September 11th - Are relationships worth the effort?

The story...

I obsessively thought about a family situation yesterday - it surprised me because I thought that I had victory over what some might call "stinking thinking."  I felt left out, marginalized, under-valued, avoided, with my concerns and interests ignored.  I began to imagine scenarios that were possible and built them into an imagined reality that made sense - I began to prepare and protect myself according to this new imagined reality.  It turns out, my obsessive thinking was unwarranted.  Two phone calls finally clarified the family behaviors according to a "truer" reality - I now better understood their perceptions and behaviors even though they seem odd and a tad unreasonable to me.

Would it help to work on improving my relationships with other family members?  Yes, but it takes time and requires me to offer them the dignity and respect for being just as they are.  Is it possible to develop a relationship with them without the need to fix, manage, control, change or argue opinions with them?  Yes, that's how I plan to move forward.  

The only church in town will have people who perceive the same situation or scenario in different ways.  Better relationships will improve the situations yet they'll not prevent turmoil.  Might we let them be while still working on building or mutual relationships?  Might they grow in response to good supporting relationships?   Is relationship building more fulfilling then vain attempts to build up, promote, and protect ourselves?

Just for today...

"The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word meaning to tear flesh. 'Wouldn't I feel pretty cheap if I could hear myself being played back? Wouldn't it give me some idea of my part in the family troubles?'"  One Day at a Time (p. 255)

"...when the feeling comes up, I recognize it, share about it, accept that I felt it, and then set it aside. I no longer assume that it has validity . . . Today I will take one of my assumptions about myself and hold it up to the light. I may find that it stems from habit rather than reality." Courage to Change (p. 255)

July 28th - Living in the present - it takes time to live there.

The story...

"What are you thinking about right now?"  I remember asking that question to multiple people who answered with their response: "nothing."  Since I seemed to be constantly thinking about things, I interpreted their feedback as not being very self-aware, hiding their thoughts, self-medicated, or merely being a non-contemplative personality.  To my knowledge, it never crossed my mind that they might be living in, and experiencing, the "present" as opposed to living in the "past" or "future."

How did I wake up to the value of living in the present?  A significant personal issue led me along a path of brokenness and obsession over probable causes for the turmoil and those who contributed to the problem.  I was obsessing over the situation and it was affecting me negatively - physically, mentally, spiritually, and relationally.  I met with a group of people who had experienced similar life brokenness and they taught me the value of living in the present where life, the Spirit of God, and real relationships are worked out in reality.

I practiced, living in the present, while hiking in the woods.  When obsessive thinking about the past or future began to weigh heavy upon my shoulders, I literally brushed them off with my hand.  I focused on my five senses and experiencing what was going on in my environment, my heart and my spirit too.  The process of "living in the present" took about two years to integrate into the actualities and patterns of my life - what a wonderful change for the whole me.

I've been told that living too much in the past leads to depression and that living too much in the future leads to prolonged anxiety - that rang true to me.  Living in the present, where actual life and God are, clearly seems to be the best way to experience reality, relationships, love, and the seemingly illusive good and satisfying life.  You just might find all joy and hope there too (Romans 15:13).

The people visiting the only church in town may witness love and the value of living within God's presence.  He did all the heavy lifting to forgive all the sin that separated us from living "the good life" in the "present" walking humbly with God (Micah 6:8) - true peace and rest.

Just for today...

"A stonecutter may strike a rock ninety-nine times with no apparent effect, not even a crack on the surface.  Yet with the hundredth blow, the rock splits in two. It was not the final blow that did the trick, but all that had gone before . . . The results may have revealed themselves abruptly, but I know that all those months of faith and hard work made the change possible."  Courage to Change (p. 210)

July 23rd - Am I trying to bend reality according to my will?

The story...

There are reasons for why I did the things that I did.  Reasons for the good and reasons for the not so good.  Sometimes I ignored information and put on rose-colored glasses to gloss over the truths that would prevent me from working out my will.

Ambervision glasses were good - the world looked better

I learned to be more honest with me and my situation; understanding more fully, albeit incompletely, the way God views my condition and life.  With this in mind, why do I continue to have resentments, for what other people did, crop up into my mind?  I know that the thoughts aren't good for me, or anybody else, yet they seem to reside somewhere, dormant, in the back of my mind.  Do they stay around to reduce the risk of a reoccurrence?

People within the only church in town will need healthy boundaries to work out their faith and life amongst the wide range of people who are likely working out their phase of life the best they can.  Life looks better without willing life to be different or attempting to bend reality.  Our honest humility opens up our trust in God and maybe a few close friends too.  Truly, rest, peace can be found in reality walking humbly with God.

Just for today...

"I am no longer a victim, full of self-pity and bent on control of every aspect of my life." Courage to Change (p. 205)

"Resentments mark the place where I see myself as a victim . . . Feeling resentments was like drinking poison and hoping that the other person would die! . . .  What do I get out of feeling like a victim? . . . I felt protected by my resentments. They acted as a barbed-wire fence to keep away the people I felt had hurt me.  The problem was I kept pricking my own skin on the barbs.  I also was comfortable with my resentments."  Hope for Today (p. 205)

June 29th - Is Isolation a Sort of Cloaking Device?

The story...

I remember day dreaming about a scenario where everybody else was frozen in time . . . paused . . . and I was free to roam and do as I pleased.  At first, it seemed exciting breaking all of the rules and having free reign to go anywhere that I wanted to; but, I imagined transportation, food, and safety issues.  Then, I'd have to admit that it would be horribly lonely and purposeless living in isolation without relationships.  No, it wouldn't be better, more comfortable, enjoyable or even exciting for long.

How do we best respond when we're emotionally hurt by other people?  Do people really respond like Steve Martin in the movie "The Jerk?" Imagining we are self sufficient, don't need anyone else, pretending everything's okay, and moving further down the spiral towards self isolation.

What do we get when we self isolate?  Obsessive thoughts that justify the isolation along with their physical, mental and emotional consequences?   Erosion of the social skills that enable us to get along with and cooperate with other selfish people for our mutual good and growth?  It's kind of like Maverick's self isolation in Top Gun: "Maverick Engage!"

Cabbie's Imagined place of peace and bliss - Movie - Collateral

I hope that the only church in town will allow people the freedom to live out their lives themselves.  Yes, even through periods of isolation; but, I hope that they wouldn't stay away from others for too long.  I hope that a good neighbor, who's also loved by God, would take the first steps toward creating a bridge for them to reenter community. ✌

Just for today...

"Each unconsciously suppresses facts that might reflect badly on him or her, and exaggerates the other's faults."  One Day at at Time (p. 181)

"I no longer merely have to survive the hour, the day, or even the year in loneliness and isolation.  Instead I can learn to trust someone else and take chances..."  Hope for Today (p. 181)

June 8th - Invest my life playing win/lose games? Really?

The story...

My grandmother shared the game of solitaire with me - she loved to play it.  She, or maybe another person, told me that you could play a mental game of paying $52 for the deck of cards and earn $5 for every card that makes it to the top.  Its a win/lose game.  I've played this game countless times imagining what might be and finding out what I was dealt. "If I get all 52 cards on top then I'm going to..."   

I believe that this behavior is one of my learned defects - I stopped playing the game two days ago.  Forty days passed between the first draft and the posting of this story - stopping the solitaire habit was fruitful in unexpected ways.  I'm not sure what replaced the solitaire time, or trigger to play it, yet life's more peaceful and I'm trusting God more.

The only church in town will offer our Creator's version of what a good life looks like.  He doesn't tell us everything but does tell us enough to live a good life walking humbly with Him.  For me, regularly investing my time playing, and hoping on, a win/lose game with a deck of cards isn't a good fit.   

I lose...

Just for today...

"What defects could possibly give me pleasure?  Revenge, for one.  I spend lots of time creating mental scenarios in which I punish those who have hurt me.  I also get enjoyment from thinking that I am never wrong; in other words, I cling to pride . . . they prevent me from treating myself and others with love and respect."   Courage to Change (p. 160)

April 14th - Stinking Thinking

The story...

When things were going bad at work, I'd here myself saying "I'm going to quit..."  I even replayed that same mental tape after I'd left that company and moved on.  Stinking thinking seems to be recorded on a set of virtual tapes that I'm able to replay unconsciously.  Sounds like I am, or was, a victim of "stinking thinking."

Proverbs 23:7 says "as a man thinks, so he is."  I expect that most of us would agree with this verse yet some may feel they're victims to their past, limitations, other people, and life circumstances.  They're left with no choice - they've lost their opportunity for happiness.  How can they think differently about their same reality?

If you aren't satisfied with your thinking, you might research Joni Eareckson Tada's life reality, read about Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret, or listen to what Thomas Merton experienced in  "No Man is an Island."  Yet, scripture says that we must be redeemed or renewed - true freedom from "self" and self's "stinking thinking."

Haven't read - title seems "right on."

The only church in town will point all to the Christ and the gospel truth about Who He is, what He's provided for each of us, and How we can be redeemed - brought close to Him (NASB, 1 Corinthians 15: 1-11). 

Just for today...

"When 'stinking thinking' takes hold of me, I must do more than just dismiss the negative thoughts. . . Today I'm going to pay close attention to what I tell myself.  If necessary, I'll stop in mid-thought, start over, and replace negative illusions with positive truths."  Courage to Change (p. 105) 

April 12th - Enduring Change Takes Time - Be Patient

The story...

My life trajectory's improved significantly in recent years.  The changes came slowly and were worked out alongside other pilgrims.  Those who walked with me seemed more honest with themselves, more okay as they were, and less guarded.

It surprised me that meaningful change took months, rather than weeks, to become more habitual and part of my character.  For example, I learned that I often thought obsessively over problems, issues, and even new ideas.  Obsessive thinking restrained me from engaging in, and enjoying, the present - the "now" where life's actually lived.  Once I witnessed a better way, I assumed that I could change my behavior within 40 days at most - I've often heard it takes 40 days to establish a habit.  It actually took me about six months to actually be different.  I can still be triggered to start up a cycle of obsessive thinking; yet, I often, resolve it within the first 10 min. and return to living in the present.

I hope that the only church in town would accept people just as they are with grace and mercy.  The community would allow others to safely grow at their own pace.  Yes, real growth seems to take longer than expected and requires patience.  Over time, the Spirit of God will begin to bear fruit through their lives.  Some of their old defensive armor, needed to defend themselves, will be exchanged for the far better armor of God.

Just for today...

"You cannot create a statue by smashing the marble with a hammer, and you cannot by force of arms release the spirit or soul of man."  Confucius (551–479 BCE)

"Despair - how many of us suffer from it!  Yet we do not realize that it is purely the absence of faith." One Day at a Time (p. 103)

March 16th - Obsessive Thoughts

 The story...

"It's okay to let bad ideas land in your head but it's not okay to let them build a nest there."  I don't know when I heard this cliché but I do remember it.  I'm capable of renumerating, or continuously thinking about, an emotional triggered "issue" for too long.  This obsessive thinking can drive me into a mode where I think that I need to fix, manage, or control the issue(s).  Even when I'm distracted or move my energy toward another direction, it can be tempting to pick the thoughts up again.  Endlessly juggling them in my mind.  At those times, we're not free to choose a better life-giving alternative.  If free, we might experience fruit like: love, joy, peace, patience, happiness, and even joy. 

Personally, these obsessive thought patterns are negatively correlated with the degree that I'm walking humbly with God.  The more that I'm obsessively thinking, the less I'm thinking about, and relating rightly and honestly with, God and other people too.

Have I complete victory over obsessive thinking?  No.  Yet, I do recognize that obsessive state of mind and more quickly return to that right relation with God - the relationship-fruit bearing cycle is restored.  

Here are a few techniques I learned to better deal with obsessive thinking:

1. Say to yourself: "You've four minutes to tell me the truth about the situation - then it's over."  I'm frequently more aware of the situation reality, and my part in it, after the four minutes.
2. Literally brush the imagined issue off each of your shoulders as if they were bugs.
3. Kneel down and pray related truths from God's Word, about you, and the situation too.  Then spend and equal amount of time quietly and attentively listening.

The only church in town idea doesn't provide the opportunity for people to go to another church or split the church when obsessively focused on trouble.  The leaders, formal and informal, would naturally go to technique three, first individually and then as community.

Just for today...

"Acceptance means simply admitting there are things we cannot change.  Accepting them puts an end to our futile struggles and frees our thought and energy to work on things that can be changed." One Day at a Time (p. 76)

"When I obsessed, I hurt myself.  I drove myself to madness - insane thoughts and ideas - by trying to fix or control that which I have no power."  Hope for Today (p. 76)

March 5th - Wring Out the Value

The story...

The scene from long-long ago, I'm sitting at a conference table with a man from Hong Kong.  He's explaining plans for a new high-rise office building to replace their existing building.  I'm attentive - I'd heard stories about the "buzz" that characterized Hong Kong - I wanted to experience it too.  He explained that the building was being replaced to improve area traffic flow.  Large buildings are obviously expensive so this surprised me.  Why would they do such a thing?  They were replacing it for the benefit of the whole community.  Then I ask: "How old is the existing building?"  His answer shocked me: "It's seven or eight years old."   

I was reminded of the Hong Kong story when enjoying ice sculptures that were shown in the heart of my home town. They'd already begun to melt.  They also offered value to me and the community who chose to observe them.  Yet their expected life span was counted in hours.

How long might the only church in town last?  Buildings and their "value added" come and go.  Yet, I hope that the people who congregate there will "wring out" all of the value they can until...

Just of today... 

"I used to believe thinking was the highest function of human beings . . . I now realize loving is our supreme function..."  Hope for Today (p.65)

A wise friend offered me the following good advice: When a thought takes hold of your mind and shows signs of becoming obsessive thinking, stop, allow four minutes to reflect on what's true about it and then decide if something truly needs to be done on your part.  If not, continue on living. 

"Let go of the things you don't need to open up room for your strengths, skills, and feelings to become more fully part of your life."   Courage to Change (p. 65)

October 24th - Real, sustainable, change takes longer than I expected

The story...

It was a surprise to me when I realized that I spent much of my time obsessively thinking.  I probably had a self-preservation purpose for this self-defeating behavior.  Was it a defensive mechanism to prevent future pain?  Did I witness it modeled within my family?  Was it something that I developed myself?  Whatever the cause, once I was aware of the degree that I obsessively thought, and the negative effects, I chose to behave differently.  My victory over obsessive thinking required a progressive series of methods and friends who were traveling on a similar journey.  Sharing my successes and failures, with friends who cared, motivated and sustained me through the long change process.  Obsessive thoughts continue to "pop" into my head; but, now I recognize the ugly buggers for what they are; decide what's true about 'em; accept what's my part; and leave the rest to God who is both all-powerful and cares for even me.

My victory over chronic obsessive thinking is a good story for me; yet, that's not the point of this story.  This story's about how long it took to achieve and sustain this personal victory in reality.  Initially, I naively thought that mere knowledge of the subject would do it.  Then, I thought a few victories using coping methods would suffice.  Then, I thought that I made it when I could share the why's and how's with other people.  Then, I thought that a few months of many cycles of obsessive thinking recognition, tool application, and significant change was the victory that I was looking for.  It wasn't until my new way of thinking, behaving, and being were internalized that I achieved fundamental personal change.   This took over a year - at least 4X longer than I expected at the onset.

Working out life together within the only church in town will require patience. The community will offer grace and mercy during these long and bumpy life-change processes.  There are reasons why people are behaving in ways that they don't really want to - they often feel like victims.  The only church in town is a place to understand the "why," the "how," and to experience glimpses of the presence of God worked out through the lives of others.  Some changes seem to happen instantly yet most seem to take much time and likely suffering too.  It's hard to say goodbye to even those thing that weren't really working for me - "goodbye!"

Just for today...

"I now view my problems as survival skills that served me well as I was growing up . . .  To cope with the blaming and criticism in my home, I became a perfectionist."  Hope for Today (p. 298)

"Like the birch tree, I can be wounded if I am prematurely stripped of my defenses. Most of us have spent a significant amount of time trying to cope with these wounds from the past rather than growing and changing . . . When I am ready, the changes will come easily."  Courage for Change (p. 298)

October 23rd - Quiet your mind to see more wholly?

The story...

Two days ago, it was a cool, fall, windy, and partly-cloudy day.  I was hiking in the woods thinking about a few subjects that were important at the time.  Yet, I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the hike - I wanted to actually "walk out" the "good life" in reality.  Sure, I was earning exercise-points on my Apple watch, increasing my stamina, tearing down my muscles for rebuilding, tiring my body for getting the most out of my night's sleep, and maybe even coming to a few good decisions.  Yet, I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the hike, more of what I value - what I want out of life.

Same beach - different day - similar blessing

I was expecting to quiet my mind so that I might take in the abundance of reality that was going on around me.  As I began to descend the dunes toward the beach, my mind let go of it's grip and the world opened up to me.  The sun, wind, clouds, chill, heat, birds, waves, and sand were alive and I more fully took it all in - more fully engaged in life.  I felt a wave of fruit pour in and through my inner man - love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.  I experienced a love for God, my fellow man, and me too - restored, strengthened, rested, at peace, full of hope...

The only church in town would be a place where you could lay down your concerns and rest in the reality of who God is and who he made us to be.  It's a great thing to be walking rightly with God in Christ - a fruitful life in the midst of life's ever-changing circumstances.

Just for today...

"Let us stand aside so the light can shine on us and on all we do, so we can see ourselves and our circumstances with true clarity . . . I must find the vantage point where I can most clearly see my difficulty as it is; then answers will come."  One Day at a Time (p. 297)

"I don't have to accept the unacceptable, nor do I have to argue back or convince another person that I'm innocent or right . . . I can listen without taking the words personally."  Courage to Change (p. 297)

"My parents used religion to keep me in line. I believed we went to the only true church . . . He doesn't live in a box. He lives in me and in those around me. He loves me, cares for me, and accepts me just as I am - a work of art in progress."  Hope for Today (p. 297)

September 24th - Being emotionally, mentally, and spiritually well

The story...

My walks in the woods are important to me.  There're few man-made objects to be seen.  There're sounds of creatures, the wind, rustling leaves, and your feet crushing leaves and twigs.  You can feel the wind in your hair and the bumps in the path pushing the soles of your shoes and calloused feet. You can smell a few plants and the decaying leaves too.  You won't taste much; yet, you'll discern a couple things.  Yes, we can sense more while living in the present.

Along my walks, I'm capable of drifting back to an unresolved scenario from my past - often thinking about my role, what I did, and what I might have done.  I've learned to decide what's true about the past situation and to "dispatch" the history before it turns into obsessive thinking and depression.  Often the thoughts end well with me accepting reality and trusting God for needed resolution.

While walking, I might entertain expectations and plans for future events.  This type of thinking can be a worthy, decisive, hiking time investment; yet, they too can turn into unproductive obsessive thinking. It's not hard to begin imagining what might go wrong to the point of imagining my fears into negative, pessimistic expectations for the future.  I don't want to view the future pessimistically nor walk into my future unprepared.

You know these guys...

It seems good when half of my time, walking down the path of life, is living in and more fully perceiving the present - experiencing my senses, feelings, and tuned into my spirit and the presence of God.  Most often this state's not a thinking thing.  It's a peaceful and restful place to be with my mind at rest, sensing what's going on around me, and looking forward to what's up around the path's bend.  I also seem to enjoy my encounters with other hikers better too when I am walking peacefully in the present - it's good to be connected within community.  When I finish my hike, I feel senses of accomplishment, restfulness, and a better sense of connectedness with my whole self, others and God too - okay and loved.

What happens when we don't experience love for an extended period of time?  Might we fail to engage in life or even to experience emotions?  I've heard stories of ignored babies in orphanages who stopped crying - they seem to've realized that there was nobody there to comfort them - to be loved.  The only church in town's a place to learn about what God's revealed about Himself, us, and realistic expectations for the future. The church is a place for experiencing the love of God and real reasons for being okay with yourself.  I want to be present in a place with loving relationships - living within the grace of God - how about you?

Just for today...

"What would happen if we stopped blaming anyone for anything? We would experience miracles of tolerance and grace - rich spiritual rewards, reflected in a life of real fulfillment."  One Day at a Time (p. 268)

"...I suffered from the disease in the form of emotional sickness and spiritual starvation . . . When I could not do another thing for myself . . . God wrapped me in protective care and began to teach me that I am worthy of joy and serenity . . . God's grace is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves."  Hope for Today (p. 268)