sabotaging myself by looking on the outside for something that exists only within."   Hope for Today (p. 235)