October 30th - Helping others helps me to be and do

The story...

Yesterday, I saw my neighbor walking down the bike path by the side of the road.  I remembered the picture of him with the 4' sturgeon that he caught earlier in the week.  I was on my motorcycle so it would've been easy to turn around and pull into a driveway and hear his story - the sharing would likely have been good for him and built up our relationship too.  Even though I paused a bit longer than I would've hoped, my motorcycle came back and we strengthened our relationship.

Wikipedia

Why was this interchange important?  Maybe it demonstrated that I was truly interested in him, was pleased with his unexpected joy, was interested in the details of the "fight," asked how he felt as he wondered what it might be, and demonstrated keen interest during the whole conversation.  It was all about him.  It felt good to know that it was natural and true behavior on both of our parts - I wasn't "trying" to demonstrate interest and happiness with him - I actually was happy for and interested in his life.  That seems like good living.

I expect that my turning around to love my neighbor as myself was "doing" what I want to "be."  As I reflect on the reality of this simple situation - I'm so thankful for the changes in my life that've reduced my focus on me and turned my eyes and heart more towards others.

There'll be happiness and joy within the community of the only church in town.  They'll be a sort of organism that values each of their unique parts - they'll know it takes all of the parts of a body for it to function as He designed.  Praise God for the Body of Christ worked out in the Light.

Just for today...

"Many a solution to a difficulty of my own has come to me while I was helping someone else."  One Day at a Time (p. 304)

September 14th - Painful life lessons - pearls or thorns?

The story...

"You're going to have foot surgery on both of your feet?  That's great, you'll be in a wheelchair and bring light on all the handicap access limitations within our facilities.  Why not do the wheelchair option and indirectly help others along the way."   I accepted the surgery one foot at a time - traded the concept of a wheelchair with the reality of crutches.  My struggles with my crutches did require me to receive help, and possibly love, from other people; but, I didn't expose the handicap limitations that some hoped I would.

I remember standing in the snow, on my crutches, trying to work the card reader, with my bag dangling from my shoulder, attempting to open the entry door - I couldn't do it.   I had to wait for another early bird to arrive and open it for me.  I couldn't do this on my own and needed the help.  The experience was real good for me - it was teaching me to be both less self reliant and to receive kindness from others too.  Strangely, these painful life lessons were good and I was "lucky" enough to repeat the process twice.

So, I believe the painful experience was actually of  great value like a pearl; yet, I want to avoid similar pain today.  Okay, that doesn't make sense - I will to remain thankful for life within all circumstances today.  I stand in thankfulness for God's provision for today, tomorrow, and for all eternity - that's a good place to be.

People, who choose to live their life out within the only church in town, would recognize the value of all life experiences worked out within the will of God.  They'll enjoy relationships with others whom they can express and receive loving kindness along the way.  They'll recognize God's provision for those who accept His love and our His - "abba" father!

Just for today...

"The lessons were too painful - I would get excited about something, only to have my hopes shattered. As time passed and hope diminished, I fell deeper into despair. Eventually I shut down my feelings and refused to care or to hope for anything at all . . . It is risky to care - I may be disappointed. But in trying to protect myself from pain, I could cut  myself off from the many delights that life has to offer. I will live more fully today."   Courage to Change (p. 258)

September 1st - Self-Care

The story...

Should I put on my favorite old t-shirt or that button-downed collared shirt?  Why take a shower if no one will notice?  Why put the books back on the book shelf?  I'll probably need them tomorrow.  Why get my hair cut?  It doesn't look too bad.  Why vacuum the carpet once per week?  I really don't notice the difference.  Why not eat and entertain ourselves the way that we normally do?  Why study the bible?  Netflix has programming designed to entertain, teach, and satisfy and it'll give us something to talk about.

Do I take good care of myself?  Am I worth taking good care of myself?  Do I take good care of myself for me or to appease others?  Is it okay to love yourself and enjoy your life?  These are good questions and they seem to fall under that heading of self-care.  

Do I practice self-care first to develop a sense of love and value for me?  Or, do I focus on understanding, valuing, and loving me to open up my will for practicing self-care?

The only church in town will spread the good news that God's provided the way for you to be loved and safe within the hands of God.  You're valued and can enjoy an everlasting relationship with God in Christ.  God even says that the same Holy Spirit who raised Christ from the dead will reside within you as evidence of your saving faith.  By His shed blood our sins are forgiven - we can be right with God.  His resurrection proves He's both God and has the power to resurrect you with an everlasting life and new body too.  Man, that's good news.  Take good care of yourself - you're truly worth it.

Just for today...

"When our problems enclose us and saturate our thoughts, we find ourselves in an insolation that gives us an acute sense of loneliness . . . Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed."  One Day at a Time (p. 245)

July 4th - I wonder if somebody will sit next to me?

The story...

I sat next to a woman on a train to Milwaukee yesterday.  Unexpectedly, we shared much of the important parts of our lives.  Kristen let me know that she had her eye removed with hopes of eradicating the cancer in her body yet she recently discovered that the cancer is now in her liver - there's no known cure for that type of cancer.  She's participating in a sort of holistic program to extend her life with the hope that a new, yet unknown solution, might materialize.

She was a positive person with much support in her life.   We discussed living in 3-month intervals, the pros and cons of hoping for a miracle, difficulties related to thinking about future plans, and the important parts of life that might make a difference into eternity.  I think that we encouraged each other and were both better off for having met and listened to each other with open hearts.  I'm glad that I chose to sit next to her.  I wrote a prayer card and placed it in my prayer box.  I hope that she lives a long fruitful life yet I likely will never know - we shared only our first names.  I wish now we would have traded e-mail addresses.

The only church in town would likely be a place where congregates might expect conversations regarding life's challenges and eternal realities with open, honest, and humble God trusting people.  Human wisdom and hope have limited value when interment is in view.

Just for today...

• Value each person we meet - it's a miracle that each of us is alive.
• Be open to God's leading and resist temptations to be your own little god.
• Seek to understand them - you might open an opportunity to both give and receive love.

June 21st - Are Bike Tours a Way to Bathe in Kindness?

The story...

What does kindness mean to me?  I remember when older, wiser, and more powerful adults invested their time with me and took an interest in what I thought, did and hoped for - they were kind.  I remember people allowing me to share my thoughts when they had more knowledge or knew where I was wrong - I may not have even been aware of their kindness.  I remember people witnessing my sadness and coming along side me until I felt better - kindness felt.  I remember riding my bicycle across Iowa in July; people fed me, watered me, entertained me, and provided a safe, more comfortable, place - the whole bike journey and Iowa seemed kind.

RAGBRAI - Kindness

So, am I a kind person?  I'd like to think I am.  Yet, I've limits to the degree that I'm willing to engage in other people's lives and share my limited resources.  Why?  I don't want to characterize myself as self-centered yet I know that I am selfish by nature - I've a track record that confirms my selfishness.  I was busy doing the work thing, raising my family, and amassing the stuff I thought I needed to achieve my life expectations - the "too busy" thing is no longer an excuse for not being kind.

I want to be characterized as a kind person.  So what's my game plan for being kind?  I expect kindness is something different than love.  Maybe it's love worked out amongst others.  As a supervisor, it was unkind to not hold subordinates accountable for improving and achieving good results.  As a parent, it was unkind to try to fulfill all your children's desires and thereby stunt their growth.  So, I don't think kindness is always doting on or "helping" another person.  I expect that kindness is intertwined, with love, justice, and respect too.  Sometimes, kindness may mean separating from one you love, saying goodbye, so that they can venture out on a new path that they must say hello to without you.  I know that God is kind yet true to all of His other qualities too.  People who've been pruned or disciplined by God may not feel kindness until they came closer to God, with a right heart - the peace of God.

The only church in town will have people who are living the good life in Christ, trusting God's promises, and more rightly related to God in actualities.  People would live out their life circumstances together and experience love worked out.  Like selfish caterpillars morphing into a kinder and more loving butterfly - the power of God transforming people like me.

Just for today...

"If I concentrate on being tolerant and kind at all times, with everyone, it will soon become and automatic reaction, no matter how trying the circumstances might be.  This attitude will color whatever I do an make me more acceptable, to myself as well as to others."  One Day at a Time (p. 173)

May 30th - Does it Seem Wrong to Be Kind to Yourself?

The story...

Are there good guys and bad guys in life?  Or, are we all under the curse of sin and death - bad guys?

I recently met a really good person who remembers only a few times when she rebelled against authority and acted out badly.  She seems compliant and appears to genuinely care for and love other people.  I've met other people who seem rebellious by nature and challenge most direction and attempts to control them - started as a baby and never stopped.  Personally, I tend to fall on the rebellious side of the continuum. 

On May 7, 1931, the most sensational manhunt New York City had ever known had come to its climax.

After weeks of search, "Two Gun" Crowley - the killer, the gunman who didn't smoke or drink - was at bay, trapped in his sweetheart's apartment on West End Avenue. One hundred and fifty policemen and detectives laid siege to his top floor hideaway. They chopped holes in the roof; they tried to smoke out Crowley, the "cop killer," with teargas. Then they mounted their machine guns on surrounding buildings, and for more than an hour one of New York's fine residential areas reverberated with the crack of pistol fire and the rut-tat-tat of machine guns. Crowley, crouching behind an over-stuffed chair, fired incessantly at the police. Ten thousand excited people watched the battle. Nothing like it ever been seen before on the sidewalks of New York.

When Crowley was captured, Police Commissioner E. P. Mulrooney declared that the two-gun desperado was one of the most dangerous criminals ever encountered in the history of New York.

"He will kill," said the Commissioner, "at the drop of a feather." But how did "Two Gun" Crowley regard himself? We know, because while the police were firing into his apartment, he wrote a letter addressed "To whom it may concern, " And, as he wrote, the blood flowing from his wounds left a crimson trail on the paper. In this letter Crowley said: "Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one - one that would do nobody any harm. "

A short time before this, Crowley had been having a necking party with his girl friend on a country road out on Long Island. Suddenly a policeman walked up to the car and said: "Let me see your license." Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the policeman down with a shower of lead. As the dying officer fell, Crowley leaped out of the car, grabbed the officer's revolver, and fired another bullet into the prostrate body. And that was the killer who said: "Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one - one that would do nobody any harm. '

 How to Win Friends And Influence People, Dale Carnegie

Scripture says that all men and women are unholy and separated from our Holy Creator by our selfish nature and the sin that oozes out.   We would all remain separate from God during this life and throughout eternity unless God alone redeemed and reconciled us.  Humans can enter their most important relationship with Him solely based on being identified with Christ and the atoning work He performed through His death and resurrection.  He did the heavy lifting and died for our sin - He paid our debt.  Yes, we can be holy in the site of God in Christ.

Do I have to beat myself up for not being consistently good?  No.  I can walk each day loving God and my neighbor as myself based solely on the great work that God's done on my behalf.  Wow, I can truly rest in the goodness of God.  I can be kind to myself just as I am - praise God.

How would the only church in town accept a rebellious man within their congregation?  I expect that they'd start with acknowledging that they're all somewhere on the rebellion-compliance continuum and that they all need the gift of God's grace daily.

Just for today...

"If I am hard on myself, I can stop and remember that I deserve gentleness and understanding from myself.  Being human is not a character defect!  Today I will be gentle with my humanness."  Courage to Change (p. 151)

May 11th - Be kind to you - take it slow

The story...

I greatly appreciate every opportunity to meet with a friend where we leave our guns and armor at the front door.  No agenda, just hanging out together, sharing what's going on within our inner man.  It seems that it takes years to develop that type of vulnerable and trusting relationship that I'm describing.  I've a few relationships like that and I greatly value each of them.

Sometimes a friend's struggling with their current condition, suffering, coping, dealing with those people, or their disappointment with themselves.  They seem to breathe a deep "cleansing breath" when they hear a message like: "Hey, come on, be a best friend to you, treat yourself nice. give yourself some grace man.  You know how long it takes for us to grow - be patient with you already."

God's second greatest commandment, "love your neighbor as yourself," validates the legitimacy of loving yourself as part of our foundation for living a good life.  Might I love myself as I am, not just when I am performing up to my imagined standard of who I oughta be?  YES!  Let's give ourselves a break already.  Show you some grace like the grace that God offers.

Meaningful and lasting change takes time. In my experience, it takes about three times as long as I'd expect to make fundamental life changes.  What kind of changes am I talking about?  Developing close friendships, fully engaging within the group, living in the present, avoiding obsessive thinking, truly seeking to understand before being understood, loving those I've little affinity towards, eliminating self-defeating behaviors, avoiding even the idea of changing another person, working out the greatest commandments...

My turtle friend, from long ago, took it slow - a patient sort.

The only church in town would be characterized as kind.  Kindness and love worked out amongst real relationships through the power of God. Whoa, who wouldn't want to be part of a group like that?

Just for today...

"I spend more time with myself than with anyone else. . . Today I will spend some time exploring the most intimate relationship I will ever have - my relationship with myself."   Courage to Change (p. 132)

"I will learn to relax my stubborn grip on sufferings and allow the solutions to unfold by themselves." One Day at a Time (p. 132)

April 17th - Try Giving Up Trying

The story...

Dale Carnegie wrote the book "How to Win Friends & Influence People."  I'm not a big fan of self-help books but this one's a gem.  Self-help books often teach ways that people are asked to "try" to be better - ways they aren't capable of following due to inherent personal flaws.  For me, "do" is a much better word than "try" - "try" suggests that failure's a likely outcome.

I've read, and listened to, Carnegie's book about ten times. It's crazy good and helpful.  I've found myself thinking on and "doing" his suggestions throughout my life with good result.

One of my favorite characters in the book is Teddy Roosevelt.  He knew each of the White House servants by name. The night before a person visited the White House would find him reading about what was most interesting to the visitor.  If the boy was interested in sailboats then he read about sailboats.  Those people loved him back and Teddy grew and grew to become...  

The only church in town would be characterized by love.  A growing love within the umbrella of the Spirit of Christ.  Congregates, within this Body of Christ, would increasingly listen and love as they "do" or work out the reality of their lives as individuals and together too within community - actually interested in, listening to, and caring for each other..

Just for today...

"My best efforts to be noticed, listened to, appreciated, and loved were failing. . . As I focused my actions on a loving principle, my character defect of craving attention from people who couldn't give it was removed."  Hope for Today (p. 108)

"If the group's plans seem designed to benefit the greatest number of people, I can usually support them.  I don't mean that I ignore my own needs and feelings - I express them.  But others have needs too, and I must respect them."  Courage for Today (p. 108)

March 25th - Friend Watch

The story...

I have a friend who closely observes my behavior.  They challenge me to set mental and physical health goals and track my progress to goal too.  They offer me encouraging reminders to keep me going towards when and where I want to go.  Occasionally, they alert me to correlations between my good behaviors and other good life outcomes like better sleep and greater aerobic capacity.  They've even warned me of potentially life threatening risks such as a fall or heart rhythm abnormality.  And, they do all of this with words that express caring and kindness.  You likely guessed, from the picture, that I'm talking about my Apple-Watch friend.  We've been good friends for years - meet my good friend:

I was awarded for swimming longer and faster

Human friends have flaws, aren't always focused on me, are less predictable, and are free to choose.  I'm glad my friends are free; yet, I'm not about to give up my Apple Watch.  Like the Apple watch, I hope that the people in the only church in town would be honest with me, point out my lifestyle risks, remind me of my commitments, and speak to me kindly, gently, patiently, and truthfully.  That sounds like a best friend, who you might grow with as you walk alongside each other, on your way toward your ultimate life goal.

Just for today...

"I have a primary responsibility for myself: to make myself into the best person I can possibly be.  Then, and only then, will I have something worthwhile to share."  Courage to Change (p. 85)

"A grim and furious silence can be more crushing and wounding than harsh words.  Such a silence is motivated by the desire to punish." One Day at a Time (p. 85)

March 17th - "Live and Let Live"

The story...

"Live and let live" is a life giving saying that suggests that we mind our own business and allow others the dignity and respect to live their own lives.  This frees us up from the burdens of "trying" to live out other people's lives - a burden that was never ours to carry.

My house has a deck out back with floodlights mounted under the eaves.  I enjoy working there when the weather's nice - the floodlight is above my head.  In the spring, invariably, a robin will attempt to build a nest above the flood light.  It was my habit to remove the nest, in various stages of build, three or even four times, before they gave up and moved elsewhere.  In 2021, I decided to practice "live and let live" and accommodate the robin.  I moved my "work" chair and endured the momma's chirping as she instinctually protected her chicks.  We even replanned gatherings that'd need the deck space.  Embarrassingly, I bragged about this good deed to all who would listen - "oh... what a proud man I can be."  One day, when the chicks were about ready to leave the nest, I witnessed a barred owl swoop down to the nest and swallow all the chicks.  My emotions ran deep.

What's the moral of the story?  Kill the barred owls!  Please don't, I love 'em.  Two of them are hooting "who cooks for you" as I write.  Do you "live and let live" at the risk of hurt and pain?  For me, I'll continue to "live and let live" but I'm also going to remove even the first twig from that lamp - I know better.  The barred owls in the woods are real.

Would the people of the only church in town be allowed the freedom to live out their own lives with dignity and respect?  I hope the answer is yes. Surely, we all need to be heard and  occasionally helped along our way.  Yet the risk of allowing people the freedom to live out their own lives is worth it.  Who knows what might happen as God works through the people of the only church in town.

Just for today...

"Before anyone else can pick up the ball, I need to be willing to drop it."   Hope for Today (p. 77)

"Difficult situations often bring out qualities in us that otherwise might not have risen to the surface, such as courage, faith, and our need for one another." Courage to Change (p. 77)

March 3rd - Lovingkindness

The story...

Listening to Simply Red's song "Holding back the years" seems to emote feelings that abide deep down inside me.   Those welled up emotions remind me that I'm wonderfully human - a "seeker."  A unique creature who's loved by our Creator in Christ.  I'm built to learn and grow in relationship with other characters who're also journeying through this epic story of life.  

We all know that the years can't really be held back.  Yes, the "saying" is true that the only constant in this life is that there'll be change.  Change can help us grow to be more like...

How does this relate to the only church in town?  I expect that the church will work best when people are allowed to be less guarded and more fully okay with who they actually are.  Maybe, they won't feel the need to fit in with the group by putting on one of those acceptable masks that might be ready and stacked up next to the front door.  It'd be a place where you could be the best version of yourself that's both kind and open to kindness - lovingkindness.

Just for today...

"To me, maturity includes:  

• Accepting love from others, even if I'm having a tough time loving myself . . . 
• Having an opinion without insisting that others share it . . . 
• forgiving myself and others . . . 
• caring for people without having to take care of them . . . 
• accepting that I'll never be finished - I'll always be a work-in-progress."  

Courage to Change (p. 63)

February 23rd - Invite me . . . please

The story...

Years ago, a young energetic man, who was new to our church community, invited me to play volleyball with a group of "our people" at the local beach.  I was part of the larger community for years and was surprised at such an enthusiastic invitation. I don't imagine that I would've attended my first meeting by way of a general community invitation.  The invitation seemed sincere and he seemed to really want me to join them.  What a wonderful summer group activity it was for 3 or 4 years - it ended with a knee problem and the group eventually did move on as most groups do. 

I need to be invited yet may reject the invitation.  How might we invite while minimizing the awkwardness of rejection?  I found this article 10 Ways to To Ask Someone To Hang Out (Without Being Awkward) helpful.

Will people need to be personally invited to engage within the only church in town?  Yes.

Just for today...

"Detachment is essential to any healthy  relationship between people.  Each of us is a free individual, with neither one in control of the other."  One Day at a Time (p. 54)

"Even as a child, I had grown up responsibilities, so it is no wonder that I grew up to be a caretaker.  It seemed so comfortable, so automatic to think of others first and to give myself completely to whatever crisis was at hand without a thought for myself." "I no longer do things for others that they could do for themselves."  Courage to Change (p. 54)

January 20th - Do I unconsciously hurt myself?

The story...

I was driving home from work and saw a boy crash rather badly on the sidewalk.  I felt a strong need to stop and help him yet I didn't.  Strangely, my conscience stung and my inner-man hurt by not coming to the aide of another person who was hurting.  In what other ways might I be unconsciously hurting myself?  

When I obsessively think - I hurt myself.   When I neglect to do or say what's on my heart to another person - I hurt myself.  When I'm so comfortable with what I already know or believe to the point of no longer being curious - I hurt myself.  When I ignore a person who looks my way - I hurt myself.  When I stay in my La-Z-Boy recliner instead of going and doing - I hurt myself.  When I don't listen to understand those who might help my physical or mental health - I hurt myself.  When I develop routines and a schedule that doesn't allow for me to care for others  - I hurt myself.  When I neglect relationships - I hurt myself.  When I ask for seconds on a food serving that'll likely contribute to poorer health - I hurt myself.  When I'm not thankful and content - I hurt myself.  When I don't love me or my neighbor - I hurt myself.  When I'm not quiet and listening within my relationship with God in Christ - I hurt myself.  When I'm not truthful about me - I hurt myself.

So, why do I hurt myself?  It's likely that the cause has something to do with my being a self centered pleasure seeker by nature.  Yes, I hurt myself when I indulge in my self-focus promotion and selfishness.  The only church in town will share God's solution that promises real freedom from the tyrannical leadership of self - they call it the Gospel truth.  

Just for today...

"I cannot hurt others without hurting myself."  One Day at a Time (p. 20)

"Anger is the punishment we give ourselves for someone else’s mistake.”  Unknown

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

January 16th - Doing the right thing according to what's right

The story...

The snow was deep, the temperature was cold, and I counted 18 deer outside my house yesterday - I've seen more.  They seem to be eating many plants that they didn't eat in the past - they're hungry.  They're reaching higher on the bushes and even nibbling on the Myrtle ground cover.  I'm told that the neighbor who fed the deer died within the last year.  The person who told me about her death also shared that the DNR notified her that she had to stop feeding them a few months before she died.  

There are many reasons for not feeding the deer and the DNR was right for enforcing the law; yet, the problem remains.  Years ago, I decided to stop getting angry at deer for eating or people for feeding.  Being angry seems to just leave you angry with damage to your heart both literally and figuratively.  Who wants to be an angry man?  I could nag at the authorities, complain along with my neighbors, shoosh the deer away each time they threaten my landscape...   I don't know what's best for the deer over-population situation and don't plan on developing my own personal opinion that I'll defend against all others.  I expect that I do have a responsibility, as a citizen of my Township, to notify the authorities, learn about the available solutions, and find out what deer control plans are underway.  I plan on meeting with them today.

Our neighborhood deer on a better day

I'm glad I took the time to "Think" about the deer problem today.  The course of action that I've decided upon seems reasonable and right according to the principles that I live by - the type that seems to define us.  The only church in town will live by principles revealed within the Word of God - they were established by the One who created the earth, the cold, the deer, and me too.  I plan on living my life out according to those principles alongside my neighbors within the only church in town.

Just for today...

". . .  when my opinion about another person's business has not been requested, I take the time to "Think" before getting involved."  Courage to Change (p. 16)

December 21st - Being kind and honest with you

The story...

Three nights ago I dreamed that I purchased a new cell phone that was too small.  Two nights ago, I dreamed that I was trying to do a bicep curl, with 25lbs, while sitting in a lazy-boy chair, and wasn't able to lift it up beyond 90 degrees.  I was surprised to see a bundle of really-large blood vessels, protruding from my arm, had snagged something on the floor.  Last night I had multiple dreams of adventure that included my college-aged siblings and a new job in an old building where I'd discovered a new tea that I'd mixed up in a blue Rubbermaid container. 

In my waking hours I'm concerned about changes in the lumbar region of my lower spine - they're affecting my life and the medical system's ability to restore me to my previous physical capability is questionable.  Whatever course my spinal changes lead me, I hope that I remain peacefully grounded in the reality of my situation and that I don't need to look to my subconscious mind to discover what's really going on.  Yes, I will to be honest and humble with my condition as I walk the next part of my life journey.  I've heard we are humblest when we live most closely to the truth.

Is being honest and accepting of my current reality part of being kind to me?  A position of strength and peace where I can see, understand, accept, and continue my journey down the right path to the Celestial City?  Yes, that was a reference to John Bunyan's allegory - Pilgrim's Progress.

Some really good books... I'll have more time and life-space to read.

The only church in town will tend to be an honest, kind, and loving kind of place. People's most important needs will be met as relationships are worked out rightly - first with God and then with each other.  The church will be big enough that people will have opportunities to walk on the path with friends they can relate to, and grow with, in an honest and kind sort of way.

 

Just for today...

"Somewhere in my past I got the message that to think of myself first was wrong, that it was my duty to care for everyone else. As a consequence, I was never ready to take care of myself and so became a burden to those around me . . . In fact, improving myself is the only real action available to me . . . Why should others bother to follow my example if I can't take care of my own affairs? . . . To give advice to others is to intrude; to give advice to myself is to grow."   Courage to Change (p. 356)