October 26th - Did I criticize the pastor to deflect self-criticism?

The story...

On the way home from church, the conversation often focused on the pastor and the sermon they just delivered.  Rather than focusing on what may have been true about me, my faith, my heart, and my life; I often, not to subtly, criticized the pastor's message, the pastor, or other people within the church.  Sure, my criticism might have been tactfully disguised as an opinion; but, the intent was likely to feel better about myself by criticizing others. 

Maybe these sermons upset my vision of who I was, what I was doing, and where I was going.  Maybe I was imaging a reality that was skewed and in need of change?  Now, I believe that I was deflecting, denying, and delaying.  Then, I was protecting myself and the status quo.  A condition that included unresolved rejection, shame, guilt, hurt...

The only church in town will preach the Word of God in reality.  People will not be pleased when their selfish attempts to control their life don't look so good in the Light of God's revealed Word.  There's going to be turmoil both before and after the transformational work of the gospel believed.  Yet, this is the place where that rejection, shame, guilt, and hurt can be left at the foot of the cross - there's forgiveness and redemption there.  The joy of a good heart walking honestly and humbly with the Lord their God.

Just for today...

"For a few minutes I felt better about myself - but not for long and only at other people's expense. Gossip never enriched anyone's character. It was only an excuse to avoid focusing on myself . . . When I feel good about myself, it's much easier not to take insults personally."  Courage to Change (p. 300)

"Some folks worry and putter, 

Push and shove,

Hunting little molehills,

To make big mountains of."

One Day at a Time (p. 300) 

October 25th - It's going to be what it's going to be - let it go

The story...

A wise boss once told me to focus on the 20% of the stuff that's within my control, or that I can strongly influence, to get the best results - the essentials.  Let the random variables bounce around within limits and trust our capable people to address the minor issues as they arise.   Our competitors can waste their time focused on the trivial and wear themselves out trying to control the uncontrollable - "We'll eat their lunch."

Steven Covey developed a useful model of three concentric circles that illustrates how we might best classify issues within our mind.  The innermost circle contains issues that are within our control - it's small.  The next bigger circle contains the issues that we can influence - it's bigger.  The next bigger circle are those issues that we are concerned about yet we can't influence or control.

Circles of: Concern, Influence, and Control

Stephen Covey idea

The only church in town will focus on the essentials for growing each person and the group too.  They'll speak to concerns outside their influence and control yet they won't stay there.  They'll trust the power of God to work out His will in those matters - He's fully capable and trustworthy of managing His creation.  His circles have no boundaries.

Just for today...

"One of my defects of character is to make choices passively - letting things happen rather than taking action."   Courage to Change (p. 299)

"... weather was one of the many things completely out of my control.  This perception relieved me of responsibility for the weather, sunny or cloudy, and reminded me of the many things in life over which I have no control. I can only let go and let them be."   Hope for Today (p. 299)

September 27th - The virus wasn't worth fretting over

The story...

The virus symptoms lasted for 2.5 weeks.  Since it persisted past the two-week limit, I decided to call my primary-care doctor.  He likely wouldn't be able to identify the virus - he might've prescribed an anti-viral drug to boost my immune system.  Since I had only a basic understanding of immune systems, I listened to three related YouTube introductory videos.  I learned principals that helped me appreciate my body even more and to identify some of my behaviors and misunderstandings that may have hindered me.

He listened to my symptoms and physically inspected me - an intern with him also repeated some of the checks.  He asked for two blood samples to both check my immune system and to search for wasted muscle - he'd an idea of what it might be yet didn't tell me.  My blood was drawn at 3:30pm 9/01/2023.

Four days later, I was hoping to get the blood test results.  These data were to help my doctor prescribe a course of action to better my body and the life I live through it.  I speculated much over those three days -  I knew in part yet I'd likely know more in a few hours.

The virus continued on, I visited my primary physician once again and he asked for more blood tests.  The specific virus was never really known - the symptoms faded a way over a few weeks.

Suffering will be found in the only church in town yet, it won't be their focus.  They'll focus on the truth of God's good news and the blessings that're found by living out each day in the "Light" of day.

Just for today...

"If my life has become unmanageable, how can I get control of it? Am I being forced into doing things I don't want to do, like losing my temper, contriving, conniving and scheming to make things work out the way I want them?"  One Day at a Time (p. 271)

"If thou canst not make thyself such a one as thou wouldst, how canst thou expect to have another according to thy liking?"  Thomas Kempis - The Imitation of Christ

"If I knew what was coming, I suspect that I would spend all my time trying to run from painful experiences instead of living. I would miss out on so much great stuff." Courage to Change (p. 271)

September 12th - "I was just trying to help . . . my intentions were good."

The story...

Bill approved my attending an AMA, American Management Association, new manager seminar in Chicago.  I wanted to be and do my best in my new manager role.  What new tools and methods might I learn?  I left the seminar with a small book that included phrases that could be inserted into performance appraisals if you couldn't think of the right message - I don't remember actually using the book yet it felt good to have it on hand.

I wish that a mentor would've noticed my tendency to get into other people's business.  Sure my intentions were good - I wanted to "help" them to be that "better" more "capable" person that I imagined they could be.  When they had personal trouble, I tended to delve into their lives to "better" understand their situation, offer advise, and even to become involved in their work in order to "help" them along.  It seemed that I was hoping for a sort of co-dependent relationship where they valued my part in their "growth."

Thankfully I had a high performing, capable, person reporting to me who was going through a personal situation that was significantly affecting his work.  My efforts to intervene, with good intentions, were not working.  A wiser, and more experienced, manager called me out on my "coddling," intrusive, and "Christian like" intervention.  "You aren't helping him, you're enabling him to stay as he is and fail.  Hold him accountable for the results, be available if he needs support, and get out of his way."   The new approach worked and I changed my "management" style thereafter.  I adopted a pattern of giving each person the dignity; respect; necessary support; and freedom to fulfill their roles, responsibilities, and assignments - it was good, reasonable, more natural, and better results followed.   Some were not successful and moved on to a job or organization that was a better fit.  

I wish I'd have adapted some of those principles within my personal life too.  I eventually did, yet it took years for me to habitually offer most people the dignity and respect to be the unique person that they were without my "good intentioned" interference, "designed by me" to help them be who I thought they "oughta" be.  I was acting like a little god - ugh.

The only church in town would allow people to more honestly live out their lives starting with where they actually are.  Healthy relationships would be available to help them work out their lives alongside other people according to righteous principles and truth. It seems to take people a lotta time to grow - much longer than you'd ever expected.  The only church in town would be a patient, loving, and respectful environment where God's will is witnessed within reality.

Just for today...

"She is getting unconscious satisfaction from managing other people's lives, while she imagines her intentions are only good . . . Heaven protect me from my good friends who, with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, an justify my complaints."  One Day at a Time (p. 256)

"Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, then deciding what we will do about it . . . I will give myself time to accept my situation before I act." Courage to Change (p. 256)

September 4th - Do I worry to control the uncontrollable?

The story...

What if we had one day per week where we didn't plan anything?   We could pray, listen, exercise, rest, care for ourselves and others, and enjoy relationships.  How about being flexible with our schedules, resisting engaging in other's business, and living a more joyful, peaceful and hope-filled day?

Some of you might be thinking: "I'd like to be like that yet it's impossible - the other people in my life don't behave like that."  Might a more fruitful life spill over into their lives too and be a sort of engine drawing others towards the good stuff of life?

How might we better respond when we feel a need to be more okay by controlling our environment or interactions among other people?   Developing, sharing, or arguing, opinions is an alternative yet likely won't get us where we want to go.

The only church in town will communicate God's revealed truth - God has a will for creation and for you and me too.  You'll hear there that He will work out His will with me or without me.  Yet, He enjoys me and His creation and has good news for all humanity.  His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ, has paid our debt for the trespasses that kept us apart from out Creator.  A life walking with Him is much better than the losing battle of  trying to glorify and protect ourselves.   We can be brought close to Him through faith and trust through the great redeeming work of His Son.  Wow, I can only inadequately imagine what eternity will be like with God.

Just for today...

"I was surprised to find myself still grabbing for old fears as if I wanted to remain in crisis. I realized that I didn't know how to feel safe unless I was mentally busy. When I worried, I felt involved - and therefore somewhat in control."  Courage to Change (p. 248)

"Some of us, after long enduring misfortunes we didn't know how to cope with, reached a breaking point. In our hopelessness we even felt rejected by God, so we never thought of turning to Him for help."  One Day at a Time (p. 248)

"Do you take note when others are sick and offer them the same attention you crave? . . . Let it begin with me."  Hope for Today (p. 248)

August 19th - Hang onto relationships loosely

The story...

It's best to hold a tennis racket and handlebars loosely - gripping too tightly over corrects and can take us where we don't wanna go quickly.  My first rides on my KLR in deep sand were out of control and scary.  What I learned about riding motorcycles in deep sand seems to apply to life too.

• Don't sit down - stay balanced on your feet
• Relax your mind and your body will follow - fight the urge to grip too hard
• Do your steering through your feet weighting the pegs.
• Maintain momentum - consistent throttle control
• When done right, it's like a dance - joyful.

If I look back twenty years, most of the people, places and things have changed.  They'd have changed no matter how hard I tried to keep them the way that I thought was best.   If I wouldn't have been open to new people, places, things, and ideas - I would've missed out on much of the joy of life.

I'm learning to hold onto relationships less tightly - they change and are best when they are freely offered and accepted.  Sometimes what I thought I wanted was not what they could actually give or accept. "Stay balanced and let them be."  They may choose to dance a similar dance as you yet not with you - that's okay.  Let them live their own life and enjoy the few close dance partners that you do have - be willing to let them go and be open to new ones too.

The only church in town will be a good place to develop life-giving relationships.  Hopefully, the relationships will be characterized as freely offered, graceful, forgiving, and changing too.  Your relationship with God through faith in Christ is obviously the most important.  He's the foundation for the best relationships - those dances that're part of a joyful life lived out in ever-changing circumstances.

Just for today...

Worrying is using your imagination to create a future you don't want.

August 3rd - Offer Dignity and Respect

The story..

Being the fourth child of the family, with a rebellious spirit, I tended to reject my parents', well intentioned, efforts to control my life.  When faced with resistance, my parents gave me enough "slack" to work out my own way in life.  I learned some of the things that they tried to teach me by experiencing the consequences of my behavior.  I modified, adapted, rolled with the punches, and eventually trusted God's Word regarding who I was and might be in actuality.

I tried to teach my kids what I'd learned so that they might avoid some of the struggles and pain that I went through - I certainly didn't want them to miss out on the freedoms that I valued.  Our parenting methods were a subtle version of  fix, manage, and control - they didn't result in the type of fruit we expected right away - they seemed to rebel too.  I expect that each person does need to be allowed the dignity and respect to work out their own lives. 

The only church in town would know that only God's Will is best.  Thank goodness He did reveal directly, and through prophets, what we do need to know to live a good life within the Will of God.  Congregates would be able to see the fruit of the Spirit of God worked out in other people's lives and witness fruit born within their own lives too.  The only church in town would be a respite from the comings-and-goings of this world - a place to rest in the reality of God's Will.

Just for today...

"My happiness cannot possibly depend on my forcing changes in somebody else. Nor does my misery come from anyone but myself."  One Day at a Time (p. 216)

"... I don't accept my mother as she is either! I want her to embrace my way of thinking, start saying no to people, and not to get so upset about unimportant issues. Basically I want her to think as I do . . . self-righteousness, arrogance, and control."  Hope for Today (p. 216)

"I am able to face the reality of the past, not to place blame or wallow in self-pity but to learn from it." Courage to Change (p. 216)

"Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him."  Aldous Huxley

July 24th - My will isn't God's will yet God created me with a will.

The story...

This Friday's trip to Ludington State Park, on on my new yellow-KLR motorcycle, was wonderful.  I rode a new route and saw things that I'd previously ignored.  It seems I was often rushing in a quest to either get to a better place or to rush home as quickly as possible. 

Wow! Ludington Pumped Storage Plant

The weather was good, the people were friendly, the waitress was extra helpful, and the state park looked just like I left it - there were nice improvements.  Yet, the highlight of my trip plan was to cast a yellow-red Daredevil spoon off of the Lake Hamlin sand dunes - I imagined catching that Northern Pike. I planned for it, willed it, hiked there, had the stuff, and even the weather to make it happen. Yes, I was attempting to "bend" reality according to my will.  To my dismay, the area had too many boats and my secondary fishing site had two people wading in the bay!  My imagined reality wasn't going to happen.

I prayed a short prayer of thankfulness and remembered that God's will wasn't my will  Obviously, He has a different and righter plan than I could imagine.  So, I walked back to the parking lot with maybe five casts - silver, #3 Mepps spinner, no buck tail - along the way.  I sat down on a bench and closed my eyes for a few minutes.  The scene was comfortable, peaceful, and the sounds of the kids playing at the beach were joyful.  I gathered myself, picked up my rod, and sauntered along the shoreline to the dam.  There was an old man fishing below the dam who shared that he had no luck.  He wished me the best and on my third cast I caught the Pike I had hoped for - it was a joyful experience.

I do wear a big shoe...

There were always reasons for doing what I've done in my life.  I've made a series of reasonable choices, within the confines of my environment(s) and capabilities, to end up here.  Good situations sometimes resulted in increasing pride and smugness that led to downfalls while trials often resulted in a better, more capable, and thankful, me.  I'm thankful for everything about my life thus far.

God made us with a will to work out our life yet He intervenes through His sovereign will as He wishes.  We can ignore Him and reap the consequences of a self-willed life, trying to bend reality, or trust Him and experience increasing heart-felt joy and peace.  How could our will ever come close to the will of God for our lives?

The only church in town would share God's revealed truth for both eternity and this life too.  They'd share scripture like 1 Corinthians 15 so that people might hear and believe in God's provision for us, His creatures.  What an awesome wonder to be able to humbly and rightly walk with God in Christ. 

Just for today...

"At that moment of smug self-righteousness, God decided to send me a spiritual awakening. He told me that perhaps they understood more about Him than I did.  After all, they were the ones who were happy and free, filled with peace. Perhaps I could learn something from them if I opened my mind enough to listen and opened my heart enough to risk getting involved..."  Hope for Today (p. 206)

July 6th - Do you fear letting God lead?

The story...

Two men walk into a room and find a huge pile of dung in the middle of the room.  The first guy frowns and says "this is awful, who did this, and who's going to clean it up?"   The second guy's smiling and says "there must be a pony in here somewhere."

I think that I'm generally optimistic and recognize that what appears to be bad often has an unexpected upside.  Yet, some people grew up in situations where "bad" stuff was the norm and their life was marked with fear, distrust, and the need to fix, manage, and control other people and most situations.

It seems right for people to want to fix, manage, and control their lives in order to increase the likelihood of a "best" possible outcome.  Yet, people in the only church in town will hear about trusting God.  It seems scary to be out of control.  What would a life surrendered to God look like?  Might it be like a coordinated ballroom dance where God is the lead?  You can imagine what an out-of-synch dance looks like when both try to lead.  Wouldn't it be nice to rest and let God do the leading? 

The only church in town would be more peaceful than fearful.  Those who try to fix, manage, and control their lives, and others too, might witness the life dance of some who trust God to lead.  People who grew in the actualities of trusting and walking humbly with God together.  He is trustworthy.

Just for today...

"Disappointments growing up with . . . fueled my expectations that bad things would always happen.  I came to expect the worst, leading to a deep fear that permeated my will and my life."  Hope for Today (p. 188)

"Today I seek to be an instrument of the peace of God.  I know that it is the most loving and generous commitment I can possibly make - to myself."  Courage to Change (p. 188)

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give." John 14:27 NLT

July 5th - Detach with Love and Let'em Live

The story...

I was a manager who assigned an important project to a person who worked for me.  So, I stopped by his office multiple times to check on how well it was going and to offer help.  He later stopped in my office and told me that it bothered him when I checked on his work so much.  It seemed to him, that I was showing that I didn't trust him or his capability to complete the project without my help - my "checkups" made him anxious.

I was surprised by his feedback yet couldn't doubt its authenticity.  I could have disregarded the feedback by discrediting the sender; yet, he was a good man.  Over time, I did change the way I worked with people within my work groups.  Yet, I didn't apply the principle too well to other areas of my life.  I was beginning to learn the value of detachment and to trust others with their own lives - to treat them more fully with dignity and respect.  

Today, I rarely have an opinion regarding what another person should do with their lives.  I enjoy understanding others more and have developed more meaningful and less guarded relationships with others.  It seems that my life is more influential as I walk side-by-side others rather than giving them unwanted advice.  Might unwanted advice be disguised criticism?

Co-dependent or Independents within Community?

Within the only church in town, would others have opinions regarding how I ought to live out my own life?  They can't possibly know my heart or God's will for my life.  They'd know and share what God's revealed regarding Who He is, who we are as His creatures, and how we might humbly and honestly walk with Him.  I hope that the people would be vulnerable and feel safe enough to share the reality of their faith worked out in the actualities of their lives.  Yet, God's timing and His will for each person's life remains hidden until it's worked out between God and each person.  

Why not live and let live?  Can you trust them with their lives?

Just for today...

"... detachment is the freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs. . . I can detach and still love, still feel."  Courage for Change (p. 187)

June 15th - Seek first to understand and relate to others

The story...

I arrived late to my son's baseball game and merged into the crowd to see my son walking up to the plate.  I yell out some "remember to..." encouragement and he turns in my direction and asks "what did you say?"  The audience looks at me and I sat embarrassed.  I knew then that my behavior was wrong and didn't forget the incident.  It helped me see a problem but didn't reveal the cause. 

Old home plate in our back yard

Much of my life has been spent repeatedly attempting to convey and convince others of my better understanding on any topic of interest to me.  I may've justified this demeaning behavior as a means for "helping" others and refining my thoughts by testing and defending them.  In reality, I inhibited relationships, other people's growth, and my own growth too.  Most importantly, the behavior restrained important relationships.

For me, a better way has been to work out a sincere interest in people as they are and where they are.  It's strange that it would be a surprise to me that people whom I take a sincere interest in seem to become sincerely interested in me too. Close friendships are now part of my definition of the "good" life - I don't want to work my way through life without them.

The only church in town will likely have a preacher who will frequently speak to the full congregation.  I hope that the messages would be centered around who we are in Christ and less about what we should, or oughta, be thinking or doing.

Just for today...

"What are the attitudes and behaviors that may have served me (or at least gave the illusion of serving me) in the past but now limit my capacity to experience joy and fulfillment?  What are the resentments that keep me in bondage to the past?"  Hope for Today (p. 167)

"I will not add to the problem by using cruel, clever words to humiliate a fellow human being. In doing so, I would be shaming myself."  Courage to Change (p. 167)

June 13th - Love 'em Just the Way They Are or Control 'em?

The story...

As a boy, I learned how to conform to the norms of the family, friends, classroom and the church.  When I was rejected by the teacher, peer groups, family members, or "that girl," then I adapted, rolled with punches, and even crafted my own role to "act" out.  As an adolescent, I often rebelled against the system.

I played the cornet in the band throughout middle school and high school.  This was the group that I best identified with.  However, I "pushed back" against the control that was exercised by the band director.  I refused to participate in any performance challenges during my Junior year.  I merely picked up my horn case and moved down to the lower seat.  This only worked out because the best trumpet player also joined me.  The director solved the problem by putting us in a trumpet section - we actually played more of the melody together.  

Controlling to the Extreme

The band director asked that I record my practice hours on a card during my senior year.  He let me know that it was for my benefit and did not require a parent signature.  I took it home and entered two weeks of zeros.  I asked my mom and dad to both sign the practice card - they did.  The band director looked at the signed practice sheet and said: "It appears that this isn't going to work with you."

I worked as a drug-store delivery boy and was assigned to work a Friday evening and would need to miss the football game.  The director would not accept my excuse and told me that he better see me in the band formation prior to the game.  I went to work anyway and drove the delivery car through the band formation while waving at the director.  I earned a "D" in band my senior year.

During my Senior year of college I brought two of my friends to my home town and actually took them on a tour of my High School.  The band director saw me as I was making moves to avoid him.  I was shocked at how respectfully he treated me and my friends.  I'm so thankful for that man and how he worked to shape that rebellious spirit in me. He wasn't the last person to reach out to help me.

The people in the only church in town will be wonderfully created to be unique and more complete as a group.  Strangely people are drawn to adapt their behavior, or role play, in order to fit the group's expectations of who they should be.  Hopefully, the only church in town would love 'em as they are and offer them a path to grow their faith in their own way and at their own pace.  I'm so thankful that the Patriarchs of the bible were often rebels who God loved and redeemed.

Just for today...

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."  Thomas Merton:  No Man is an Island.

June 6th - I Make Mistakes - That's Good to Know

The story...

Recently, I rearranged and exchanged objects within both my garage and a room in the basement.  Within a week, I hit my forehead on a shelf in each place.  Both blows to my head hurt at impact, the painful feelings lingered for hours, they bled, and a scab was left over each.  Hopefully, this won't happen again - I cut and sanded the corner on one shelf and taped a piece of foam over the corner of the other. 

The sharp corner is now more friendly

It's hard to ignore my limitations when confronted with the "biophysical" feedback.  I could blame my mishaps on other people; but, in both instances, I rearranged both places and I rushed to grab both objects within my new setup.  I could ignore or hide the scabs and pretend the incidents didn't happen - keep it a secret.  Or, I could accept that I'm capable of making mistakes yet have good qualities too.

I chose to make a more honest assessment of my strengths, weaknesses, and current situation.  I expect that living in reality is part of loving myself unconditionally.  Accepting my reality and my limitations feels good and right.  Strangely my more humble acceptance seems to open my eyes and heart to more fully love my neighbors too.  Is humility an honest appreciation of my whole self - each part?

I expect that the only church in town would want to treat each others as neighbors.  Loving each other just the way they are.  Why?  Because they'd hear, read, and witness the love of God worked out through other limited creatures like themselves - with God gracefully doing the heavy-lifting - wow!

Just for today...

"When something upsetting happens, old memories of previous hurts often come back to haunt me.  This makes it difficult to stay in the present and I start living simultaneously in the past and future.  The outcomes of the past get projected onto present and future situations."   Hope for Today (p. 158)

"I am a human being with strengths and weaknesses, capable of achievements and mistakes.  Because I accept this, I can look closely at myself.  Today I will find something to appreciate and something to improve."  Courage to Change (p. 158)

June 4th - But I was beginning to win under the old rules...

The story...

"The times are changing.  It's becoming real bad like God said it will be before He comes back to discipline and restore. Can't you see what's happening?  Are you just going to stand around and do nothing?"  I've heard different variations of this story throughout my life.  People afraid of a future where other people will connive to change the rules of the the game of life in their favor.  The status quo wants to keep the "rule set" that governed their life - just when it looked like they might win in the game of life, bad people want to change the rules.

The Game of Life

I know God is the creator and I'm the creature.  I know in part and God knows all. 

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord."  Isaiah 55:8-9 (NASB).

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us..." Deuteronomy 29:29 (NASB).

Is it reasonable that living within the will of our Creator and Sustainer is best?  Is His will knowable?  If so, what should I do today?  What will I do today?  What's the difference between the two?

Today I plan to:

• act faithfully to fulfill my commitments
• read part of God's revealed Word
• praise God and be receptive in prayer
• love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and strength
• love me in Christ and my neighbor as myself
• step forward and trust God with the results
• be thankful

The only church in town will have people who fear more than trust in God and His Word.  The Spirit of Christ bearing fruit through His people will compel old-sinful selves to give up their struggle and trust God's revealed truth.  Yet, their selfish old nature will compel them to reject this wonderful new reality and the different set of principles and rules that go with it.  The old master of their life is tough but they've adapted to him - this new life seems real good yet doesn't seem doable or sustainable - yes, it would take the power of God to live a life like that.

Just for today...

"If I were to pray: "My will be done," wouldn't it be exactly what I am saying when I ask God to do what I want?"  One Day at a Time (p. 156)

"I used to think I always had to do something and that waiting was a waste of time.  Now I know God speaks to me while I'm waiting."  Hope for Today (p. 156)

May 18th - Are you trying to fix, manage, and control another?

The story...

So, I was uncomfortable with the pain that another was going through.  It seemed like I was "helping" them by working out a plan for their life, giving them that subtle suggestion, that tearful hug, that offer to help, that vision of who I think they might be if they would just...   If it were me, or when I was in a situation like that, I would...  The offer was to live vicariously through me and not try to work it out on their own - "you just aren't capable of 'winning' in the game of life on your own - you need me."

It's a good thing to see a person grow from dependence, to independence, and then on to interdependence - a fully functioning independent member of community.  There are many people that think it's just too risky to let others live their lives without their co-management, influence, and control - "you need me!"  Who might they have been if they were respected and shown the dignity necessary for them to work out their own life alongside others? 

Do these girls have a chance?  Backyard 4/02/23

Nobody wants to see people struggle within the only church in town.  Many think they're called to interfere and counsel others toward their version of the life style that they too are trying to live as they oughta.  Might they be advising them away from the narrower good path and on towards the wider and well worn "safer" path?

They're God's kids - he desires a fully-functioning relationship with them.  Why not rest and let them?

Just for today...

"Today I suspect that adversity has value I hadn't previously recognized.  When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feeling, things have a chance to improve . . . finally begun living life on life's terms."  Courage to Change (p. 139)

"He was a mechanical puppet, powered by his wife's determined will . . . it was the only way the poor man could escape from the terrible domestic powerhouse."  One Day at a Time (p. 139)

"I need to respect their right to choose, free of my interference, judgment, and control."  Hope for Today (p. 139)

May 12th: Why am I repeating my opinion?

 The story...

"If you continue to repeat your opinion then you're trying to control and manipulate others."  I remember when I first heard this.  If that's true then it's also true that I've spent much of my life attempting to manage and control other people's lives.  Me acting like a little god?  My intervention in their lives may have both stunted their growth and hindered their relationship with God. 

A friend of mine told me that he was profiting from reading the book "Scary Close" by Donald Miller.  This peaked my interest as many liked "Blue Like Jazz" and I learned the elements of a story in "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" - I also met Mr. Miller at a Hope College event - I like him.

So, I ordered the book and later went to my bookshelf and found an unread copy - a gift that never read.  Being an academic sort, I marked up one copy and recorded my key points in the back of the book with page references.  My friend and I met and discussed our recorded "key points."  It was a fruitful conversation and we both were significantly challenged by the visual example of the three pillows (pp. 205-209).

(pp. 205-209) notes.

The 3-pillow image is a reminder to avoid the dangers that likely lurk within a co-dependent relationship.  "Co-dependency happens when too much of your sense of validation or security comes from somebody else" (p. 206).  In a relationship, there are two souls - each soul has their own pillow that should not be tramped on by the other person.  The middle pillow is the relationship where both can work life together.  The warning is to never try to change the other person - do not step on the pillow of their soul!  Work out your own soul and allow them the dignity to work out theirs too.  We're responsible for our own soul and nobody else's.

The only church in town wouldn't work to fix, manage, and control each person so that they all reflected the same idea of what a "good" soul "should" look like.  The will of God for each person would be respected.  Each person would be treated with dignity - their soul, or pillow, would not be trampled on.  They'd sow seeds and grow at their own pace.  Each would value the relationship pillows where they work out life together - the community.

Just for today...

"Stating my opinion once is appropriate, any more than that is an attempt at governing those around me."  Hope for Today (p. 133)

"...deep down, there is a part of me, that pushes me to seek peace, happiness, direction, and wholeness in my life.  And I doubt my doubts."  Courage to Change (p. 133)

February 14th - Mask wearing

 The story...

Once upon a time, I was assigned the responsibility to lead a group of about twelve high-school teenagers.  I facilitated an open first session to engage them in a discussion aimed at finding out what topics were most important to them - they didn't know.  I met a college professor, for the first time, after the session and described my class topic dilemma to him.  He suggested we focus on the book TrueFaced (1995) that he previously used with a college class.  The book's main idea was that people often walk through life acting out different roles to cover up their true selves - it's like they have a mask at hand for each occasion.  I did use the material with the class and I remember that the ideas did resonate with them.  The one quote that I frequently recall is: "I prefer that you be who I want you to be rather than who you are, if it's all the same to you." (TrueFaced, p. 32).

The book TrueFaced Experience Guide (pp. 33,34) listed six masking behaviors that you may relate to:

• I become highly sensitized to my own sin and judge the sin of others.
• I lose my objectivity in a crisis and I become the issue.
• I hide my sinful behavior and become more vulnerable to sin.
• I am unable to be loved or to love.
• I become susceptible to wrong life choices.
• I attempt to control others.

Group think and the desire to please others can lead us into acting out a part wearing our own mask(s). After we act out a role long enough, might we forget who we are and where we're going?

The only church in town might offer a grace message - a safer place where people can be truth tellers.  Would it be a loving environment where people are accepted just the way they are?   Freedom is a wonderful thing.

Just for today...

"'Just trust me?' is the last thing you want to hear when you have already carefully concluded that no one can be trusted ... except yourself." TrueFaced Experience Guide (p. 44) 

"We look very impressive - we have learned to package our techniques well - but our self-effort keeps us self-centered and immature . . . Because we are constantly pursuing power and authority, and manipulating to gain control, God can never release us into our future . . . Our relational sadness, our inability to be loved, our festering wounds and broken relationships freeze us in immaturity."  TrueFaced Experience Guide (p. 145)

"Do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with God in Christ."  Micah 6:8 (NASB)

January 29th - Was I nagging?

The story...

About two years ago, a fellow group member read from the Courage to Change daily reader which I've partially quoted below.  They made the claim, that they realized that their repetition of "advise," to those that they cared about, was really a thinly veiled attempt to fix, manage, and control the person whom they "cared" for.  The repeated messages implied that they didn't trust the "subject" with their own life.  Their relationship was like a  co-dependent entanglement that stunted needed growth for both parties.

When I heard her share, I was quickly convicted of a self-defeating behavior.  Why did I continue attempts to drive home my messaging?  They may have missed what I said so I repeated it in a slightly different way or tone?  They didn't seem to receive it well so I made the appeal a bit more persuasive? They didn't give me the feedback that I expected so I repeated?  Yes, I was attempting to fix, manage, or control them and they likely tuned me out.  I expect that their options were to remain co-dependent on me or to act the "rebel" and reject me and my messaging.  Strangely, I frequently acted out the role of the "rebel" when confronted with efforts to control or manipulate me.

What did I truly want for those I cared for?  Did I want them to live protected lives, like in a "zoo," or to live freely in the "jungle" of the actualities of real life?  Are the controllers imagining the freedom of others like a sort of Tarzan - out of control and heading for disaster?

The only church in town will value people moving from dependence, on their care givers, to capable-independent adults.  Clearly, moving from dependence to independence is good, yet we aren't complete on our own - the only church in town will profess the value of living in community.  The community that God offers, in-Christ, has been essential for this rebel's transition from a self-protecting/promoting one to a fruit-bearing life.  I'm free from the bondage of my old self in Christ - I'm not going to live in a self-protecting "cage" again.  Why would I strive to cage another?

Just for today...

"If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable - agrees with what I've said or takes my advice - then I know I've lost my focus."  Courage to Change (p. 29)

"I have no right to deprive anyone else of the challenge of meeting his own responsibility."  One Day at a Time (p. 29)

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

January 15th - Protecting from bad news by worrying in advance? Really?

The story...

There's a news show on TV and people I care about are watching and kind of listening to it.  The broadcaster is tainting the news coverage in a way that seems partial and unfair to me.  I quickly interrupt the coverage, from another room, to bring attention to the bias so that they won't be misguided and swayed to think like the crowd.  I certainly don't want to have future arguments with them or to "allow" them to live a life clouded with partial truths and popular opinion guiding their thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.  Might my underlying motive be to push them toward thinking more like me? 

My actions do suggest that they aren't capable of living out, or interpreting, their lives without me.  I expect that they know this and they often hear my interfering voice as a clanging gong or loud droning sound that they wish would respectfully let them be - to think and live on their own.  I might be exaggerating to make the blog more interesting; however, I know it's true and want to change.

Are you trying to get somebody to behave in a way to help you?  If so, that should be a glaring red "stop" light.

Within the only church in town, there'll be popular opinion and campaigns to push congregants to agree with...   A primary function of the church is to clearly preach, teach, and work out the Word of God into the actualities of each person's life.  Other times, there will be "righteous" noises that divide, drive strong emotions, and end up with more guarded, separated, and lonelier people.  When that becomes more the norm, it seems that their ears and hearts won't be as open to receive the Word of God - that'd be tragic.

Just for today...

"I was busy projecting a horrible outcome to my loved one's crisis and dreading the ways in which the consequences might affect me . . . Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes.  But worrying will not protect me from the future."  Courage to Change (p. 15)

November 29th - Trying to control the uncontrollable? Why?

The story...

The weather is going to vary.  We can attempt to control it by moving to a new spot on the globe yet it will vary there too.  It's true that we can influence the weather but can we really control it?  

We're better able to plan for weather variation in our homes.  We can look at the short-term forecast and  plan accordingly.  Many change their home's environment using: a thermostat with heat and cooling source(s);  a hygrometer to start up the humidifier or dehumidifier; and reported pollen counts to begin filtering the air or closing the windows.  Yet some people don't like it the same way and the weather within the house varies too - the settings are agreed to by compromise or directed by those with authority - it's never quite right.

So, some of us build houses that are sustainable under all reasonable weather expectations and don't require excessive effort to control them.  The people change the way they dress and behave differently.  They may choose to work in the morning, go to the air-conditioned mall or beach, when it's hot; or even travel during periods of weather that're not to their liking.  They accommodate the weather rather than judging it an attempting to control it.   They might not even have an opinion about the weather and actually appreciate the variation - that sounds good to me.  Yet, I'm going to heat, cool and filter to adjust for the extremes that significantly affect my life - just like I'm going to plan on dressing to fit the forecasted weather.

I choose to be thankful for each day's weather and refuse to judge it as being either good or bad.  I want to live my life accommodating the variation and appreciating it rather than working never-ending cycles of measuring, judging, controlling, and deeming it as either good or bad.  And, I want to treat the people that I interact with, in community, in a similar way.  Engage in their lives and enjoy each other without trying to fix, manage, and control them according to what I expect is best for them.  They won't all be my friends yet I intend to offer grace, mercy, love, and respect to all.

The only church in town will be thankful for the grace, forgiveness, and love that God pours out on us through our Lord Jesus the Christ.  Church people will work out a similar, albeit clunky, graceful heart within their relationships too - mirroring how God loves them.

Just for today...

"Being an adult was looking good on the outside and not feeling what was going on the inside . . . The first thing to go was the control over others - it simply doesn't work  . . .  Today I can risk being myself. I don't have to live up to anyone's image."  Courage to Change (p. 334)

"Today I can put the past where it belongs and focus on taking care of myself. I needn't wait for someone to do it for me."  Hope for Today (p. 334)

"This self-imposed struggle to control the uncontrollable is certainly not rational."  One Day at a Time (p. 334)