September 12th - "I was just trying to help . . . my intentions were good."

The story...

Bill approved my attending an AMA, American Management Association, new manager seminar in Chicago.  I wanted to be and do my best in my new manager role.  What new tools and methods might I learn?  I left the seminar with a small book that included phrases that could be inserted into performance appraisals if you couldn't think of the right message - I don't remember actually using the book yet it felt good to have it on hand.

I wish that a mentor would've noticed my tendency to get into other people's business.  Sure my intentions were good - I wanted to "help" them to be that "better" more "capable" person that I imagined they could be.  When they had personal trouble, I tended to delve into their lives to "better" understand their situation, offer advise, and even to become involved in their work in order to "help" them along.  It seemed that I was hoping for a sort of co-dependent relationship where they valued my part in their "growth."

Thankfully I had a high performing, capable, person reporting to me who was going through a personal situation that was significantly affecting his work.  My efforts to intervene, with good intentions, were not working.  A wiser, and more experienced, manager called me out on my "coddling," intrusive, and "Christian like" intervention.  "You aren't helping him, you're enabling him to stay as he is and fail.  Hold him accountable for the results, be available if he needs support, and get out of his way."   The new approach worked and I changed my "management" style thereafter.  I adopted a pattern of giving each person the dignity; respect; necessary support; and freedom to fulfill their roles, responsibilities, and assignments - it was good, reasonable, more natural, and better results followed.   Some were not successful and moved on to a job or organization that was a better fit.  

I wish I'd have adapted some of those principles within my personal life too.  I eventually did, yet it took years for me to habitually offer most people the dignity and respect to be the unique person that they were without my "good intentioned" interference, "designed by me" to help them be who I thought they "oughta" be.  I was acting like a little god - ugh.

The only church in town would allow people to more honestly live out their lives starting with where they actually are.  Healthy relationships would be available to help them work out their lives alongside other people according to righteous principles and truth. It seems to take people a lotta time to grow - much longer than you'd ever expected.  The only church in town would be a patient, loving, and respectful environment where God's will is witnessed within reality.

Just for today...

"She is getting unconscious satisfaction from managing other people's lives, while she imagines her intentions are only good . . . Heaven protect me from my good friends who, with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, an justify my complaints."  One Day at a Time (p. 256)

"Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, then deciding what we will do about it . . . I will give myself time to accept my situation before I act." Courage to Change (p. 256)

August 24th - "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."

The story...

It's my senior year of high school, I'm sitting with two friends in study hall during the last hour of the day,  I realize that she and he wanted to be together without me - a boundary set up with me on the outside.  It hurt knowing that she chose him and not me.  The study-hall monitor says my name for the attendance check - I say "here," then immediately stand up and walk out of school early.  I gave up and treated that monitor with no respect - forcing her into a situation to either report or forgive my behavior - she didn't report me.

When is too much too much?  Is playing it safe in an unsafe world futile?  What level of dignity and personal rights do we deserve?  Are we all worthy of being loved?  Who judges the value of a human life?  Is it worth the effort to live a good life?  Does anybody know what a good life looks like?  If we could agree on what a good life looks like, is anyone capable of actually living one out?

It pushes me to the edge of angry when I witness people hurt other people in an attempt to "bend" reality to satiate their appetites to be like "little gods."  Little gods don't seem to be satisfied with living out their own fantasy, they want others to acknowledge, accept, and celebrate their illusions of self-grandeur.  A never-ending quest to collect medals, evidence, and the approval they crave.  I assume they're not okay with who they actually are.

Network (1976)

Sure, people will get angry within the only church in town when their personal boundaries are violated. When their needs and wants aren't met for too long.  When they see the ways of the world worked out and flaunted.  When particular people are admired, celebrated, and sought out for approval.  Yet when people are finally broken, give up trying to be good, stop seeking the approval of others, or get mad as hell and decide not to take it anymore; then, the clarity of the "good news," the message of "grace," shines like the brightest light illuminating "what's going on."  Oh that they might witness God's great saving and freeing work in Christ.  Praise God that it's by grace that I rightly stand with God in Christ. 

It was for freedom that Christ set us free (Galatians 5:1).

Just for today...

"I am human and I get angry, but I don't have to act out my anger in destructive ways . . . Whether my usual response is to scream, sulk in cold silence, or lash out with cruel words, today I can look at what I do when I get mad."  Courage to Change (p. 237)

August 9th - "If it's all the same with you..."

The story...

It's never the same with me or with you - we're always different.  As the old saying (idiom) goes, the only things we can be certain of are death and taxes.  It's true that we we'll all live out our lives and our body will die.  Some seem to die early and others suffer late into their 90's yet we all meet a common fate. Then...

Why do many think that it's a reasonable thing to try to fix, manage, and control others in an effort to experience their imagined "best" life?  Does everybody need to behave the way we'd like them to in order for us to be happy?  Can we all be okay with each other without attempting to mold others into our own vision of what's "best?"  Can we be okay with ourselves when others want us to be different - "if it's all the same with you."

The Dream, Capitalism and Virtue Working Together?

The only church in town will offer dignity and respect to everybody who walks through their doors.  They'd proclaim our being God's creatures who're created differently.  He's sovereignly worked out His way throughout the ages - enjoying a relationship with those whose hearts were/are right with Him.  He enjoys, and is a Father to, each person who walks with Him in Christ.  He provided the means for us all to be right with God - loved just as we are. Grace, grace, wonderful grace...

Just for today...

"Can I express myself today, free of expectations of how others will react?"  Hope for Today (p. 222)

"I was too busy trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, afraid people wouldn't accept me  the way I am."  Courage to Change (p. 222)

"There are many good reasons to keep myself from harboring resentful thoughts. They can grow into savage attacks on other human beings . . . emotional scars."  One Day at a Time (p. 222)

July 14th - Do ya really want to react like Quick Draw McGraw?

The story...

I'm standing between the elevators on the sixth floor of Knapp Hall, Murray House, in an angry confrontation with another college student.  There are about a dozen other fellow students watching this play out - it looked like it was about to come to blows.  Strangely, and in a mocking way, I say "I still love you ..."  I was shocked to see his resistance instantly melt with him apologizing for his side of the offense.  I stood there dumbfounded by what just occurred.

Oh... the things that offended me as a child, adolescent, adult and yesterday.  Sometimes I: reacted quickly, paused before reacting, let it stew, tried to ignore it, discredited the sender, imagined it never happened, continually resented, or even privately forgave. Was it possible to show empathy towards the sender?  Might I have ignored the initial sense of unfairness and sought to understand first?  Might this "fire hose" of emotions been a signal of an interpersonal problem that had to be addressed for the relationship to continue or grow?

"Now hold on there!" 1951 - 1962

Surely, there're relationships that can be detrimental to one or both parties and need to be diminished. Yet, even these "breakups" will likely best work out under the umbrella of respect.

The only church in town will be bathed in grace and forgiveness.  Each person makes a reasonable series of choices that leads them to the point of confrontation.  "What's love got to do with it?"  He forgives all sins in Christ and restores relationships with repentant sinners who walk humbly with Him.  There's no better place to be found than in Christ - "I'm with Him!"

Just for today...

"Making amends has helped me to put the past behind me and move on with a clear conscience.  My self-esteem has grown ever since, and I feel much better about myself."  Courage to Change (p. 196)

"Its not easy to restrain ourselves from reacting to what others do that seems to affect us.  A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem."  One Day at a Time (p. 196)

July 5th - Detach with Love and Let'em Live

The story...

I was a manager who assigned an important project to a person who worked for me.  So, I stopped by his office multiple times to check on how well it was going and to offer help.  He later stopped in my office and told me that it bothered him when I checked on his work so much.  It seemed to him, that I was showing that I didn't trust him or his capability to complete the project without my help - my "checkups" made him anxious.

I was surprised by his feedback yet couldn't doubt its authenticity.  I could have disregarded the feedback by discrediting the sender; yet, he was a good man.  Over time, I did change the way I worked with people within my work groups.  Yet, I didn't apply the principle too well to other areas of my life.  I was beginning to learn the value of detachment and to trust others with their own lives - to treat them more fully with dignity and respect.  

Today, I rarely have an opinion regarding what another person should do with their lives.  I enjoy understanding others more and have developed more meaningful and less guarded relationships with others.  It seems that my life is more influential as I walk side-by-side others rather than giving them unwanted advice.  Might unwanted advice be disguised criticism?

Co-dependent or Independents within Community?

Within the only church in town, would others have opinions regarding how I ought to live out my own life?  They can't possibly know my heart or God's will for my life.  They'd know and share what God's revealed regarding Who He is, who we are as His creatures, and how we might humbly and honestly walk with Him.  I hope that the people would be vulnerable and feel safe enough to share the reality of their faith worked out in the actualities of their lives.  Yet, God's timing and His will for each person's life remains hidden until it's worked out between God and each person.  

Why not live and let live?  Can you trust them with their lives?

Just for today...

"... detachment is the freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs. . . I can detach and still love, still feel."  Courage for Change (p. 187)

June 16th - Dignity and Respect Worked Out

The story...

When I assigned my kids a job, like raking the lawn, I assumed that they'd want to learn and follow my best method.  How do you know what a well-groomed yard looks like unless you're told?  I had this compelling  urge to "jump into" the process if it wasn't going the way I thought was best..

Personally, I like to be shown a best way to perform a job and then be left alone to try it for awhile - time to work out my own method.  I do want to know what a "good job" looks like yet it's easy to get information overload - too much information too soon.  I do have a strange sense of satisfaction when I learn a new task/job and cast my eyes on my completed work.  I know that most people don't view or experience work the same way I do yet I expect that most people enjoy that deep-down satisfaction of a job well done.  Self-respect and dignity seem intertwined as we exercise our abilities.

The only church in town will have a variety of opportunities for people to engage in work both as individuals and as groups - a good person-job fit.  I'd hope that they'd experience the love of the Spirit of Christ as they're treated with respect and love along the way.  Might we all agree that relationships are much more important than the trimming of the lawn?

Just for today...

"... if I take over other people's responsibilities, I may rob them of the chance to accomplish something and to feel good about what they've done.  Although I am trying to help, my actions may be communicating a lack of respect for my loved one's abilities.  When I detach with love, I offer support by freeing those I care about to experience both their satisfactions and disappointments."  Courage to Change (p. 168)

April 21st - Opinions

The story...

"In my opinion, this is right because of A, B, and C; therefore, I'm right until you prove me wrong." There were at least a dozen different possible interpretations.  Some were more likely than others; yet, only one was true.

Opinions may be likened to barbed wire fences.  We may erect them to keep out the wrong people and the contaminating ideas that go along with them.  In reality, the fences can keep us isolated, narrow minded, stunted and "pricked" each time we bounce into them.

Many of the issues that Christians have with other Christians are related to opinions rather than scriptural or scientific facts.  Christianity and grace seem to go against the natural order of life that I've experienced.  I don't expect that I'd have searched or reasoned out truths about God without them being revealed in scripture.  The things that Jesus is quoted as having said seemed surprising to the people of their day and to me too.  Truly, God's ways are not my ways nor His thoughts my thoughts.

The fundamentals of Christianity are wonderful, operational, and freeing.  The only church in town would focus on working out the essentials while loving and respecting each individual member.

Just for today...

"My intolerance was rooted in two of my main character defects - fear and insecurity.  My opinions were inseparable from my self-image.  If my opinions were wrong, I was wrong.  If my philosophy wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough."  Hope for Today (p. 112)

"With this solid foundation of love and support, our individual differences can only make us richer as a whole."  Courage to Change (p. 112)

March 15th - I'm OK, You're OK

The story...

In 1967, psychiatrist Thomas Anthony Harris published the book "I'm Okay - You're Okay."  It was a bestseller in the early 1970s.  It introduced the idea that a person's psychological state can shift situationally.  The three states were easy to understand and remember: Parent, Child and Adult.  Parent is like a mix of all that you heard and saw parents and adults do and say when you were a child.  Adult is that more independent person who has adapted to, and developed some control over, their environment.  This was a helpful model for me.  For example, many parents want to work out an adult-adult relationship with their adult children.

What does a good adult-to-adult relationship look like in the only church in town?  Would all the people be valued and treated with dignity and respect - treated as equals?  This seems to be justified by the USA's Declaration of Independence (1776):

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness"

I suppose that the problems are with those persons that do NOT behave, look, think or believe what we or I do - the exceptions.  How do I relate to adults who are different from me?  Personally, I think we can go a long way by beginning every relationship with one word in mind - RESPECT.

What season of life might the child best be related to as an adult in the only church in town?  Jewish boys and girls receive their Bar or Bat Mitzvah at the age of 12.  There seems to be many advantages of treating a teenager as an adult.  Their teenage season of life might be a time to practice giving and receiving adult-to-adult interactions.  If the alternative Parent-Child relationship stays in place, the rebels rebel and the passive are left to be led along like by a ring in their nose - these are the extremes yet often ring true.  I expect that being treated like, and behaving like, an adult would be a good place to come from when learning about who I am, where I'm going, and how to get there.  Yes, that was a definition of wisdom worked into that last sentence.

Just for today...

"I came to see how, as a child, I had played a role in creating the dynamics of my family. Not knowing how to manage uncomfortable feelings, I tried to stuff them deep down inside, but they didn't go away. Instead, they led me to behave in ways that perpetuated the feelings."  Hope for Today (p. 73)

"When I behave self-righteously, I'm the one who suffers - I separate myself from my fellow human beings, focus on others, and keep busy with hateful and negative thoughts."  Courage to Change (p. 73)

January 30th - Stinking Thinking

The story...

About twenty years ago, my assigned Human Resources representative and I were discussing ongoing problems within my work group that she characterized and labeled as "stinking thinking."  Then she said something like: "They need a leader to help them: remember past successes and celebrate new ones, know they're capable; feel valued; serve each other; view problems as opportunities; test new ways often; learn alongside others habitually; respect each other... - then they'll engage and be the best version of themselves together.  As their manager and leader, what's your part in making this happen?"

What did I do differently?  Focused on demonstrating RESPECT for all work group members in word and deed.  Played together more often - a Friday afternoon paint-ball session helped build teamwork.  Learned more about each group member and what/who was important to them.  We solved interpersonal disputes quickly in more sustainable ways - they knew that they'd be working it out in my office, and even bring in H.R. help, if they didn't work it out together.  There were many positive changes that we made together; yet, much of the change started with me being a better leader and manger.

Yes, there was some stinking thinking going on within me that was strangely reflected within the group's interactions, behaviors, and performance together.  I started with "me" rather than attempting to craft plans to fix the problems that I could identify with "them."  The resulting changes in what we did, and who we were, were worthy of the transformation investment.  I became a better leader, manager, and person as a result of the growing that we worked out together - in community.

The only church in town will easily find fault within each other as they worship, praise, learn, grow, and serve together.  Real change and growth will occur when they internalize the value of the slogan "let the change begin with me."  The gospel will offer the opportunity for each person to be a new creature in Christ - the intended version of you.  Then each person, and the group as a whole, can be free "in deed." (Galatians 5:1).

Just for today...

"I watched, monitored, controlled, and exercised my need to feel hurt. I felt self-pity, embarrassment, superiority, resentment, and anger.  All of these took obsessive turns filling my mind and heart. I wondered why I indulged in these draining  behaviors and emotions, which only resulted in further misery for me."  Hope for Today (p. 30)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."  1 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

November 15th - Love and respect requires cycles of restoration

The story...

I watched the Netflix series about the book Anne of Green Gables.  The book's a classic for a reason - the story teaches us much about life. The protagonist, Anne, writes and prints an article for her school newspaper about justice and fairness.  She tries to make amends with a girl who takes offense with the article - it damaged her reputation.  The girl cuttingly says something like: "How could a person of a trashy upbringing like you know anything about fairness and justice?"  Anne thoughtfully and respectfully responded that she was the same person now as she was then.  She was worthy of love then and now - she always knew she deserved love but didn't experience it.

"Ann with an 'E'" - Netflix series/

The only church in town will practice love and respect according to the grace and mercy that God the Father so freely gives us in the Lord Jesus the Christ - by faith.  Every man, woman, and child will experience love and respect.  Sadly, church discipline's needed when self-centered people hurt each other.  The discipline will be thoughtfully delivered along with love and respect - the aim will be to practice justice and fairness.  Cycles of forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration will be ongoing as, people who tend to be selfish, walk together towards the same destination.  The congregates will be thankful that God loves them, His creatures, and sustains them with grace, mercy, love and forgiveness.

Just for today...

"I realized that the look, tone, or mood of another person toward me often has nothing to do with me . . . my extreme sensitivity is a form of conceit - I think I am the focus of everyone's actions. Am I so important that everything that goes on around me must have something to do with me? . . . what other people did and said reflected on them; what I did and said reflected on me."  Courage to Change (p. 320)

"It's not men's acts which disturb us - but our reaction to them. Take these away and anger goes. No wrong act of another can bring shame on you."  Marcus Aurelius

"When I feel a call for service, I pray for knowledge of God's will for me to make sure it's not just me wanting to manipulate, control, or avoid something going on in my life."  Hope for Today (p. 320)

November 9th - Why not ask?

The story...

I didn't get what I wanted and needed because I didn't ask?  Could it be?  Yes it be.

Why not kindly and respectfully ask for what you need or want?  In many cases justification isn't necessary.  Others can express love through meeting your needs if they know what they are.  And, they might reveal their own needs in kind.

The only church in town will be like an honest and thankful family that sees others by the light of God's revealed word.  They'll express love by caring for each other - that means they'll receive love and accept care too.  That love within their inner-person, their heart, will be expressed within an intimate relationship with their Creator - their Sustainer.  That's the kinda graceful place that I wanna live.

Just for today...

"I tried to make them feel guilty by telling them how much I had done for them, or I complained that they never did their part. It never occurred to me that I could simply and politely ask for what I wanted . . . Today I am creating a better way of living, free of guilt and deception."  Courage to Change (p. 314)

"I seldom knew what was good for me, yet I knew what was best for others and didn't hesitate to tell them . . . I feared other people's anger and would do anything to avoid it, yet I was oblivious to my own . . . I can no longer harbor resentment and remain ignorant of my part in creating it . . . My entire life was transformed as a result of taking responsibility for myself, becoming willing to change, and taking action."  Hope for Today (p. 314)

November 6th - Being respectful within community

The story...

If they all jumped off a bridge - would you jump off too?  It's a frustrating truth that people often adapt to the group - try to fit in.   The Asch Conformity experiment confirms this frustrating behavior often exhibited by us humans.  Maybe that's partly why this is one of my favorite jokes - trying to fit in with the group...

Three construction guys are sittin on an I-beam, on top of a tall building project - they're eating their lunch. 
The Italian says: “If I get another pastrami sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building.”
The other two guys stare at him for awhile and return to their lunches.

The guy from Ohio says: "If I get another egg-salad sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump of this building." The other two guys stare at him for a while and return to their lunches.

The guy from California hesitates, pauses, and says: "If I get another peanut-butter sandwich tomorrow, then . . . I'm going to jump off this building tomorrow too."

The next day the Italian opens up his lunch  box and disgustingly sees the pastrami, he yells "Mamma Mia!," stands up, and jumps to his death.  The other two guys can't believe what's just happened.

The Ohioan opens his box, sees the egg-salad sandwich - he immediately jumps off to his demise too. 

The Californian is now alone, he slowly opens his box to see the peanut-butter sandwich.  He stands up and jumps over the edge like the other two guys.

Three days later at their funerals, the Italian's wife says “I thought he like those pastrami sandwiches - if he only would have told me.”  The Ohioan's wife says “It is all my fault. I thought he loved egg-salad.”  The Californian's wife says “I just don’t get it, he made his own lunches.”

Wikipedia

The only church in town will guard against the perils of group think.  What a sad state it is when people pretend to be somebody they aren't or claim to believe something that isn't real to them.  Sure kids are going to want to please their parents.  But, it's especially sad when adults try to please the pastor or those people who are the "Ins."  People will have the freedom to be honest in the respectful environment of the only church in town.

Just for today...

"Boundaries . . . aren't rules I can enforce on others. They are standards of conduct I set for my own benefit . . .  boundaries are a civilizing ingredient in social interaction, a matter of self-respect and respect for others."  Hope for Today (p. 311)

November 2nd - Offering, those you're with, your best

The story...

What an odd thing to want the best from others when we aren't willing to be that "good" person ourselves.  Worse yet, what a strange thing to want other people around us to behave according to a "best" standard that we haven't yet defined.

What do I want from those around me?  A listening and understanding ear, respect for all, loving themself and their neighbor, honesty, curiosity, eye for beauty, willingness to learn new things, participate in and support community, courage throughout each day, an optimistic view of eternity grounded in reality, sharing with those in need, and a faith that God loves us and will do good for us within His will?

What if those in our groups took the Boy Scout Oath?  "On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight."

How about the Girl Scout Law?  "I will do my best to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and responsible for what I say and do, and to respect myself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, make the world a better place, and be a sister to every Girl Scout."

Goodness, rooted in a good heart, is infectious and if it starts within each of us then we'll likely all enjoy a better life - "Let it Start with Me."

The only church in town will work out their lives together according to the revealed Word of God.  It will be a reverent place of relationships - me with God in Christ, me with me, me with you, and you with you. 

Just for today...

"I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand as in what direction we are moving." Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809 - 94)

"I will not reserve my deference and respect for outsiders whom I want to please or my pleasant expressions for those I want to impress. The people I live with are worthy of my best behavior..."  One Day at a Time (p. 307)

October 21st - Interfering to keep things as they ought to be?

The story...

Winning a competitive game, by a significant margin, doesn't fit who I am.  I'd prefer to play a close game with an exciting finish - each person finishing in a positive state or condition.  My preference might be something that I would want to share with others - should I?

Bill Shankly's quote for competitive games - not so good in real life?

When are parent's expected to stop interfering through unwanted advice given to their kids?  Should they first receive requests or permission from their teenagers?  Sure there're necessary safety and household rules; but, when do attempts to positively influence become destructive interference?

Why not offer young adults, at every season of life, the dignity and respect to work out their own lives?  We can still help each other by developing strong relationships that provide a safe space to walk side-by-side through life - helping and sharing as needed and requested.

The only church in town will be a place to meet and grow together.  Honest, humble, and respectful relationships built around the revealed Word of God.

Just for today...

"We brought many troubles on ourselves by interfering . . . Am I fearful, picturing with dread what the future will bring? I will let go and let God, and live only of this one day."  One Day at a Time (p. 295)

"I was taught that if I did what I was told without question, I would be safer and happier. In my family, obedience meant following a strict, straight line."  Hope for Today (p. 295)