September 11th - Are relationships worth the effort?

The story...

I obsessively thought about a family situation yesterday - it surprised me because I thought that I had victory over what some might call "stinking thinking."  I felt left out, marginalized, under-valued, avoided, with my concerns and interests ignored.  I began to imagine scenarios that were possible and built them into an imagined reality that made sense - I began to prepare and protect myself according to this new imagined reality.  It turns out, my obsessive thinking was unwarranted.  Two phone calls finally clarified the family behaviors according to a "truer" reality - I now better understood their perceptions and behaviors even though they seem odd and a tad unreasonable to me.

Would it help to work on improving my relationships with other family members?  Yes, but it takes time and requires me to offer them the dignity and respect for being just as they are.  Is it possible to develop a relationship with them without the need to fix, manage, control, change or argue opinions with them?  Yes, that's how I plan to move forward.  

The only church in town will have people who perceive the same situation or scenario in different ways.  Better relationships will improve the situations yet they'll not prevent turmoil.  Might we let them be while still working on building or mutual relationships?  Might they grow in response to good supporting relationships?   Is relationship building more fulfilling then vain attempts to build up, promote, and protect ourselves?

Just for today...

"The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word meaning to tear flesh. 'Wouldn't I feel pretty cheap if I could hear myself being played back? Wouldn't it give me some idea of my part in the family troubles?'"  One Day at a Time (p. 255)

"...when the feeling comes up, I recognize it, share about it, accept that I felt it, and then set it aside. I no longer assume that it has validity . . . Today I will take one of my assumptions about myself and hold it up to the light. I may find that it stems from habit rather than reality." Courage to Change (p. 255)

July 15th - Honest or Complacent?

The story...

In general, most people, who know me, would characterize me as being an honest person; however, how I've worked out my "honesty" has changed throughout my life.  We all know that you don't share a poor opinion regarding the beauty of a mother's new baby.  When your spouse comes home with a radically different haircut, you don't question the sound logic of making the change or openly evaluate the "look" as being worse.  Yet, what do you say when the king's not wearing pants yet the whole community pretends to ignore the obvious truth?

Hans Christian Andersen, 1837

The opinions we form, value and defend might be part of this dilemma.  The need to think like the group to remain accepted or valued might be part of the problem.  The continual quest to be and think like the "best" might be part of the problem.  Working out our life as a sort of "random walk" might be part of the problem.  Staying complacent and sticking with, and self-justifying, our current way of behaving is likely part of the problem.

Maybe the solution contains a code of values, principles, or core tenets regarding how we live our life which don't change.  Yet, even if the code we live by is sound, how do we relate with others whose code is different, changing, or directly opposed to ours?  I expect that the answer will likely include demonstrating and expressing dignity and respect toward all humans no matter where they currently are within their life journey.  We'll all likely grow together as we express love towards each other, let our guards down some, and begin to better understand each other within closer relationships.

The only church in town will focus on the truth of God's revealed Word and extend grace to others as Christ has extended to those who trust in Him.  Honesty is an important part of every relationship.  Are you rightly related to God through Christ?

Just for today...

"Complacency simply means being sure we're right, taking it for granted that our view couldn't possibly be wrong. It means judging others by what we think is right. It blocks out understanding and kindness, and justifies qualities in ourselves that we wouldn't find tolerable in other people."  One Day at a Time (p. 197)

July 12th - Life relationships

The story...

The people I normally congregate with planned a different kind of event where we would spend a full Saturday together - all together on a big bus.  I invited two of my long-term friends to go with us - one said yes and the other said yes only because of the first friend's enthusiasm to go. 

Not the bus we went on yet it looks "fun."

It seemed that after about eight hours the initial anxieties and awkwardness of being in a group melted away and it also seemed that we felt a bit more rested and content together.   On the way home, the person who was reluctant to go sat across the table from me eating the largest Arby's roast beef.  They shared that the event was much better than they expected and they were glad that they came; but, he had one question.  I had introduced him to a person within the group whom I described as a best friend who I often shared ideas, questions, learnings, concerns, and spiritual life realities with.  So, what was his question?  "Have you ever shared bad stuff about me with him?"   

I paused as I reflected on the question.  I was surprised that I actually had no "bad stuff "that I knew about my friend.  And, I had no bad feelings or thoughts about any other person either.  At least at that moment, I truly did feel acceptance and respect for all people just as they were.   I was able to truthfully say to him: "Actually, I don't have bad thoughts about anybody and certainly not you.  No, I didn't share bad stuff about you."  He replied: "That's good."

Within the only church in town, people would find compassion for all, just the way they are.  They would learn about the reality of who they are in Christ.  They would be able to love God and themselves too.   That's a source of strength where we can truly have compassion for everybody.  Praise God in Christ - "grace, grace, wonderful grace."

Just for today...

"The more scared I was the more I tried to control.  Fear reared its ugly head particularly in my belief that I wasn't good enough or smart enough to have joyful, trusting and intimate relationships.  Instead of allowing myself to connect with others, I would often avoid them."  Hope for Today (p. 194)

"I can focus on myself and still be a loving, caring person . . . Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to myself, and I don't have to sacrifice myself in the process . . . Today I will offer support for those I love and still take care of myself."  Courage to Change (p. 194)

"If you would be loved, love, and be loveable."  Benjamin Franklin

July 5th - Detach with Love and Let'em Live

The story...

I was a manager who assigned an important project to a person who worked for me.  So, I stopped by his office multiple times to check on how well it was going and to offer help.  He later stopped in my office and told me that it bothered him when I checked on his work so much.  It seemed to him, that I was showing that I didn't trust him or his capability to complete the project without my help - my "checkups" made him anxious.

I was surprised by his feedback yet couldn't doubt its authenticity.  I could have disregarded the feedback by discrediting the sender; yet, he was a good man.  Over time, I did change the way I worked with people within my work groups.  Yet, I didn't apply the principle too well to other areas of my life.  I was beginning to learn the value of detachment and to trust others with their own lives - to treat them more fully with dignity and respect.  

Today, I rarely have an opinion regarding what another person should do with their lives.  I enjoy understanding others more and have developed more meaningful and less guarded relationships with others.  It seems that my life is more influential as I walk side-by-side others rather than giving them unwanted advice.  Might unwanted advice be disguised criticism?

Co-dependent or Independents within Community?

Within the only church in town, would others have opinions regarding how I ought to live out my own life?  They can't possibly know my heart or God's will for my life.  They'd know and share what God's revealed regarding Who He is, who we are as His creatures, and how we might humbly and honestly walk with Him.  I hope that the people would be vulnerable and feel safe enough to share the reality of their faith worked out in the actualities of their lives.  Yet, God's timing and His will for each person's life remains hidden until it's worked out between God and each person.  

Why not live and let live?  Can you trust them with their lives?

Just for today...

"... detachment is the freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs. . . I can detach and still love, still feel."  Courage for Change (p. 187)

June 15th - Seek first to understand and relate to others

The story...

I arrived late to my son's baseball game and merged into the crowd to see my son walking up to the plate.  I yell out some "remember to..." encouragement and he turns in my direction and asks "what did you say?"  The audience looks at me and I sat embarrassed.  I knew then that my behavior was wrong and didn't forget the incident.  It helped me see a problem but didn't reveal the cause. 

Old home plate in our back yard

Much of my life has been spent repeatedly attempting to convey and convince others of my better understanding on any topic of interest to me.  I may've justified this demeaning behavior as a means for "helping" others and refining my thoughts by testing and defending them.  In reality, I inhibited relationships, other people's growth, and my own growth too.  Most importantly, the behavior restrained important relationships.

For me, a better way has been to work out a sincere interest in people as they are and where they are.  It's strange that it would be a surprise to me that people whom I take a sincere interest in seem to become sincerely interested in me too. Close friendships are now part of my definition of the "good" life - I don't want to work my way through life without them.

The only church in town will likely have a preacher who will frequently speak to the full congregation.  I hope that the messages would be centered around who we are in Christ and less about what we should, or oughta, be thinking or doing.

Just for today...

"What are the attitudes and behaviors that may have served me (or at least gave the illusion of serving me) in the past but now limit my capacity to experience joy and fulfillment?  What are the resentments that keep me in bondage to the past?"  Hope for Today (p. 167)

"I will not add to the problem by using cruel, clever words to humiliate a fellow human being. In doing so, I would be shaming myself."  Courage to Change (p. 167)

June 14th - Will what works for you really work best for others?

The story...

Oh the countless hours spent coaching others regarding how they might best improve their lives based on my own learnings and experiences.  Sharing my ways of living seemed like a noble endeavor.  This "story teller" style of interaction attracted listeners.  The dream of telling stories as a professor seemed like a good person-job fit so I worked that long winding path towards a PhD.  The last ten years of my career were spent living out my dream job.

I imagined being a professor who lived on a quiet-tree-lined street, in a one-story house, with a big front porch.  Students would stop by to discuss their research work, to talk about life, or to imagine what might be together.  We'd work consulting engagements together where we'd make a real difference.  As you might expect, it didn't work out the way I imagined.  Students and fellow professors tired me by the end of the day and I looked forward to retiring to my condo outside of campus.

Towards the end of the semester, during my first year teaching in Duluth, MN, a student made a comment to me within a large lecture hall.  "I don't see why we're tested on opinions that you have about anything - shouldn't we be tested on what's proved to be true about the subject?"  He was right; thereafter, I clearly distinguished my opinion from the body of knowledge that we studied together.

So, I do know a lot of stuff yet know that a man should be taught as though they've not been taught. Who can know the will of God for another person?  Within the past three years, I've more frequently kept my opinions to myself and found that I now have few opinions as to what another person might best do or be.  It seems, I don't naturally gravitate to forming opinions about other people anymore.  I do look for, and greatly appreciate, closer relationships with other people and my closer walk with God through the Spirit of Christ.

Interpersonal skills worthy of emulating...

Within the only church in town, people would be allowed to actually grow in their love for God, for themselves, and for other people too.  Each person loving in their own unique way and at their own pace.   The measure of their faith wouldn't be primarily based on their knowledge of scripture or church resume - they would be a unique work of God, rightly related to Him, and humbly walking together.

Just for today...

"It's only natural to want to share what works for me with those I love.  But, when I must share it now, I may be more interested in changing others than in sharing my experience, strength, and hope."  Courage to Change (p. 166)

"We ought not to insist on everyone following in our footsteps, nor to take upon ourselves to give instructions in spirituality when, perhaps, we do not even know what it is."  Teresa of Avila

June 12th - Freedom from Co-Dependency

The story...

I grew up believing that we were right and they were wrong.  Those who were different were dummies.  Follow our rules and code and distance yourself from others who think or behave differently - the group had the right opinion about everything.  My rebellious personality enabled me to break free and experience a broader scope of ideas, behaviors and ways for working out my life.  Thank goodness that I sought to understand others and was curious about their ways of living.  However, like a good soldier, I gravitated toward accepting a set of rules for working out my Christian life.  Yet, I rebelled along the journey - oh... yet for the grace of God and His pursuit of me.

Robert Subby (1984) defined Co-Dependency as "An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."

Melody Beattie (1992) described how she spent most of her time worrying about people and trying to figure out how to control them - manipulation seemed for her like the only way to get things done. She  later realized that she needed to take care of herself first and allow others the dignity to live out their own lives.

The only church in town might focus on the greatest commandments:  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.  And, love your neighbor as yourself.  Attenders would learn how they might find freedom from the co-dependency fostered by a set of legalistic rules designed to control congregate behavior.  Shame and guilt replaced by grace and love.  The presence of the Spirit of Christ would validate the reality of the gospel.  People with right relationships with their Creator and maybe a few people too.

Just for today...

"I discovered how much I wanted other people to change so that I could be happy."  Hope for Today (p. 164)

Beattie, M., (1992). Codependent No More - How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself.

Mr. Stewart describes what it is like to live a life in Christ as opposed to reducing the Apostle Paul's revelations into a set of rules for living the Christian life.  This book was like a wonderful breath of fresh air for my spirit.  Stewart, J. S. (1935). A Man in Christ - The Vital Elements of St. Paul's Religion

May 12th: Why am I repeating my opinion?

 The story...

"If you continue to repeat your opinion then you're trying to control and manipulate others."  I remember when I first heard this.  If that's true then it's also true that I've spent much of my life attempting to manage and control other people's lives.  Me acting like a little god?  My intervention in their lives may have both stunted their growth and hindered their relationship with God. 

A friend of mine told me that he was profiting from reading the book "Scary Close" by Donald Miller.  This peaked my interest as many liked "Blue Like Jazz" and I learned the elements of a story in "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" - I also met Mr. Miller at a Hope College event - I like him.

So, I ordered the book and later went to my bookshelf and found an unread copy - a gift that never read.  Being an academic sort, I marked up one copy and recorded my key points in the back of the book with page references.  My friend and I met and discussed our recorded "key points."  It was a fruitful conversation and we both were significantly challenged by the visual example of the three pillows (pp. 205-209).

(pp. 205-209) notes.

The 3-pillow image is a reminder to avoid the dangers that likely lurk within a co-dependent relationship.  "Co-dependency happens when too much of your sense of validation or security comes from somebody else" (p. 206).  In a relationship, there are two souls - each soul has their own pillow that should not be tramped on by the other person.  The middle pillow is the relationship where both can work life together.  The warning is to never try to change the other person - do not step on the pillow of their soul!  Work out your own soul and allow them the dignity to work out theirs too.  We're responsible for our own soul and nobody else's.

The only church in town wouldn't work to fix, manage, and control each person so that they all reflected the same idea of what a "good" soul "should" look like.  The will of God for each person would be respected.  Each person would be treated with dignity - their soul, or pillow, would not be trampled on.  They'd sow seeds and grow at their own pace.  Each would value the relationship pillows where they work out life together - the community.

Just for today...

"Stating my opinion once is appropriate, any more than that is an attempt at governing those around me."  Hope for Today (p. 133)

"...deep down, there is a part of me, that pushes me to seek peace, happiness, direction, and wholeness in my life.  And I doubt my doubts."  Courage to Change (p. 133)

April 21st - Opinions

The story...

"In my opinion, this is right because of A, B, and C; therefore, I'm right until you prove me wrong." There were at least a dozen different possible interpretations.  Some were more likely than others; yet, only one was true.

Opinions may be likened to barbed wire fences.  We may erect them to keep out the wrong people and the contaminating ideas that go along with them.  In reality, the fences can keep us isolated, narrow minded, stunted and "pricked" each time we bounce into them.

Many of the issues that Christians have with other Christians are related to opinions rather than scriptural or scientific facts.  Christianity and grace seem to go against the natural order of life that I've experienced.  I don't expect that I'd have searched or reasoned out truths about God without them being revealed in scripture.  The things that Jesus is quoted as having said seemed surprising to the people of their day and to me too.  Truly, God's ways are not my ways nor His thoughts my thoughts.

The fundamentals of Christianity are wonderful, operational, and freeing.  The only church in town would focus on working out the essentials while loving and respecting each individual member.

Just for today...

"My intolerance was rooted in two of my main character defects - fear and insecurity.  My opinions were inseparable from my self-image.  If my opinions were wrong, I was wrong.  If my philosophy wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough."  Hope for Today (p. 112)

"With this solid foundation of love and support, our individual differences can only make us richer as a whole."  Courage to Change (p. 112)

April 15th - Tax Day

The story...

The Holland State Park improvement plan was approved in 2010.  It happened whether we liked it or not.  I liked the park the way it was; yet, I like it better now.

One of the changes was the removal of a large number of cotton wood trees in the old parking lot.  I met a woman, while visiting the park, that expressed great anguish and anger over the thought of these trees being cut down.  She claimed that she was working diligently to stop this horrible change from happening.  She seemed physically drained by the dread of the impending change - it happened anyway.

I'm so thankful that I respected leadership's decision and their plan.  I didn't comment much about their decisions and weathered the disruptive steps of the improvement process.  There was much unexpected goodness in those changes - for me and others too.

Politicians who implement their vision for the future, sold during the campaign, are alright with me.  Certainly, they need to work with, and through, others to bring ideas into fruition.  Then we, the represented, can evaluate the results - good, marginal, or bad.   Then, in an iterative way, we build better government and communities too.

Many people complain about paying their taxes - not me.  I stand thankful for my freedom, safety, justice, property rights, care for the poor, shared facilities, parks, road system, public transportation, and all those who serve our communities.

The only church in town would treat their community leaders with respect.  (NASB, Romans 13:1-7)

Just for today...

"All bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."(NASB, Ephesians 4:31-32)

January 16th - Doing the right thing according to what's right

The story...

The snow was deep, the temperature was cold, and I counted 18 deer outside my house yesterday - I've seen more.  They seem to be eating many plants that they didn't eat in the past - they're hungry.  They're reaching higher on the bushes and even nibbling on the Myrtle ground cover.  I'm told that the neighbor who fed the deer died within the last year.  The person who told me about her death also shared that the DNR notified her that she had to stop feeding them a few months before she died.  

There are many reasons for not feeding the deer and the DNR was right for enforcing the law; yet, the problem remains.  Years ago, I decided to stop getting angry at deer for eating or people for feeding.  Being angry seems to just leave you angry with damage to your heart both literally and figuratively.  Who wants to be an angry man?  I could nag at the authorities, complain along with my neighbors, shoosh the deer away each time they threaten my landscape...   I don't know what's best for the deer over-population situation and don't plan on developing my own personal opinion that I'll defend against all others.  I expect that I do have a responsibility, as a citizen of my Township, to notify the authorities, learn about the available solutions, and find out what deer control plans are underway.  I plan on meeting with them today.

Our neighborhood deer on a better day

I'm glad I took the time to "Think" about the deer problem today.  The course of action that I've decided upon seems reasonable and right according to the principles that I live by - the type that seems to define us.  The only church in town will live by principles revealed within the Word of God - they were established by the One who created the earth, the cold, the deer, and me too.  I plan on living my life out according to those principles alongside my neighbors within the only church in town.

Just for today...

". . .  when my opinion about another person's business has not been requested, I take the time to "Think" before getting involved."  Courage to Change (p. 16)

November 19th - If I practice not sharing opinions - will I replace them with a listening ear?

The story...

My career may have chose me - I'd practiced the habits, and developed the personality, to explain my perspective and win agreement.  My work practices, tools, and change management success carried over into other areas of my life too.  I became more: illustrative; flamboyant in my story telling; better at painting mental images to be commonly understood; succinct in posing the right question(s); and consistent in behaving according to my expected behavior.  Sometimes, the desired perspectives were those of the organization that I was part of and not necessarily my own.

The burden of working out my life, wearing different hats, took its toll.  The incongruity between my inner-man and the roles that I accepted was bothersome - dissatisfaction with parts of life.  My life was not characterized as peaceful - more like a never ending quest to model good behavior - be the best that I could be - measure up. So, I planned the long and arduous process of earning my PhD - "then life would be great."  It was a good change worked out for over 10 years and experienced for about 10 years.  I learned and grew much through my studies, research, dialog, enlarged mental models, building onto and protecting my share of the body of knowledge, teaching, and mentoring.  Yet, my inner-man needed something more.

A period of brokenness helped me wake up and see my strife and struggles more clearly - I needed help.  I accepted an offer for help and joined others who were also more-honestly becoming better people.  The lessons learned and applied were wonderful - I truly love all those people that I grew with.  My life became more congruent, peaceful, restful, thankful and engaging.

The only church in town will be a place where you will hear about a better way to be.  You will, meet those who are growing in a similar way and stage of life.  Over time, a few of those people may even become best friends who you can openly and honestly grow with.  Friends like that aren't required to live good a good life yet I wouldn't give 'em up without a fight.  True, they must be held loosely or it likely isn't true friendship.  Honestly seeking to understand, before being understood, is a good first step toward developing those good friendships.

Just for today...

Do you want to fix them for your own personal comfort or honestly for them?

If you wouldn't want somebody to say "it" to you then don't say "it" to anyone else.

October 26th - Did I criticize the pastor to deflect self-criticism?

The story...

On the way home from church, the conversation often focused on the pastor and the sermon they just delivered.  Rather than focusing on what may have been true about me, my faith, my heart, and my life; I often, not to subtly, criticized the pastor's message, the pastor, or other people within the church.  Sure, my criticism might have been tactfully disguised as an opinion; but, the intent was likely to feel better about myself by criticizing others. 

Maybe these sermons upset my vision of who I was, what I was doing, and where I was going.  Maybe I was imaging a reality that was skewed and in need of change?  Now, I believe that I was deflecting, denying, and delaying.  Then, I was protecting myself and the status quo.  A condition that included unresolved rejection, shame, guilt, hurt...

The only church in town will preach the Word of God in reality.  People will not be pleased when their selfish attempts to control their life don't look so good in the Light of God's revealed Word.  There's going to be turmoil both before and after the transformational work of the gospel believed.  Yet, this is the place where that rejection, shame, guilt, and hurt can be left at the foot of the cross - there's forgiveness and redemption there.  The joy of a good heart walking honestly and humbly with the Lord their God.

Just for today...

"For a few minutes I felt better about myself - but not for long and only at other people's expense. Gossip never enriched anyone's character. It was only an excuse to avoid focusing on myself . . . When I feel good about myself, it's much easier not to take insults personally."  Courage to Change (p. 300)

"Some folks worry and putter, 

Push and shove,

Hunting little molehills,

To make big mountains of."

One Day at a Time (p. 300) 

October 17th - Giving an opinion, when not asked for, is criticism

The story...

Today is another experimental day - I will to identify when, or if, I'm offering unrequested opinions.  I think that I've achieved a significant reduction in the amount of opinions that I actually have, with regard to what others should be or do, yet I my be overstating the change.  I drew an "O" on my left thumb to remind me of the experiment:  Am I giving unwanted opinions? 

I tried, I forgot, I told another person, I tried again, I forgot, I told another person, and I tried again.  The concentrated effort to remain focused on not offering unrequested opinions wasn't doable for me.  Yet, the good news is that my opinions are fewer, and fewer, and further in-between.  This less opinionated life seems to be part of a good life and has increased my engagement and enjoyment within community.

The only church in town will offer space for people to grow together, walking side-by-side, towards that "Celestial City" - walking humbly with God in the light of His Word.  The sanctification process is good, real, and seems to be best worked out with and through others.

Just for today...

Are you tuned in to, alert to, or searching for trouble?  Why?

Might you best change your perceptions of what actually occurred in the past?

Giving unrequested opinion is criticism.