August 27th - DETATCHMENT

The story...

It was a hard and long process for me to form boy-girl relationships and they were even harder and longer to end.  Maybe I was expecting a level of love and attachment that wasn't reasonable or good for either of us.  How did I set expectations for my "true love" relationship?  I don't know the answer.  It's possible that they were good for an ideal world; yet, this world, and the people who work out their lives here, aren't ideal.

Do I need your help and approval in order to be okay?  If I say yes, then my level of "okayness" is tied to your "okayness" with both you and me - ugh.  If I say no, then I have the possibility of being okay with me and freeing you to be okay too.  Might we offer others the freedom and dignity to live out their own lives?

A helpful model came to me from Donald Miller's book "Scary Close," (pp. 206,207).  He illustrates a relationship with three floor pillows: my pillow, our relationship pillow, and your pillow.  The only person who steps on your pillow is you - your soul - same for my pillow.  Both of you can step on the middle pillow because you agreed to be in a relationship.

"Codependency happens when too much of your sense of validation or security comes from somebody else . . . What goes on in the other person's soul is none of your business. All you're responsible for is your soul, nobody else's. Regarding the middle pillow, the question is, 'What do I want in a relationship?' . . . What's going on in other people's minds is none of your business."

"Scary Close." My original notes

 What would the only church look like if they focused on the gospel, the good news, learning and living together and not on changing other people's minds?  Actually, working out their right relationship with God in Christ versus changing their minds related to the theology that "we" believe in?

Just for today...

"I wasn't really admitting my powerlessness or I wouldn't keep trying to control everyone or everything around me . . . Not my will but Your will."  Courage to Change (p. 240)

"...my skill in detaching rested on my ability to accept my own thoughts and feelings and to become comfortable with myself . . . Because my fate - my very life - was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and to listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to exercise control."  Hope for Today (p. 240)

"We are free to refuse to be hurt by a spiteful remark or malicious action. So the whole matter really rests with us. The choice of accepting or rejecting an offense is ours alone . . . What can words do to me unless I take them to heart?"  One Day at a Time (p. 240)

August 24th - "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."

The story...

It's my senior year of high school, I'm sitting with two friends in study hall during the last hour of the day,  I realize that she and he wanted to be together without me - a boundary set up with me on the outside.  It hurt knowing that she chose him and not me.  The study-hall monitor says my name for the attendance check - I say "here," then immediately stand up and walk out of school early.  I gave up and treated that monitor with no respect - forcing her into a situation to either report or forgive my behavior - she didn't report me.

When is too much too much?  Is playing it safe in an unsafe world futile?  What level of dignity and personal rights do we deserve?  Are we all worthy of being loved?  Who judges the value of a human life?  Is it worth the effort to live a good life?  Does anybody know what a good life looks like?  If we could agree on what a good life looks like, is anyone capable of actually living one out?

It pushes me to the edge of angry when I witness people hurt other people in an attempt to "bend" reality to satiate their appetites to be like "little gods."  Little gods don't seem to be satisfied with living out their own fantasy, they want others to acknowledge, accept, and celebrate their illusions of self-grandeur.  A never-ending quest to collect medals, evidence, and the approval they crave.  I assume they're not okay with who they actually are.

Network (1976)

Sure, people will get angry within the only church in town when their personal boundaries are violated. When their needs and wants aren't met for too long.  When they see the ways of the world worked out and flaunted.  When particular people are admired, celebrated, and sought out for approval.  Yet when people are finally broken, give up trying to be good, stop seeking the approval of others, or get mad as hell and decide not to take it anymore; then, the clarity of the "good news," the message of "grace," shines like the brightest light illuminating "what's going on."  Oh that they might witness God's great saving and freeing work in Christ.  Praise God that it's by grace that I rightly stand with God in Christ. 

It was for freedom that Christ set us free (Galatians 5:1).

Just for today...

"I am human and I get angry, but I don't have to act out my anger in destructive ways . . . Whether my usual response is to scream, sulk in cold silence, or lash out with cruel words, today I can look at what I do when I get mad."  Courage to Change (p. 237)

July 25th - What do we do when we don't get needed approval?

The story...

It felt good to receive good grades in elementary school.  It was easy to remember the assignment and recite it back to the teacher. John, Jill and I had the best memories in the class.  I could look at the letter grade on my paper and quickly compare it with those around me - I was better.  This changed in middle school - learning required more practice and there were more people. 

My seventh grade math class was situated in a trailer outside the school and the curriculum allowed kids to learn at their own pace.  When I got too far ahead, my teacher asked me to help those who were struggling.  I tried to help one particular guy, he seemed to resent my efforts and stole my set of colored pencils.  He and I were very different and naturally gravitated to different groups of 7th or 8th graders.  I sought respect within my academics and he from being like the cool "tough" kids.

I don't remember studying at home - I must've yet I don't remember it.  In high school, I took a strange sort of pride from never taking text books home - the academic role didn't seem to fit me anymore.  I made few attempts to please my teachers.  It was almost as though I rejected my teacher's authority before they rejected and "graded" me.  College was a similar experience yet most of the students in the engineering curriculum were naturally intelligent and motivated to learn.

It seems that we all desired approval yet I tended to reject the evaluators before they rejected me.   Yes, it seems I feared rejection and built a sort of protective shield.  I felt group acceptance by being the story-telling guy rather than working out and living out the more real and natural me.  

The only church in town would offer the grace necessary for loving people as they are.  People will feel more safe and loved when they take their masks off and find people who they can related to and grow with.  Might accepted and loved people more freely receive the love of God and His workings through other people? Yes they can!

Just for today...

"Why did I continue to deny my own feelings to gain someone's approval? . . . Was I able to face the real me behind the people-pleasing image?  Do I say what I mean and mean what I say?" Courage to Change (p. 207)

"As we abandon the role of accuser, judge and manager, the home climate shows marked improvement.  A pleasant, cheerful environment..."  One Day at a Time (p. 207)

February 14th - Mask wearing

 The story...

Once upon a time, I was assigned the responsibility to lead a group of about twelve high-school teenagers.  I facilitated an open first session to engage them in a discussion aimed at finding out what topics were most important to them - they didn't know.  I met a college professor, for the first time, after the session and described my class topic dilemma to him.  He suggested we focus on the book TrueFaced (1995) that he previously used with a college class.  The book's main idea was that people often walk through life acting out different roles to cover up their true selves - it's like they have a mask at hand for each occasion.  I did use the material with the class and I remember that the ideas did resonate with them.  The one quote that I frequently recall is: "I prefer that you be who I want you to be rather than who you are, if it's all the same to you." (TrueFaced, p. 32).

The book TrueFaced Experience Guide (pp. 33,34) listed six masking behaviors that you may relate to:

• I become highly sensitized to my own sin and judge the sin of others.
• I lose my objectivity in a crisis and I become the issue.
• I hide my sinful behavior and become more vulnerable to sin.
• I am unable to be loved or to love.
• I become susceptible to wrong life choices.
• I attempt to control others.

Group think and the desire to please others can lead us into acting out a part wearing our own mask(s). After we act out a role long enough, might we forget who we are and where we're going?

The only church in town might offer a grace message - a safer place where people can be truth tellers.  Would it be a loving environment where people are accepted just the way they are?   Freedom is a wonderful thing.

Just for today...

"'Just trust me?' is the last thing you want to hear when you have already carefully concluded that no one can be trusted ... except yourself." TrueFaced Experience Guide (p. 44) 

"We look very impressive - we have learned to package our techniques well - but our self-effort keeps us self-centered and immature . . . Because we are constantly pursuing power and authority, and manipulating to gain control, God can never release us into our future . . . Our relational sadness, our inability to be loved, our festering wounds and broken relationships freeze us in immaturity."  TrueFaced Experience Guide (p. 145)

"Do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with God in Christ."  Micah 6:8 (NASB)

November 14th - My survival skills

The story...

Most of us developed survival skills to make it through K-12 - our elementary, junior, and high school years. High school was when I was expected to learn and experience what I needed to be a full-functioning member of society.  The graduation speech said that we had limitless potential within the United States of America.  What did I do over those 13 years?

• Learned to obey the teacher, complete assignments, and value good grades.
• Progressed through boy scouts to the rank of "Life Scout."
• Fulfilled the job requirements of a paper delivery boy for 4 yrs. - wasn't motivated to sell new subscriptions but faithfully delivered the papers and collected the money.
• Built a large wooden tool box, smashed my thumb with a hammer, sewed my own reversible vest, and cooked potato soup.in junior-high shop class.  They required the boys to take home-economics for two months during 8th grade.
• Completed drivers education and was awarded my drivers license.
• Fulfilled the requirements of a drug store general worker and delivery boy for 2 yrs.  Crashed their cars several times.
• Developed friends - mostly from band and work experiences.
• Completed all the math classless offered and survived the English classes.
• Fell in love multiple times yet didn't experience the boy-girl friend closeness that I hoped for.
  
  

My High School

Who was I at that graduation ceremony?

• Accepted Christ as my Savior at eight.
• Learned a work ethic and financial skills with the money I earned.
• Distanced myself from the church - worked every other Sunday.
• Became a story-teller to engage in group conversation.
• Looked for love where I thought it might be found - love was elusive.
• Interacted socially yet never really felt like I fit in.
• Accepted at a state college - to be an engineer.  There I expected to start over - to be somebody.
• Learned survival skills - boundaries, armor, and habits.

The only church in town is a place where you can learn the reality of being truly okay.  Okay with God, you, and your neighbors too.  I was so thankful, in 1980, when Steve and Marlene said to me:  "We would like you to go to church with us - please come."

Just for today...

"I was powerless over my childhood. The survival skills that I developed made my adult life unmanageable."  Hope for Today (p. 319)

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

October 22nd - Do you want them to "act" as the person you want them to be?

The story...

During my mid-life years, I went fishing to recreate.  Inevitably, I'd call my dad to tell him what happened.  I knew that he was interested in fishing, and he seemed to appreciate learning about my episodes too.  There was a sort of give-and-take in those conversations - we were both able  to "check in" with each other.

I lost most of my interest in fishing after my dad died.  Strangely, I seem to have gone fishing to reexperience good feelings from early years.  Maybe I wanted my dad to know that I was okay and that I appreciated him in a way that I could communicate.  

My dad was a good man.  Yet, he wasn't able to meet some of my significant needs.  I accepted this truth and loved him for who he was.

I do fish now for different reasons.  I no longer seek my dad's approval and I don't need to be fishing with another person to be fulfilled - I'm "okayer," thankful and more content.

The only church in town will be a place where you can meet a close friend, friends, community, and God within view of that bright Light that's God's revealed Word.  Why not honestly live out life within community as opposed to acting out on your own?  You're an important part of this epic story of life - why not live out your part?

Just for today...

"Expecting him to be a nurturing person was unrealistic . . . I adopted some of his character defects as my own . . . I needed to give myself what was not in his power to give - love, acceptance, wisdom, a safe childhood, and a healthy initiation into manhood."  Hope for Today (p. 296)

October 13th - Being who you are or who they want you to be?

The story...

There's a guy I know that's experiencing health changes that allows him to be both less inhibited and also less likely to behave as he's expected to.  I look forward to meeting him and the community interaction seems much more interesting, vibrant and refreshing when he's there - you just don't know what he'll say next.  He's spontaneous and seems to speak from his heart without first passing his thoughts through some filters that he may've refined throughout countless years of adapting to group codes of acceptable behavior.

People are so much fun when they're more themselves rather than the role the group's assigned to them.  They're certainly better than when they attempt to "act" like the idealized role of who the "best" would be.  This is an argument for casual rather than formal dress within community yet we all know there are times when we all do need to agree to be a better version of ourselves for us to accomplish our mission together.  Formal dress does suggest the group's desire for people to act and behave according to a standard that might be more desirable and honorable.  "If everybody would just _____ everything would be fine - just like it use to be."

The only church in town would teach about the Body of Christ and the expected uniqueness of each of the members.  Like a body, there are mouths, ears, little-toes, knees, hair follicles, and eyes - each uniquely equipped to serve its role.  The body will not function well without each behaving just as they are as opposed to all trying to be like the mouth (1 Cor. 12:12-27).  They'd frequently remind each other of this mystical union that's facilitated and empowered by the Spirit of God - God working out His will amongst and through community.

Just for today...

"Did this behavior get me what I wanted or encourage me to feel good about myself?  When I took a good look, I realized that the answer to the question was 'No.'  Loud, angry words and actions demonstrated my frustration and pushed away all hope for peaceful solutions to my problems . . . Easy does it."  Courage to Change (p. 287)

September 19th - The Poison of Hurt and Resentment

The story...

I wanted something from my dad that he couldn't give me.  Did he tell me that it was his to offer or did I just assume he could?  He did stuff along with my older brother that he didn't do with me -  maybe there was something deficient in me?  I assumed that he was a "good" moral person because he did good stuff, was an upstanding member of the community, went to church, and served multiple roles in the church too.  His personality and gifts were different than mine and I couldn't be like him no matter how hard I tried.  So, what did I want from him that he couldn't give?  He did give me much.

I'd like to have known what a good life looked like and that I was worthy, capable and had the power to live one out.  I'd like to have been okay with me and my unique: capabilities, talents and self even though the people of the world seemed to continually challenge my worth.

These guys said I had the power - I don't think they had it to give.

My dad was a good man and good dad - he helped me much and did the best he could with what he had.  I wanted a close relationship with God, my dad, with a few close friends, with my family, eventually alongside a life partner and my community too - these relationships were illusive for me. I'm so thankful for them now.

The relationships that we need might be found within the only church in town.  They can be worked out within the will of God - He's got the power.

Just for today...

"I thought that resentment would prevent me from ever being hurt again . . . living my life under the heavy burdens of rage and resentment were hurting me . . . I experienced a spiritual awakening in the form of a deep desire to let go of those feelings that were poisoning my life . . . I gave up my bitterness and regained my life."  Hope for Today (p. 263)