October 13th - Being who you are or who they want you to be?

The story...

There's a guy I know that's experiencing health changes that allows him to be both less inhibited and also less likely to behave as he's expected.  I look forward to meeting him and the community interaction seems much more interesting, vibrant and refreshing, with him - you just don't know what he'll say next.  He's spontaneous and seems to speak from his heart without first passing his thoughts through some filters that he may've refined throughout years of adapting to group codes of acceptable behavior.

People are so much fun when they're more themselves rather than the role the group's assigned to them.  They're certainly better than when they attempt to "act" like the idealized role of who the "best" would be.  This is an argument for casual rather than formal dress within community; yet, there are times when we all do need to agree to be a better version of ourselves for the good of us all.  Formal dress does suggest the group's desire to act and behave according to a standard that might be more desirable and honorable.  "If everybody would just _____ everything would be fine - just like it use to be."

The only church in town would teach about the Body of Christ and the expected uniqueness of each of the members.  Like a body, there are mouths, ears, little-toes, knees, hair follicles, and eyes - each uniquely equipped to serve its role.  The body will not function well without each behaving "just as they are" as opposed to all trying to be like the mouth (1 Cor. 12:12-27).  They'd frequently remind each other of this mystical union that's facilitated and empowered by the Spirit of God - God working out His will amongst and through community.

Just for today...

"Did this behavior get me what I wanted or encourage me to feel good about myself?  When I took a good look, I realized that the answer to the question was 'No.'  Loud, angry words and actions demonstrated my frustration and pushed away all hope for peaceful solutions to my problems . . . Easy does it."  Courage to Change (p. 287)

September 18th - The value of "we" in community

The story...

My four siblings and I lived closely together.  Each family member seemed to provide something that other family members lacked.  Some took on a role that partly filled a group need: Planner, Encourager, Tester, Teacher, Story Teller, Helper, Organizer, Server, Project Leader, Decision Maker, Giver, Doer etc.  Maybe that means we were a bit dysfunctional when one of the family members was gone for a period of time?  I expect that we each flexed our style in order to recover some of the lost value of our missing sibling.  It's frustrating to see siblings compare each other to evaluate who is the "best" or to try to fulfill a "best" image that the family has conjured up.  It seems better to appreciate the value of the "we" and enjoy each other just as they are.  It's a good thing to be okay with who you are - this state of well being seems like a sound foundation for continual growth within the "good life."

It would be a shame if there was a family code that encouraged all members to live, think and act in similar ways according to a "best" standard.  "If I could just fix _____ then I'd be okay" - ugh.

People new to the only church in town would learn about the Body of Christ and how people are given unique characteristics, talents, and gifts in order to better form God's called out group of people according to His will (1 Corinthians 12).  Each person would be valued and offered the opportunity to engage in the church community.  The church would be a place where people would go to serve their role in something bigger and better than any one person could possibly do or be.

Just for today...

"Too often my memory has given me sadness, bringing back past hurt and shame. But now I can use my memory to see the progress I have made and to know the joy of gratitude."  Courage to Change (p. 262)

July 25th - What do we do when we don't get needed approval?

The story...

It felt good to receive good grades in elementary school.  It was easy to remember the assignment and recite it back to the teacher. John, Jill and I had the best memories in the class.  I could look at the letter grade on my paper and quickly compare it with those around me - I was better.  This changed in middle school - learning required more practice and there were more people. 

My seventh grade math class was situated in a trailer outside the school and the curriculum allowed kids to learn at their own pace.  When I got too far ahead, my teacher asked me to help those who were struggling.  I tried to help one particular guy, he seemed to resent my efforts and stole my set of colored pencils.  He and I were very different and naturally gravitated to different groups of 7th or 8th graders.  I sought respect within my academics and he from being like the cool "tough" kids.

I don't remember studying at home - I must've yet I don't remember it.  In high school, I took a strange sort of pride from never taking text books home - the academic role didn't seem to fit me anymore.  I made few attempts to please my teachers.  It was almost as though I rejected my teacher's authority before they rejected and "graded" me.  College was a similar experience yet most of the students in the engineering curriculum were naturally intelligent and motivated to learn.

It seems that we all desired approval yet I tended to reject the evaluators before they rejected me.   Yes, it seems I feared rejection and built a sort of protective shield.  I felt group acceptance by being the story-telling guy rather than working out and living out the more real and natural me.  

The only church in town would offer the grace necessary for loving people as they are.  People will feel more safe and loved when they take their masks off and find people who they can related to and grow with.  Might accepted and loved people more freely receive the love of God and His workings through other people? Yes they can!

Just for today...

"Why did I continue to deny my own feelings to gain someone's approval? . . . Was I able to face the real me behind the people-pleasing image?  Do I say what I mean and mean what I say?" Courage to Change (p. 207)

"As we abandon the role of accuser, judge and manager, the home climate shows marked improvement.  A pleasant, cheerful environment..."  One Day at a Time (p. 207)

May 17th - Be Yourself - Alive Today

The story...

About sixty guys lived on my dorm floor.  There were about sixty girls who lived on the girl's floors too.  There was a type of guy who was noticed and included in the groups that I wanted to be a part of.  So, I wore the right clothes, went to the same places, performed the same rituals, and suffered along the way.

One term, my roommate and I decided to "buck the system" - rebel.  We wore t-shirts, bibs, and tennis shoes without socks.  We piled our dirty clothes on the couch yet friends still crowded in our room to hang out.  Although we were being rebels of a sort, new social norms were being established - others started to behave like us.  I'm glad we cleaned up the next term.  It was fun but it was no place to stay.

Living vicariously means living life through another person.  It seems like most people do it yet it often leads to stress and unhappiness.  Put on a mask, play a role, try to fit it, be part of the group, please people, and possibly idolize the leader.  A better way is to be yourself already.  Live in the present with an honest appreciation of you.  Why not appreciate the joys of being alive today as we truly are?

George idolizes Tony

The people in the only church in town would work out their own faith together.  The group relationships will be important towards their growth, yet their most important relationship will be between them and God.  Their wise pastor would recognize the pitfall of being idolized - the group living vicariously through his life of faith.  He would, succinctly and directly, point them back to their true Savior lest he begin to enjoy being treated as a type of little god or even a sort of doted pet.

Just for today...

"While growing up I had used denial to block myself from feeling pain, which also blocked me from experiencing pleasure."  Hope for Today (p. 138)

"... if I concentrate on being right here, right now, I know that I am fine . . . Let me make today the most fully alive day I have ever experienced." Courage to Change (p. 138)

May 16th - Did I Take Up Too Much Space?

The story...

I grew up within a loud-large family where I felt the need to interject my story quickly, with enthusiasm, and in an interesting way, for people to acknowledge me - to fit it.  I was born with a personality that I seem to have crafted into that role - mine was different than all the others.  When I left the confines of my family, I realized the need to adapt my role playing to better "fit in."  I assumed the "real" me wasn't enough to naturally fit in - to avoid rejection.  So, I became proficient as the story teller.  I gravitated toward people and places where stories were told - where I could shine.  The college bar scene was the perfect environment until it wasn't.

My spouse married a fun guy - the story teller.  He was loud, funny, enthusiastic, and the idea guy - she complimented me in ways where I was lacking.  We were a good team - friends.  We had kids, supervisor jobs, and community roles that required adaptation to fit it.  

Later in life, I became more comfortable with me and dropped some of the habits that made up parts of my persona.  Some of my current "ways" might have been more natural for me, as a young boy, if I grew up in a different type of family.  Yet, I'm thankful that I tended to engage in life, liven the group with my stories, embark on new adventures, and change things up. 

Today, I'm truly a better listener - respect and value others more too.  I'm thankful for my current character within this epic story of life yet I also value my past roles - the tapestry of who I am.

The only church in town would appreciate each person as they are within their story.  Collectively, they'd know that they're a key part of a much richer tapestry.  A place where all people can rest, learn, grow, and abide in the reality of who they are in Christ.

 

Just for today...

"A wonderful nurturing atmosphere is created when people help other people by being themselves and sharing their own experiences."  Courage to Change (p. 137)

"When I feel I must take a radical and irrevocable step, shouldn't I make sure I am not motivated by resentment, hatred, or anger?"  One Day at a Time (p. 137)

May 4th - Mansion on the Hill

The story...

Are you okay with your character within the epic story of life?  I expect it's good to want to improve our condition yet it's probably more important to appreciate the good in what we got.

I remember imagining how great it would be to be a professor.  Graduate students working real projects alongside me and even stopping by my house to talk about their ideas and lives too.  I'd live in a one-story-brick house with a big front porch.  It'd never be winter on that tree-lined street where everybody felt welcomed.  We'd share our lives as we worked through the reality of this world and what might be.  I'd attend lectures, plays, and concerts.  Life would be bigger, wiser, and more fulfilling. 

The idea was compelling enough that I worked long and hard to earn my PhD and find that university job.  It was good, yet it wasn't as I imagined it would be.  I was tired at the end of a work day and looked forward to returning to my condo - away from campus, fellow professors, and the students too. 

Most people aren't alive and their time under the sun is over.  Biology, astronomy and the science leave me in awe of this "miracle" of life.  Wow, you and I are both alive if you're reading this sentence.  That's a big wow!

We can waste our life dreaming of a better reality, the "mansion on the hill," and miss the wonderful reality of what truly is.  Bruce Springsteen's album "Nebraska" does a good job of delving into the hopes, dreams, and the struggles of being human - the lyrics, guitar, harmonica and his comfortable voice resonated with my soul during a couple phases of my life.

We can look at life good or we can look at life bad.  Suffering breaks some people yet leads others to trust in God and His Word for their past, present and future.  I hope that the only church in town will be a place of joy and hope in the midst of suffering.  Their countenances and talk would speak of overflowing thankfulness for journeying though a life in Christ.   I hope we wouldn't find people commiserating in their futility - hoping for a mansion on a hill for fulfillment.

Just for today...

"If a man happens to find himself, he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life."  James Michener

"When a man of good-will is troubled or tempted or afflicted with evil thoughts, then he can better understand how great a need he has of faith in God."  Thomas à Kempis

March 2nd - The missing piece

The story...

It's fun to build jigsaw puzzles with friends.  Each of us has are own way of doing it; yet, we all contribute towards the same aim - to complete the puzzle.  If you look closely, you'll see that there's one piece missing.

Thank you Teddy Roosevelt for saving our National Parks.

Frequently there's one piece missing.  Where do those lost pieces go?  You may be thinking that they go to the same place where lost socks go.  So, is the puzzle complete?  Did we fail?  Must we throw it away so that this outcome doesn't reoccur?  I'm leaving you with these questions.  You know your answers and the related questions.

How does this relate to the only church in town?  The pieces of the group continuously change.  It seems, there will always be at least one missing piece.  Yet, the group is uniquely wonderful when we're all being ourselves in Christ - focused on our North Star - That Than Which There is No Greater!

Just for today...

"Someone said, 'I wasn't born this way; I learned.' When I heard that, I felt more hope than I had ever experienced."  Hope for Today (p. 62)

March 1st - A knot that binds

The story...

I learned to tie many knots as a Boy Scout - even the life-saving Bowline knot.  You can actually practice tying the bowline with one hand like you might want to if you're hanging from a cliff holding onto the end of your rope.  I practiced this over and over and became rather adept at it for a few days; then, I forgot it.  I likely wouldn't be able to recall that knot method if I find myself precariously hanging from the end of my rope and needing to tie that life-saving non-slip knot - like that's gonna happen.

There's one knot that's imbedded in my memory as a habit that doesn't seem to be erasable.  My dad taught me this knot to tie on my fishing lures.  The emotional pains and feelings related to losing a favorite lure, or possibly the biggest fish of the day, motivated me to learn the method and do it "right."  I tie that knot the same way my dad taught me.  First, you spin seven times - not six or eight.  You can find alternative fishing line knots on YouTube.  They claim to be stronger or simpler to tie.  Am I going to change?  Strangely, no.

There're times when I need to tie a knot, with fishing line, that's not a slip knot.  For example, like when tying an invisible line to prop up an object or to form a safety line to prevent the object from falling from a top shelf.  

Can you see the line?

Who do I call when I'm in need of a specialty knot?  I dial up YouTube and learn from a person who most graciously took the time to share their knowledge with all who want to know.  Thank you YouTubers!

How might the fishing line and knot knowledge relate to the only church in town?   The supporting roles are often hard to see and often require specialized knowledge that may be learned throughout a lifetime. 

Please accept my heartfelt thanks for the supporting role(s) that you provide within your communities.  I expect that we all know and feel it when we're using our talents and gifts in the way that's uniquely ours.  I'm so thankful to be found safely in Christ and that the Spirit of Christ can perform great works even through me.   

Just for today...

"Disappointment, bitterness, and resentment are ties that bind, and until we release these feelings to God, we remain bound to the past."  Hope for Today (p. 61)

"Humility prepares us for the realization of God's will for us; it shows us the benefits we gain from doing away with self-will."  One Day at a Time (p. 61)

"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are."  Zen proverb

February 14th - Mask wearing

 The story...

Once upon a time, I was assigned the responsibility to lead a group of about twelve high-school teenagers.  I facilitated an open first session to engage them in a discussion aimed at finding out what topics were most important to them - they didn't know.  I met a college professor, for the first time, after the session and described my class topic dilemma to him.  He suggested we focus on the book TrueFaced (1995) that he previously used with a college class.  The book's main idea was that people often walk through life acting out different roles to cover up their true selves - it's like they have a mask at hand for each occasion.  I did use the material with the class and I remember that the ideas did resonate with them.  The one quote that I frequently recall is: "I prefer that you be who I want you to be rather than who you are, if it's all the same to you." (TrueFaced, p. 32).

The book TrueFaced Experience Guide (pp. 33,34) listed six masking behaviors that you may relate to:

• I become highly sensitized to my own sin and judge the sin of others.
• I lose my objectivity in a crisis and I become the issue.
• I hide my sinful behavior and become more vulnerable to sin.
• I am unable to be loved or to love.
• I become susceptible to wrong life choices.
• I attempt to control others.

Group think and the desire to please others can lead us into acting out a part wearing our own mask(s). After we act out a role long enough, might we forget who we are and where we're going?

The only church in town might offer a grace message - a safer place where people can be truth tellers.  Would it be a loving environment where people are accepted just the way they are?   Freedom is a wonderful thing.

Just for today...

"'Just trust me?' is the last thing you want to hear when you have already carefully concluded that no one can be trusted ... except yourself." TrueFaced Experience Guide (p. 44) 

"We look very impressive - we have learned to package our techniques well - but our self-effort keeps us self-centered and immature . . . Because we are constantly pursuing power and authority, and manipulating to gain control, God can never release us into our future . . . Our relational sadness, our inability to be loved, our festering wounds and broken relationships freeze us in immaturity."  TrueFaced Experience Guide (p. 145)

"Do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with God in Christ."  Micah 6:8 (NASB)

January 30th - Stinking Thinking

The story...

About twenty years ago, my assigned Human Resources representative and I were discussing ongoing problems within my work group that she characterized and labeled as "stinking thinking."  Then she said something like: "They need a leader to help them: remember past successes and celebrate new ones, know they're capable; feel valued; serve each other; view problems as opportunities; test new ways often; learn alongside others habitually; respect each other... - then they'll engage and be the best version of themselves together.  As their manager and leader, what's your part in making this happen?"

What did I do differently?  Focused on demonstrating RESPECT for all work group members in word and deed.  Played together more often - a Friday afternoon paint-ball session helped build teamwork.  Learned more about each group member and what/who was important to them.  We solved interpersonal disputes quickly in more sustainable ways - they knew that they'd be working it out in my office, and even bring in H.R. help, if they didn't work it out together.  There were many positive changes that we made together; yet, much of the change started with me being a better leader and manger.

Yes, there was some stinking thinking going on within me that was strangely reflected within the group's interactions, behaviors, and performance together.  I started with "me" rather than attempting to craft plans to fix the problems that I could identify with "them."  The resulting changes in what we did, and who we were, were worthy of the transformation investment.  I became a better leader, manager, and person as a result of the growing that we worked out together - in community.

The only church in town will easily find fault within each other as they worship, praise, learn, grow, and serve together.  Real change and growth will occur when they internalize the value of the slogan "let the change begin with me."  The gospel will offer the opportunity for each person to be a new creature in Christ - the intended version of you.  Then each person, and the group as a whole, can be free "in deed." (Galatians 5:1).

Just for today...

"I watched, monitored, controlled, and exercised my need to feel hurt. I felt self-pity, embarrassment, superiority, resentment, and anger.  All of these took obsessive turns filling my mind and heart. I wondered why I indulged in these draining  behaviors and emotions, which only resulted in further misery for me."  Hope for Today (p. 30)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."  1 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

January 17th - Working out life from a new tool box...

 The story...

Long ago over dinner in Bethel Maine, a woman from Xerox gave me advice - it stuck.  I've shared this advice with 100's of people and I don't even remember her name.  Everybody seemed to understand the advice and its application too.  I'd recently been promoted from engineer to engineering manager.  She explained the difference between the two tool boxes that I had at my disposal.  The old set that served me well and the new set that I'd need to better "lead" and "manage" the group.  Surely, it was wise to oil, and occasionally apply, the tools in the old box; yet, the new set must be developed and augmented to leverage the group towards...

I tried leading this group long ago - thank you "Murray House" 

Strangely, I sense a need to cleanup and change the tool box that I've been using for the last ten years.  Here are seven tools that I think I need to add or dust off, oil, and use more frequently:  

• Uber Driving: Help people get where they're going and share life along the way.
• "Bigger" Ears:  Listen to others without opinion or thoughts of fixing, managing, or controlling.
• Get Out the Door: Move from thinking about to doing more readily - take that first step.
• Thankfulness:  Within my prayers, activities, & relationships - on both "Light" & "Dark" days.
• Exercise & Stretch:  Enable my body to go where He and I will to go...
• Invest:  Build up others & thoughtfully transfer what I have to 'em too.
• Keep the End in Mind - Be eternally focused and earthly good too.
• Honest in Self Assessment: Remain humble - focused on the glory of God.

The only church needs you to work out your life with 'em.  You need 'em too even though it may currently be a latent need.  Bring your toolbox and be ready to work out your life with 'em.  Once there, you may find the need to add a tool, pick up an old tool, or replace your tool box with a new one that...

Just for today...

"I will make myself learn to use a new set of tools: tolerance, kindness, patience, courtesy, love and humor - and a firm determination to do what is necessary to improve my life."  One Day at a Time (p. 17)

"I often restrain myself for fear that others will misunderstand and criticize me."  Hope for Today (p. 17)