March 25th - Friend Watch

The story...

I have a friend who closely observes my behavior.  They challenge me to set mental and physical health goals and track my progress to goal too.  They offer me encouraging reminders to keep me moving towards where I want to go.  Occasionally, they alert me to correlations between my good behaviors and other good life outcomes like better sleep and greater aerobic capacity.  They've even warned me of potentially life threatening risks such as a fall or heart rhythm abnormality.  And, they do all of this with words that express caring and kindness.  You likely guessed, from the picture, that I'm talking about my Apple-Watch friend.  We've been good friends for years - meet my good friend:

I was awarded for swimming longer and faster

Human friends have flaws, aren't always focused on me, are less predictable, and are free to choose.  I'm glad my friends are free; yet, I'm not about to give up my Apple Watch.  Like the Apple watch, I hope that the people in the only church in town would be honest with me, point out my lifestyle risks, remind me of my commitments, and speak to me kindly, gently, patiently, and truthfully.  That sounds like a kind of best friend, who you might grow with and walk alongside towards your common life goal(s).

Just for today...

"I have a primary responsibility for myself: to make myself into the best person I can possibly be.  Then, and only then, will I have something worthwhile to share."  Courage to Change (p. 85)

"A grim and furious silence can be more crushing and wounding than harsh words.  Such a silence is motivated by the desire to punish." One Day at a Time (p. 85)

"Far away; Hoped for - Encouraging look; Joy returns."   Am I a Poet?

March 23rd - Walking and Rolling

The story...

I had a friend who was bound to a wheelchair with partial use of his arms.  His wife was a virtuous and industrious person who cared for and loved him along the way.  We worked together as members of our church leadership board for a few years.  What would it be like to be "imprisoned" in a body that wouldn't go or do what you wanted?  I'm so thankful that he shared his heart, and the reality of his condition, over those years.  I learned much by observing his behavior, asking him "what's it like" questions, listening, and sensing his warm comfortable spirit.  He truly learned to love and accept love well.  He trusted what God's Word said about him rather than his limited capabilities.

He said, multiple times, that the car accident was a blessing.  He had a loving relationship with his God through his Savior.  I believed him and am thankful for his witness.  He seemed to be truly free within the confines of his wheelchair.

Life stories like this one will be an important part of the only church in town.  While our faith isn't built on the testimony of other people, it's a wonderful thing to witness the Spirit of God work His way out through a friend whom you're walking and rolling alongside.

Just for today...

"My anger can be an attempt to change someone or something because I don't want to change . . . I gain self-worth when I change the things I can and accept responsibility for my reactions rather than blaming or shaming another."  Hope for Today (p. 83)

"Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional."  Courage to Change (p. 83)

"Body restricted; Wavering pain - Heart's pounding; Love's there."   Am I a Poet?

March 8th - A friend to all is a friend to none

 The story...

When in my 20s, I had a reoccurring fantasy of owning a bar that sold food.  I'd stop by a couple of times per day to see the familiar, laugh with friends, and meet new people too.  Saturday mornings would find me doing the "books" at my favorite seat - "my" booth.  The morning sun would be shinning through the windows and I'd feel comfort and self-fulfillment.

A few times a year, me and my friend, drank beer and dined at a place called "Tip a Few" in Grand Haven, MI.  It's similar but different from my imagined place of goodness and comfort. I liked to order a pitcher of "Pabst Blue Ribbon" beer - the beer I often shared with friends during my college years.  Inevitably, I'd resurrect the dream of owning my bar with great enthusiasm.  The one who knows me well would say "here you go again" and they'd sit back with "that smile I hold dear" as I retold my vision of how it would be and how great it would feel.  Five minutes after we left the front door I'd again say: "what was I thinking?"  Then, the one who knows me well would squeeze my hand and we'd walk on together - laughing.   

Since September 2020, no alcohol has entered my body.  Personally, I had practical and situational reasons for stopping - it seemed clearly good for me.  I've started other good habits that're now part of who I am.  The change hasn't affected where I go much; yet, once I returned to "Tip a Few."  The people respectfully served me water and I enjoyed the experience with muchness.  That old-fond dream seems to be vanquished and gone forever - that's good.  It's part of a better alignment between my body, mind, and soul.

It's water

Would the only church in town attempt to simulate this common "good" experience with coffee bars and breakfast nooks?  I've witnessed a few good "tries" yet they seemed to be a bit pretentious and fall short - they weren't the thing.  I expect that people, who'd go to the only church in town, would be looking for the real thing - to better know the Word of "That Than Which there is No Greater," to know more of what is really going on, and to be more like the person that He is and wants them to be - their aim. 

 

Just for today...

"A friend to all is a friend to none."   The Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle (340 BCE)

"The clinking sound; The happy hum - Shoulder to shoulder; I loved that bar."
"It wasn't the place; Alcohol unneeded - Loved the loving; Interlude of peace."   Am I a poet?

February 27th - Rejection

The story...

A few years ago, I performed a personal inventory, a searching moral inventory of me, and recorded the findings in a blue book.  The process seemed healthy for those parts that're deep down inside - the stuff that's the essence of who we are. 

I periodically open my blue book to both reflect on what I've learned and to make additions too. The big "aha" moment, from my personal inventory, was that I fear rejection and that fear worked its way out in ways that I didn't like.  I was surprised the first time that I considered the idea "I feared rejection" - was it true?  Yes, I answered the inventory questions honestly and it did seem that fear might be motivating me to behave in ways that I didn't want to.  So, I ordered a related book, Bouncing Back from Rejection, by Leslie Becker.  The book both confirmed my latent truth and taught me that I could reduce my sensitivity to rejection by being more aware of it's presence.

It feels good to be more honest and less guarded.  Strangely, it seems that merely sharing this experience with others helps and encourages me.  Yes, in the only church in town, we might best walk through life side by side rather than tending and trending towards isolation.

Just for today...

"We can help one another find out the meaning of life . . . But in the last analysis, each is responsible for 'finding himself.'"   No Man Is an Island - Thomas Merton

Blueprint for Progress   ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0910034425

"I tend to be thus; I trend to be that - Look towards God; He's got it all."  Am I a Poet?

February 21st - Friendship

The story...

I didn't choose to be a Jim Carrey fan - maybe I just am one by nature.  "When Nature Calls" is Jim's movie that I'm reminded of most often.   The scene where he learns to communicate with the Chief and his son makes me laugh every time I think of it.  I don't expect that they'd likely end up as close friends; yet, the movie reminds me of the awkward moments that may be the beginnings of friendship.  I assume that Jim Carrey fans can be friends with non-Jim Carrey fans; yet, it's more likely that close friends share much in common.

For me, close friendships have been illusive and I greatly value those that I have.  C.S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, wrote a great summary of what friendship is and he valued the few close friends he had.  Pursuing a relationship for our own sake is bound to fail.  Relationship success seems more likely when we will what's good for the other person, share much in common, and walk side-by-side together in an honest sort of way.

J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis

Chapter one of Thomas Merton's book "No man is an Island" offers further understanding of the qualities of a good-friend relationships and our role within them.  Since these relationships are important, yet unnecessary, it seems that we should value those we have and be alert to close friendship opportunities.

Within the only church in town, I hope that every person would have at least one close friend.  Jesus, in his humanity, is documented as having at least three close friends - one being His closest.  I've often heard that people are most happy and engaged in the workplace when they have a best friend.  Might the same be true within the only church in town?

Just for today...

"May God preserve me from the love of a friend who will never dare to rebuke me.  May He preserve me from the friend who seeks to do nothing but change and correct me."  No Man is an Island - Merton (p. 10)

"I understand him; He gets me - We climb together; Eyes locked on the prize."  Am I a Poet?

February 2nd - Hoping for Love

The story ...

I walked up to the door of my seventh-grade Sunday-school room.  The girl that I secretly loved was with a friend.  The friend asked me to show them my fingernails.  I paused before extending my open hand and fingers with my palm facing the linoleum floor.  They both broke out laughing - "you're like a girl!  Guys show their nails as a fist with palm up."  I was secretly crushed, likely tried to pretend I wasn't affected, yet my emotions must have betrayed my internal reality.  My secret search for love was publicly dashed.  I added a few plates to my personal armor to guard against that from happening again.  Oh... the pain of rejection - my wounded heart!

The church where the scene played out

How might the one church in town have helped?  My Sunday school teacher might have noticed a change in behavior.  Someone might have realized that I had no good friends at church.  As some aptly describe, I felt like I was alone on an island yet surrounded by people.  My parents forced me to go to some of the youth meetings - I didn't engage.  I became cynical and critical about the group that rejected me.  

In High School, I found a job that allowed me to miss every other Sunday service.  I tried to bring order and meaning into my life without God's help.  Was a right relationship with God and friends possible?

Thoughts for the day ...

"So I continued to hide and did not accept who I really was."  Hope for Today (p. 33)

"Today, being humble means climbing down from the ladder of judgement of myself and others, and taking my rightful place in a worldwide circle of love and support . . . My thoughts are my teachers.  Are they teaching me to love and appreciate others, or are they teaching me to practice isolation?"  Courage to Change (p. 33)

"Looked for love; in a loving sort of place -  hurt, guilt and shame; led me astray."  Am I a Poet?

January 14th - The palette of my psyche focused on the object of my faith...

The story...

The idea for this blog, written for 365 consecutive days, occurred in January 2023. It "popped" into my psyche as I was driving to church with the woman whom I love.  It also occurred to me that I could do this . . . yes, me.  Writing a chunk of my life story, making sense of it, applying good life principles and practices, and then discussing how they might work their way out within a hypothetical "only church in town." "I've benefited greatly from daily readers. This is a really good idea.  I think I'll recommend this for..."  

Yes, an idea had fully developed into a worthy life-giving and life-altering whole thing within the palette of my psyche.  It appeared to be helpful for both me and those within my circle of concern.  I had the resources and the capability to carry it out - it was clearly doable.  Yet, 365 consecutive days was too much to hope for - surely I'd run out of story and find myself staring at a blank screen.  I'm so thankful that I shared my idea with the close friend, who I originally thought might be capable of working out this undertaking, and he encouraged me to get started.  Then, I shared the idea with a group of supporting guys and they also encouraged me to work this worthy endeavor into reality.  So, I took the first step and began my journey.  I'm so... thankful that my friends encouraged me to make the decision to move forward - step by step.

Artist's Palette (U.S. National Park Service)

What if I fail?   I will to replace my "what ifs" with  "even ifs."   It does take faith to live out that good life that we long for yet my hope is anchored within the promises of That Than Which There is No Greater.

The only church in town will share how God provided a way for His creatures to become right with Himself - our most holy, righteous and loving Father.  Christ, and His great atoning sacrificial work, will be the object of their faith  And, the grace that each receives will be worked out together within each of their pilgrimages toward that celestial city.  

Just for today...

"By letting go of this battle we were sure to lose, we became free." Courage to Change (p. 14)

"If I was hurtful, and I make excuses to myself for what I did, I am building a second wall between me and the person I injured. Let me tear the first wall down by being honest and honestly acknowledging my fault."  One Day at a Time (p. 14)

January 5th - Close Friendships are Worthy - "muchness"

The story...

I've planned to meet a friend today in a coffee shop that bakes wonderfully large and tasty cookies.  The refillable-ceramic coffee mugs, throngs of people huddled closely together in conversation, and the big cookie, all feel like "muchness" to me.  "Muchness" is a British romantic word meaning greatness in quantity and degree - it's a really good word to me.

My friend will update me on the reality of his life and I'll have the opportunity to do the same.  I don't need to plan what I'm going to say - our relationship is big enough that we've many ways to build on it.  It sure helps to have a listening ear that seeks to understand both my message and me better - our past interactions have led me to believe that he truly has my best interest at heart.  When I tell a story that doesn't seemed to be aligned with who he knows me to be - he'll challenge me in a kind sort of way.  This close relationship thing is real good.  I'm not so naive to think that he's fully engaged in all my stories yet I know he wants to be.  We grow together as we share our stories - that's real good, and I value him and our relationship, greatly.

Clare Ansberry makes reasonable claims about the amount of time it takes to develop a close friendship within her 1/02/24, Wall Street Journal, article: "It Takes at Least 200 Hours to Make a Close Friendship, and More to Maintain It."  My personal experience suggests that her claims have face validity. 

The only church in town will offer opportunities to discover people who are similar enough to you that you might take the risk, and invest the 200+ hours, to develop a close friendship.  Expect the process to take years rather than weeks.  These relationship endeavors are worthy.  C.S. Lewis said in his book "The Four Loves:"  "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”   For me, close friends are a key part of the good life - the muchness.

Just for today...

"Am I trying to interfere with the natural consequences of a loved one's choices?  Am I trying to do for someone what they could do for themselves?"  Courage to Change (p. 5)

"Unless I am at peace with the child of God I am, I cannot love and help my neighbor. Regrets are vain. They can interfere with the good I could do today, the making of the better person."  One Day at a Time (p. 5)

December 23rd - Purposely act or react?

The story...

Habits, routines, honest personal reflection, relationship building, kindness, prayer, quiet meditation, showing respect, and a propensity for doing versus waiting have all worked well for me. This incomplete list helped me grow up.  We'd probably agree that we've erected mental models to make sense of our lives and environments.  We may not agree on just how much our models are incomplete, flawed, biased, or bent to justify what we do or believe; yet, upon reflection we'd likely agree that they're flawed attempts to reflect what we want to be true.  Then, maybe we'd continue to walk toward our life's aim in a more honest, humble, thoughtful, and peaceful way than most do?

How do I react to those whose ways, manners, physical characteristics, age, actions, beliefs, experiences, education, or aims are significantly different from mine?  In the future, I hope to seek to understand them before I attempt to "help" them understand me - Steven Covey principle.  This one focus seems to enable a whole lotta of other good-life stuff.

The only church in town will be a great place to meet up with co-sojourners for your life journey.  You can find friends with a common aim, who're on a similar path, that you can relate to, and are in a similar stage along the path.  It's important to work out your reality with others too - there're many opportunities to love, and be loved by, most of the everybody.  Relationships and love seem to be the good stuff in life.  Good stuff is available within the only church in town - God's presence within the Body of Christ  - yes, it's mysterious and awesome too.

Just for today...

"I would not want this person as a friend, but I do need to work with him as a professional. I don't like him... However, . . . I treat him with the same courtesy and respect I would like him to give me, regardless of whether or not he gives it.  I let it begin with me and act rather than react."  Hope for Today (p. 358)

December 21st - Being kind and honest with you

The story...

Three nights ago, I dreamed that I purchased a new really-small cell phone.  Two nights ago, I dreamed that I was attempting to curl a 25lb dumbbell while sitting in a lazy-boy chair - I wasn't able to lift it beyond 90 degrees.  I was surprised to see a large bundle of blood veins protruding from my arm and snagged onto something on the floor.  Last night, I experienced multiple dreams of adventure that included my college-aged siblings and a new job in an old building where I'd discovered a new tea that I'd mixed up in a blue-Rubbermaid container. 

In my waking hours, I'm concerned about changes in the lumbar region of my lower spine - the limitations are affecting my life and the medical system's ability to restore me to my previous physical capability is questionable.  Whatever course my spinal changes lead me, I hope that I remain peacefully grounded in the reality of my situation and that I don't need to look to my subconscious mind to discover what's going on.  Yes, I will to be honest and humble with my condition as I walk the next part of my life journey.  I've heard we are humblest when we live most closely to the truth - in the "Light."

Is being honest and accepting, while staying grounded within current reality, part of being kind to me?  Is a position of strength and peace found where I can see, understand, accept, and continue my journey down the right and good path towards the Celestial City while trusting God?  Yes, that was a reference to John Bunyan's allegory - Pilgrim's Progress.

Some really good books... I've more time and life-space to read.

The only church in town will tend to be an honest, kind, and loving sort of place.  Congregant's most important needs will be met as relationships are worked out - with God and others too.  The church will be big enough that people will have opportunities to walk their life path with friends who they can relate to, and grow with, in an honest and kind sort of way.

 

Just for today...

"Somewhere in my past I got the message that to think of myself first was wrong, that it was my duty to care for everyone else. As a consequence, I was never ready to take care of myself and so became a burden to those around me . . . In fact, improving myself is the only real action available to me . . . Why should others bother to follow my example if I can't take care of my own affairs? . . . To give advice to others is to intrude; to give advice to myself is to grow."   Courage to Change (p. 356)

November 28th - What's it like to be heard?

The story...

It's a special thing to be in a relationship where both: have similar aims; are free to be honest; communicate openly and respectfully; and are understood by a listener who's actually capable of understanding - they actually care.  If the sharing is balanced, you'll likely grow together and look forward to every meeting.  I'm so thankful for close fiends.

I hope you enjoy these three friendship quotes from C.S. Lewis's book "The Four Loves."  I've listened, and enjoyed an audio version of this book at least a half-dozen times - enjoy!

• “Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”
  
  
• “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
  
  
• “I have no duty to be anyone's Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

The only church in town will be a group that contains many friends that make up a better whole.  They will share a common aim, hope, and experience - together.  Each friendship, a good story in the epic saga of life.

Just for today...

"I lugged my childhood grudges into adulthood . . . All I really needed was to be heard. Then I could let go of some ugly feelings."  Hope for Today (p. 333)

"I will learn . . . to recognize my errors, to see the roadblocks of self-will and self-righteousness I have been putting in my way. Then I will no longer insist that a thing is impossible because I have been unable to accomplish it."  One Day at a Time (p. 333)

"Many of the things I had once thought of as virtues - taking care of everyone around me, worrying about other people's lives, sacrificing my own happiness and prosperity - turned out to be the causes of my misery!"  Courage to Change (p. 333)

November 26th - Relationships - Good "Vibes" - Like tennis?

The story...

I greatly value my close relationships - maybe that's why this post took so many words to explain.  Relationships require an investment of my whole person for focused periods of time.  Here's the glue that seems to make'em stick for me:

• Who: similar personalities and journeys - ages from 35 yrs younger to 5 yrs. older
• What: equal sharing, & listening, of reality & ideas for what is and might be
• Where: coffee shop, restaurant, church, or via e-mail/text
• When: person-to-person biweekly - convenient time of day - one to two+ hours
• Why:  honestly sharing life-walks - giving & receiving - growing together
• How: sharing equally without unrequested opinion - like a good game of tennis

How's a strong relationship like a good game of tennis?  You share equally by taking turns serving and returning the ball.  You treat each other with respect or you won't continue to play.  Must plan to meet periodically at a mutually agreeable time/place.  You've similar goals for the tennis experience.  You'll accommodate your partner's physical limitations.  The joy of returning their shot on the sweet-spot of your racquet, at a similar level of energy, is invigorating - it's like you're fully connected yet remaining fully independent.  Conversation with a good friend is a lot like that.  Please don't even think about turning the joy of relationship into a win-lose game like tennis might be.  I heard Maryland's football coach say his team's "care factor" was excellent and that was why they were performing well - same with relationships.

The sweet-spot of the racquet is where the vibrations of the racquet cancel out and the forces are more fully transferred into the ball return.  Those vibrations are irritating, fatiguing and even harmful to our bodies.  Yes, a good conversation and a good tennis volley are similar.  We all know how fatiguing the unwanted "vibes" between people can be - they aren't okay within a close relationship - they continually wear down, erode, and destroy relationships.

The only church in town will be one group with a kind of personality of their own.  There'll be sub-groups that'll have their own personalities too.   Within these "purposed" groups you'll find opportunities to develop friendships with a person(s) similar to you.  These relationships will be like walking side-by-side through life focused on reality - the most important spiritual reality that truly lasts.  When we stray from the path, a friend can help us  "wake up" and return to the life-giving path.

We're blinded to spiritual reality when we focus on ourselves and ignore who we actually are as creatures - creatures created by a living and active God.  He's interested and powerfully working through our todays, tomorrows, and our eternal future too - He says so.  Experiencing a relationship with Him in Christ is like no other - "I'm with Him."

Just for today...

"... we don't tell anybody what to do. People only accept and use advice they're ready for . . . When I am asked for advice, I know only what I would do if I were faced with the same problem, and not what would be right for another."  One Day at a Time (p. 331)

"I learned to trust no one, to stay silent at all costs, to stuff my feelings, never to stand up for myself, to take on more responsibility than I could handle, to love conditionally, and to tell white lies to cover up my home life. No wonder as an adult I perceived that close interpersonal relationships were like constantly moving targets.  Usually I was the one who was moving because I lacked the skills to develop and maintain healthy adult relationships."  Hope for Today (p. 331)

November 19th - Am I a good actor or character in this game of life?

The story...

My career may've chose me - I practiced the habits, and developed the personality, to explain my perspective and win agreement.  My work practices, tools, and change management success carried over into other areas of my life too.  I became more: illustrative; flamboyant in my story telling; better at painting commonly-understood mental images; succinct in posing the right question(s); and consistent in behaving according to my expected behavior.  Sometimes, the desired perspectives were those of the organization that I was part of and not necessarily my own.

The burden of working out my life, wearing different hats, took its toll.  The incongruity between my inner-man and the roles that I accepted was bothersome - dissatisfaction with parts of life.  My life was not characterized as peaceful - more like a never ending quest to model good behavior - be the best that I could be - measure up.  So, I planned the long and arduous process of earning my PhD - "then life would be great."  It was a good life change completed over 10 years and experienced over another 10 years.  I learned and grew much through my studies, research, dialog, enlarged mental models, building onto and protecting my share of the body of knowledge, teaching, and mentoring.  Yet, my inner-man needed something more.

A period of brokenness helped me wake up and see my strife and struggles more clearly - I needed help.  I accepted an offer for help and joined others who were also more-honestly becoming better people.  The lessons learned and applied were wonderful - I truly love(d) all those people that I grew with.  My life became more congruent, peaceful, restful, thankful, engaging, and honest too.

The only church in town will be a place where you'll hear about a better way to be.  You'll, meet those who are growing in a similar way and stage of life.  Over time, a few of those people may even become truly good friends who you can openly and honestly grow with.  Friends like that aren't required to live a good life yet I wouldn't give 'em up without a fight.  True, they must be held loosely or it likely isn't true friendship.  Honestly seeking to understand, before being understood, is a good first step toward developing those good friendships.

Just for today...

Do you want to fix them for your own personal comfort or honestly for them?

If you wouldn't want somebody to say "it" to you then don't say "it" to anyone else.

November 18th - "My life was mostly good - I'm thankful for that."

The story...

A close friend of mine met my mother in her independent-living home in November 2023.  I introduced him to her and they settled down to a one-hour conversation about her life past and present - him in a chair and her laying comfortably in bed.  It was a great joy listening to my mother describe her life - mostly good but there was bad stuff too.  She shared her hope that her kids, grand kids, and great-grand kids would go to church.  Her greatest pain was the loss of her husband in 2011 - she described how she missed him every day.  They lived a good life and that made her happy.  The surprises and joys, in her current life, were centered around the different people that cared for her and met her needs.  "I never was around people like that, I really like them and some of them feel like friends."  That was her unexpected joy - she thought that relationships like those might be why she lived so long.

The only church in town will ideally be kinda like that independent-living home.  There will be some paid staff doing their jobs yet most of the caring and loving will be shared between each other.  People living out their lives and faith, aligned with God's Word, together.  The love my mother felt at the independent-living center surprised me every time I visited.  

What if we spent more time with the folks at church?  We might be surprised at the love we witness, receive and even offer to others.  Many of us are clunky and different so it might appear in unexpected and surprising ways.  Love experienced is worth it.

Just for today...

"If I can see nothing but my troubles, I am seeing with limited vision. Dwelling on these troubles allows them to control me. Of course I need to do whatever foot-work is required, but I also need to learn to let go."  Courage to Change (p. 323)

"When I'm uncommunicative or dishonest in my interactions, I set myself apart and feel rejected. Conversely, open, truthful communication nurtures feelings of trust and encourages me to participate fully in life. However, as I begin to change my old habits, fear of rejection sometimes tempts me to respond in old ways."  Hope for Today (p. 323)

November 14th - My survival skills

The story...

Most of us developed survival skills to make it through K-12 - our elementary, junior, and high school years. High school was when I was expected to learn and experience what I needed to be a full-functioning member of society.  The graduation speech said that we had limitless potential within the United States of America.  What did I do over those 13 years?

• Learned to obey the teacher, complete assignments, and value good grades.
• Progressed through boy scouts to the rank of "Life Scout."
• Fulfilled the job requirements of a paper delivery boy for 4 yrs. - wasn't motivated to sell new subscriptions but faithfully delivered the papers and collected the money.
• Built a large wooden tool box, smashed my thumb with a hammer, sewed my own reversible vest, and cooked potato soup.in junior-high shop class.  They required the boys to take home-economics for two months during 8th grade.
• Completed drivers education and was awarded my drivers license.
• Fulfilled the requirements of a drug store general worker and delivery boy for 2 yrs.  Crashed their cars several times.
• Developed friends - mostly from band and work experiences.
• Completed all the math classes offered and survived the English classes.
• Fell in love multiple times yet didn't experience the boy-girl friend closeness that I hoped for.
  
  

My High School

Who was I at that graduation ceremony?

• Accepted Christ as my Savior at eight.
• Learned a work ethic and financial skills with the money I earned.
• Distanced myself from the church - worked every other Sunday.
• Became a story-teller to engage in group conversation.
• Looked for love where I thought it might be found - love was elusive.
• Interacted socially yet never really felt like I fit in.
• Accepted at a state college - to be an engineer.  There I expected to start over - to be somebody.
• Learned survival skills - boundaries, armor, and habits.

The only church in town is a place where you can learn the reality of being truly okay.  Okay with God, you, and your neighbors too.  I was so thankful, in 1980, when Steve and Marlene said to me:  "We would like you to go to church with us - please come."

Just for today...

"I was powerless over my childhood. The survival skills that I developed made my adult life unmanageable."  Hope for Today (p. 319)

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

October 30th - Helping others helps me to be and do

The story...

Yesterday, I saw my neighbor walking down the bike path by the side of the road.  I remembered the picture of him with the 4' sturgeon that he caught earlier in the week.  I was on my motorcycle so it would've been easy to turn around and pull into a driveway and hear his story - the sharing would likely have been good for him and built up our relationship too.  Even though I paused a bit longer than I would've hoped, my motorcycle came back and we strengthened our relationship.

Wikipedia

Why was this interchange important?  Maybe it demonstrated that I was truly interested in him, was pleased with his unexpected joy, was interested in the details of the "fight," asked how he felt as he wondered what it might be, and demonstrated keen interest during the whole conversation.  It was all about him.  It felt good to know that it was natural and true behavior on both of our parts - I wasn't "trying" to demonstrate interest and happiness with him - I actually was happy for and interested in his life.  That seems like good living.

I expect that my turning around to love my neighbor as myself was "doing" what I want to "be."  As I reflect on the reality of this simple situation - I'm so thankful for the changes in my life that've reduced my focus on me and turned my eyes and heart more towards others.

There'll be happiness and joy within the community of the only church in town.  They'll be a sort of organism that values each of their unique parts - they'll know it takes all of the parts of a body for it to function as He designed.  Praise God for the Body of Christ worked out in the Light.

Just for today...

"Many a solution to a difficulty of my own has come to me while I was helping someone else."  One Day at a Time (p. 304)

October 22nd - Do you want them to "act" as the person you want them to be?

The story...

During my mid-life years, I went fishing to recreate.  Inevitably, I'd call my dad to tell him what happened.  I knew that he was interested in fishing, and he seemed to appreciate learning about my episodes too.  There was a sort of give-and-take in those conversations - we were both able  to "check in" with each other.

I lost most of my interest in fishing after my dad died.  Strangely, I seem to have gone fishing to reexperience good feelings from early years.  Maybe I wanted my dad to know that I was okay and that I appreciated him in a way that I could communicate.  

My dad was a good man.  Yet, he wasn't able to meet some of my significant needs.  I accepted this truth and loved him, thankfully, for who he was.

I do fish now for different reasons.  I no longer seek my dad's approval and I don't need to be fishing with another person to be fulfilled - I'm "okayer," thankful and more content.

The only church in town will be a place where you can meet a close friend, friends, community, and God within view of that bright Light that's God's revealed Word.  Why not honestly live out life within community as opposed to acting out on your own?  You're an important part of this epic story of life - why not live out your part?

Just for today...

"Expecting him to be a nurturing person was unrealistic . . . I adopted some of his character defects as my own . . . I needed to give myself what was not in his power to give - love, acceptance, wisdom, a safe childhood, and a healthy initiation into manhood."  Hope for Today (p. 296)

October 16th - Am I worthy of being treated with love and tenderness?

The story...

A friend of mind mocked what I was doing one day - they alluded to my way of living as kind of trivial or unimportant.  I guess they may have been: comparing their life to mine, wanting something more from me, or maybe it was just a habit of putting me in my place so that they might feel "okayer."  I needed friendship-love and I got chisels and sandpaper - biting, rough, dusty, and uncomfortable.

What do I do about it?  Do I let them know how I felt when they behaved that way?  Do I give them the same type of treatment in kind?  Do I set up new boundaries to prevent future corrosion and hurt?  Or, do I treat me with the love, respect and tenderness that I don't receive from other people?   Actually, be okay in the light of day with who I truly am?

I hope that everybody attending the only church in town will feel okay and loved within the Body of Christ.  Why?  Because we're okay when we trust what the Son of God did on our behalf rather than our own self-willed attempts at being good and accepted by others.  Yes, our creator has shined the Light of truth into our world when He walked this earth about 2,000 years ago - It didn't end there, He's risen from the dead and seated at the right-hand of God making intercession for those who trust in Him and His GREAT work.  He says that belief/trust/faith in the atoning work of the Lamb of God are positioned with Him - man, that's good news.

Just for today...

"When I treat myself with love and tenderness, I am better able to deal with the challenges that life presents. I have a chance to feel good, even surrounded by crisis."  Courage to Change (p. 290)

October 5th - Do Eeyores have to be Eeyores?

The story...

We've seen people isolate themselves after extended periods of rejection - not receiving the love they needed - they seem to've given up.  They may appear as an Eeyore or not appear at all.

Maybe they looked for love in all the wrong places.  Or, maybe they expected that all their love needs should've been met by their parents or that illusive life-long partner.

Looking for love in all the wrong places.

I hope that the only church in town will be the community where they engage in life - experiencing the giving and receiving of love.  What will be that source of strength and love?   They'll have the book that offers really "good news."  They might just learn about, and hopefully experience, "The" source within the only church in town.  "Ain't that good news . . . man ain't that news."

Just for today...

"I did choose to give my younger brother things I wanted myself in order to win his love. I did decide to shut off my feelings from my family . . . I had to look at why I chose to become involved with unavailable people . . . My choices reflect my opinion of a relationship with myself."  Hope for Today (p. 278)

"I have a choice about where to focus my my attention. I'm challenged to find positive qualities in myself, my circumstances, and other human beings . . . It may be difficult to break a long-established pattern of depression, doom-sayings, and complaining, but it's worth the effort."  Courage to Change (p. 278)

September 26th - There's me, us, and you - me is me, we are we, and you are you.

The story...

We were sitting on the porch talking about two mutual friends.  One of that pair had delivered clear feedback to the other, and even set up a new personal boundary, in order to protect their friendship. My friend commented that friends do give specific personal feedback when they have to: "that's what friends do."  The next day I delivered specific personal feedback to that same friend - they reacted negatively and defensively - it was difficult to deliver the one-time feedback in a way that was received let alone acknowledged.  The exchange was difficult, uncomfortable; yet, I think it worked out for the best.

Maybe good friends tell their friend their perceived truth once  - not nagging or trying to persuade.  Should friends focus on the relationship and not on reforming or reframing each others minds or souls?  I think my friends have the space to share their mind and soul, as they will to, yet we respect each other's "space."  I'm okay with my friends just as they are - that's a strong foundation to build on and to grow too.  We grow together.

The only church in town would be a place where people might find truer friends who they can grow together with.  Everyone would have at least one "good" friend to walk side by side with along their journey towards that celestial city.

Just for today...

"Smugness is the very worst sin of all, I believe. It is difficult for a shaft of light to pierce the armor of self-righteousness. Many of the things I thought I did unselfishly turned out to be pure rationalizations to get my own way about something."  One Day at a Time (p. 270)

"At our wedding ceremony, the minister said, '... and the two shall become one,' and we did, 'We' became 'him.'"  Hope for Today (p. 270)