January 10th - Anchored in the present

The story...

Thankfully, I've learned the value of focusing on, and being more aware of, the present - where life actually occurs.  Our bodies sense what's going on now even though the cause of the sensation is likely rooted in the past.  We can read about God yet our spirit senses His Spirit in the present as He intervenes or as His Spirit interacts with our spirit as we quietly pray or meditate.  We've reasons to expect what will happen in the future yet each new day's unknown.  How many days have we ended the day thinking  "I never would have expected that?"  Yes, we'll all experience, and recall, each day together in different ways.  Oh... to be more in synch with others, listening, to grow our understanding of "what's going on?"

One day, I wrote what I planned to say at my Momma's memorial service. Almost all of my parent's descendants attended that memorial service.  Congregates were asked to focused on the past, and remember, some of who she was amongst them.  All had lost a relationship - a chunk of who they were and a partial cause of who'll they be.  Yes the "we" is valuable and and a more complete perceptive than the limited "me." 

I believe I spoke from my heart, displayed the love that I had for my momma; each and every family member; and for "That Than Which there is No Greater," our God, our Creator, our Savior.  Maybe we left the memorial service with a better understanding of the wonderfully different people within the "we" that makes up family.

When you walk through the doors of the only church in town, you'll have the opportunity to leave the distractions of the world, your community, your home, and the cares of the world outside.  There'll be opportunities to focus on the present - the spiritual reality that's true in the present and will exist throughout all eternity.  The congregation will be a wonderful "we" who share a common faith in our common Creator, Lord, and Savior.

Maybe there's a way to integrate "we" into a favorite motto for my living a good life?   "Live for today, plan for tomorrow and think on eternity."

Just for today...

"To break the cycle of worry and fear, I'm learning to focus all my attention on this very moment . . . These bits of reality help rescue me from "what ifs" and "should haves" by anchoring me in the present."  Courage to Change (p. 10)

January 3rd - Cycles of continual improvement - growth

The story...

The nation of Israel's history may be characterized as continuing cycles of restoration to a right relationship with God, drifting away, realizing the lost and pain of separation, and reconciliation.  I've heard it said that this might be a good picture of a strengthening, growing, and lasting marriage too.  People's self-focused natures tend to pull them apart yet the marriage commitment can be strong enough to restore the relationship - over and over again.  Each restorative cycle can grow both marriage partners within their commitment to each other and to each of their relationships with God too.

I'm so thankful for my marriage partner and the personal growth that we've experienced both together and as individuals too.  Similarly, this kind of growth can happen within the only church in town -continual cycles of pain, love experienced, and restoration.  Yes, suffering, pain and brokenness often seem to be precursors, and necessary ingredients, for real and sustainable change cycles over time - growth.  

Just for today...

"I can do nothing to change the past except stop repeating it in the present . . . Taking some tiny action each day cam be much more effective than weeks and months of inactivity followed by a frenzied attempt to make radical changes overnight."  Courage to Change (p. 3)

"Each minute, each hour, each day, I smile a little more, let go of yesterday a little more, and live in today a little more."  Hope for Today (p. 3)

December 28th - Be okay living in reality

The story...

Oh, if I could've been more  kind to both me and to others too - more content with what I had and appreciative of what I received.  Yet, none of those years were wasted.  They're all part of who I am.  I'm thankful for each and every one - they were a gift.

From Caroline Kennedy

The bible says that He became flesh and lived a life out on this earth within a human experience as the Son of Man.  His human experience is important to both God and to us too.  Might all of our human experiences have eternal value?  I expect so . . .  they're certainly important to me as I type.

How about being a part of the only church in your town already?  What a great place to meet whilst praising and worshiping our Creator together.  Relationships found there help complete us, contribute to the value of each day, and builds towards a worthy aim.

Just for today...

"We intend to be kind and tolerant, but some uncontrollable impulse changes our attitude into something we later find ourselves regretting. We intend to accomplish so much, but unless we start out with a realistic estimate of what we are capable of doing, we fall far short of our expectations."  One Day at a Time (p. 363)

December 26th - A good life is like a dance - relationships held loosely

The story...

I went to college during the disco-dance era.  Guys often met girls at parties where young men had the opportunity to ask women to dance.  Like many other guys, I was a reluctant to display my lack of dancing skills amongst my peers - especially the girls who I admired from a distance.  John Travolta showed us how it was done on Saturday Night Fever and the dancing experience was a whole lotta fun.  

After college, I moved to Tennessee where there was a different style of country-western dancing, like the 2-step, and we danced to the Cotton-Eyed Joe.  I was new to Knoxville, so I went to two different churches on Sunday mornings followed by dance lessons at noon.  I wanted to be involved in community and meet my life partner - not knowing how to dance well was a barrier.  I met my life partner there in 1981 - praise God.  She was a practiced dancer who made dancing easy - she made me look and feel good.  She made it look like I was leading although I often didn't know what I was doing or what the next pattern was.

Relationships are much like a ballroom dance where you can hold your partner in various ways.  For me, it was great when I learned to hold her loosely with subtle, yet clear, signals as to where we were moving next.  She silently let me know what she wanted to do and where to go.  When it worked well, we flowed across the floor as a unit - continuous movements that didn't feel anything like work.  The close intimate relationship on the dance floor seemed kind of like a relationship well done.

Like on the dance floor, I had a difficult time maintaining close relationships throughout life.  I've learned relationship building and sustaining skills along the way and now greatly value the relationships I have.  There are similarities between a good relationships and the relationship on the dance floor - a metaphor.  Why not learn how to dance, go to places where people dance, and get out there on the dance floor of life?

Strangely, many churches didn't allow dancing amongst boys and girls either within church or outside of church.  They're worried about unwanted close relationship building.  Yet, the only church in town will encourage relationship building.  God with me, me with Him, me with them, them with me, me with him/her, and her/him with me.  It seems wise to hold them loosely and work out the most important relationship with God first - be okay.  Learn about Him, learn the dance, dance life with Him, dance with friends while holding them loosely, and enjoy the community at the dance party too.   A dance party isn't a solemn place - you'll find happiness and joy there - a good metaphor for the only church in town? 

Just for today...

"I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer . . . When I get the old feelings that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating in something that is not in my best interest. I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own involvement instead."  Courage to Change (p. 361)

"... it dawned on me how much of my life had been spent wanting for others to change so I could be happy."  Hope for Today (p. 361)

December 23rd - Purposely act or react?

The story...

Habits, routines, honest personal reflection, relationship building, kindness, prayer, quiet meditation, showing respect, and a propensity for doing versus waiting have all worked well for me. This incomplete list helped me grow up.  We'd probably agree that we've erected mental models to make sense of our lives and environments.  We may not agree on just how much our models are incomplete, flawed, biased, or bent to justify what we do or believe; yet, upon reflection we'd likely agree that they're flawed attempts to reflect what we want to be true.  Then, maybe we'd continue to walk toward our life's aim in a more honest, humble, thoughtful, and peaceful way than most do?

How do I react to those whose ways, manners, physical characteristics, age, actions, beliefs, experiences, education, or aims are significantly different from mine?  In the future, I hope to seek to understand them before I attempt to "help" them understand me - Steven Covey principle.  This one focus seems to enable a whole lotta of other good-life stuff.

The only church in town will be a great place to meet up with co-sojourners for your life journey.  You can find friends with a common aim, who're on a similar path, that you can relate to, and are in a similar stage along the path.  It's important to work out your reality with others too - there're many opportunities to love, and be loved by, most of the everybody.  Relationships and love seem to be the good stuff in life.  Good stuff is available within the only church in town - God's presence within the Body of Christ  - yes, it's mysterious and awesome too.

Just for today...

"I would not want this person as a friend, but I do need to work with him as a professional. I don't like him... However, . . . I treat him with the same courtesy and respect I would like him to give me, regardless of whether or not he gives it.  I let it begin with me and act rather than react."  Hope for Today (p. 358)

December 12th - Love yourself to more fully love others? How?

The story...

Did I need to perform well in order to be loved?  I didn't match the "ideal" person that "we" wanted to be.  And, it seemed that my parents were constantly pushing me to be toward something better than what I was capable of being or best suited for.  I know that I wanted to be loved yet the close relationships were elusive - they remained distant until I graduated from high school.

Growing up, I was smarter than the average kid.  My dad had a respectful job and my needs were met.  We had a bigger boat and newer car than most. They took us on vacations - four states away and to Canada too.  They volunteered and supported our boy scouts and girl scouts activities.  They taught us to be thrifty and capable - prepared for the future. They made sure that we went to church and were prepared to go away to college.  They did the parenting job well.  Yet, my heart wanted more - to love and be loved.  Not merely do and receive loving actions; but, to actually love and be loved.  Does love like that require the power of God?

The only church in town will be a place where people learn to love themselves gracefully as God does for us through Christ.  These loved people will be more capable and free to love others in relationships that require grace.  Grace, undeserved favor that comes from a power source - the Spirit of God. 

Just for today...

"How great is the human need for a scapegoat, someone or something to blame for our disappointments . . . at least part of my unhappiness is due to the way I reacted . . . nothing can work damage to me except myself.'"  One Day at a Time (p. 347)

"I had to deal with my old resentments . . . It took discipline and courage to stop pushing every adult away . . . I can love them for who they are, instead of who I think they should be."  Courage to Change (p. 347)

"I wasn't really aware of myself . . .When I learned to love the person I found - myself - I started to perceive and love myriad qualities in the people around me."  Hope for Today (p. 347)

December 9th - "I'm good when I'm loved and loving."

The story...

I've often discussed and pontificated on what the good life is and how it might be obtained in reality.  Why not "try" to work out our good-life code each day?  The list of reasons, why not to try, is long and not so distinguished: contrary feelings, secret hopes, distant relationships, jealousy, security needs, physical pain, haunting memories, thoughts of grandeur, whimsical fantasies, failings of others, the next new thing, boredom, discouragement...  I've come to terms with the idea that I'm not naturally good - I need intervention in order to be the "good" man whom I've enjoyed being with on occasions. 

So, when do I find myself good?  I'm good when I'm loved and loving.  Yet, how might I be good if I and others aren't lovable by nature?  It's a gift of God - He's got the power that indwells those who walk rightly and humbly with Him in Christ - praise God that we can abide in this reality.

The only church in town will proclaim that we're lovable by God, ourselves, and others when we're positioned with, and related to, the Son of Man, our Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ, our Messiah.  He alone can save us from the tyrannical rule of self; yes, our sinful nature separates us from our most Holy God.  He actually paid the death penalty for sin on our behalf - I'm declared righteous in Christ!

Just for today...

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing."  Albert Schweitzer

November 26th - Relationships - Good "Vibes" - Like tennis?

The story...

I greatly value my close relationships - maybe that's why this post took so many words to explain.  Relationships require an investment of my whole person for focused periods of time.  Here's the glue that seems to make'em stick for me:

• Who: similar personalities and journeys - ages from 35 yrs younger to 5 yrs. older
• What: equal sharing, & listening, of reality & ideas for what is and might be
• Where: coffee shop, restaurant, church, or via e-mail/text
• When: person-to-person biweekly - convenient time of day - one to two+ hours
• Why:  honestly sharing life-walks - giving & receiving - growing together
• How: sharing equally without unrequested opinion - like a good game of tennis

How's a strong relationship like a good game of tennis?  You share equally by taking turns serving and returning the ball.  You treat each other with respect or you won't continue to play.  Must plan to meet periodically at a mutually agreeable time/place.  You've similar goals for the tennis experience.  You'll accommodate your partner's physical limitations.  The joy of returning their shot on the sweet-spot of your racquet, at a similar level of energy, is invigorating - it's like you're fully connected yet remaining fully independent.  Conversation with a good friend is a lot like that.  Please don't even think about turning the joy of relationship into a win-lose game like tennis might be.  I heard Maryland's football coach say his team's "care factor" was excellent and that was why they were performing well - same with relationships.

The sweet-spot of the racquet is where the vibrations of the racquet cancel out and the forces are more fully transferred into the ball return.  Those vibrations are irritating, fatiguing and even harmful to our bodies.  Yes, a good conversation and a good tennis volley are similar.  We all know how fatiguing the unwanted "vibes" between people can be - they aren't okay within a close relationship - they continually wear down, erode, and destroy relationships.

The only church in town will be one group with a kind of personality of their own.  There'll be sub-groups that'll have their own personalities too.   Within these "purposed" groups you'll find opportunities to develop friendships with a person(s) similar to you.  These relationships will be like walking side-by-side through life focused on reality - the most important spiritual reality that truly lasts.  When we stray from the path, a friend can help us  "wake up" and return to the life-giving path.

We're blinded to spiritual reality when we focus on ourselves and ignore who we actually are as creatures - creatures created by a living and active God.  He's interested and powerfully working through our todays, tomorrows, and our eternal future too - He says so.  Experiencing a relationship with Him in Christ is like no other - "I'm with Him."

Just for today...

"... we don't tell anybody what to do. People only accept and use advice they're ready for . . . When I am asked for advice, I know only what I would do if I were faced with the same problem, and not what would be right for another."  One Day at a Time (p. 331)

"I learned to trust no one, to stay silent at all costs, to stuff my feelings, never to stand up for myself, to take on more responsibility than I could handle, to love conditionally, and to tell white lies to cover up my home life. No wonder as an adult I perceived that close interpersonal relationships were like constantly moving targets.  Usually I was the one who was moving because I lacked the skills to develop and maintain healthy adult relationships."  Hope for Today (p. 331)

November 22nd - Rightly related to God?

The story...

I prefer a day: waking up at a consistent time thankfully with prayer; planning for & doing good; being honest within reality; loving me & others; exercising my body & mind - strengthening each; saying yes more than no; meditating without thinking about the clock; dispatching potentially obsessive thinking within five minutes; tuning into my virtual spiritual radio - albeit the station's "staticy;" giving - being kind & receiving kindness; feeding my body & soul; seeking to understand before being understood; walking forward on my pilgrimage alongside close friends; and being the person God created and wills me to be.  Yet, my free will chooses to do differently each day.  Why?

My noble motives for behaving differently, even in the opposite direction, include my: need to be safe from harm; personal protection boundaries; scarcity of resources; American dream of the good life; acceptance by others; need to fix, manage, and control other people towards my vision of "our" good; avoiding fears from the past, present, and future; desire to receive good grades from the judge(s); escape from unfavorable circumstances; pain avoidance; telling of my good life story; loyalty to my family; and justifications for the way things are - "justified."

I expect that the first paragraph is about being rightly related to God and the second paragraph is about self protection and promotion.  The first paragraph was possible because my unholy self nature was judged, found wanting, yet redeemed and reconciled with God, sin debt paid for, by God Himself in Christ - "I'm with Him."  My part was believing on God and His great redemptive work in Christ.

The second paragraph characterizes me working out life by me and for me.  Thankfully, my conscience and the Spirit of God convicts me of this wrong way of being before I cause too much harm.  He restores me daily in a loving way.  My life seems to be a continuing cycles of restoration that're heading in a good direction - like we might expect a loving Father to do for those who are His.

The PDCA model is good - yet, different - standardizing & sustaining change

The only church in town will learn and know that they can respond to His calling and be His.  They'll find fellow pilgrims to walk together with through life's circumstances.  Yes, a continuing series of restorative cycles that strengthen our need for receiving love from our heavenly Father - that kind of love is infectious - It can't stay still.  Love spreads far and wide - shining Light everywhere.

Just for today...

"Half an hour's meditation is essential except when you are very busy. Then a full hour is necessary."  Francis de Sales

"First I need to develop a relationship with God . . . Next, I learn to become at peace with myself . . .  I can't be that person when I'm overly controlled by guilt, fear, and resentment and negligibly aware of my gifts and talents . . . Lastly, I start acting responsibly toward others."  Hope for Today (p. 326)

"...conflicting views become merely different views, so our problems can be solved with tolerant understanding and mutual respect."  One Day at a Time (p. 326)

November 20th - Why listen to, or share, uncomfortable realities about me?

The story...

"What's my husbands name? . . . Do you even know how many kids I have? . . . Do you care? . . . It's all about you."  This was the stinging message that I heard from one of my trusted reports.  She was making the claim that I cared for what she could produce and not truly for her as a person.  Whoa . . . the facts were clearly true . . . but wasn't the workplace suppose to be about work, accomplishment, and my objectives?  Wait, I meant to say "our" objectives - or did I?  As a supervisor, I wasn't suppose to get too close or have favorites - was I?  I could've justified my behaviors but it didn't sit well - I knew she was speaking "her" truth.   Was it possible to be the same good man in all of my endeavors?

Surely there were good examples out there - real people who still had their skin on 'em - not merely a glorified biography of the ideal.  Then, a guy was transferred to my department.  His current supervisor suggested that I witness his performance appraisal delivery.  I was surprised to see a virtuous man, honestly and respectfully, delivering his performance assessment along with their mutual understanding of their working relationship.  Wow ... I wanted to be more like him.  That good man, leader, and friend of many, died a few years later from cancer - another life circumstance that didn't seem fair.

The only church in town will be built on relationships - less-guarded and honest relationships.  Yet, we can't realistically expect to relate well with everyone or even most people.  We're all different and most are operating in a different stage of life.  The community will be okay and respect all people as they "be."  Yet, they'll all share within a better way - trusting in God.

Just for today...

"Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want  to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."  George Bernard Shaw

"What about those times when I heard truths about myself that left me feeling angry, embarrassed, or upset? When given the occasion to hear or speak an uncomfortable reality, I have choices. I can hear it and grow, I can share it and grow, or I can ignore it in favor of maintaining my comfort zone."  Hope for Today (p. 325)

November 14th - My survival skills

The story...

Most of us developed survival skills to make it through K-12 - our elementary, junior, and high school years. High school was when I was expected to learn and experience what I needed to be a full-functioning member of society.  The graduation speech said that we had limitless potential within the United States of America.  What did I do over those 13 years?

• Learned to obey the teacher, complete assignments, and value good grades.
• Progressed through boy scouts to the rank of "Life Scout."
• Fulfilled the job requirements of a paper delivery boy for 4 yrs. - wasn't motivated to sell new subscriptions but faithfully delivered the papers and collected the money.
• Built a large wooden tool box, smashed my thumb with a hammer, sewed my own reversible vest, and cooked potato soup.in junior-high shop class.  They required the boys to take home-economics for two months during 8th grade.
• Completed drivers education and was awarded my drivers license.
• Fulfilled the requirements of a drug store general worker and delivery boy for 2 yrs.  Crashed their cars several times.
• Developed friends - mostly from band and work experiences.
• Completed all the math classes offered and survived the English classes.
• Fell in love multiple times yet didn't experience the boy-girl friend closeness that I hoped for.
  
  

My High School

Who was I at that graduation ceremony?

• Accepted Christ as my Savior at eight.
• Learned a work ethic and financial skills with the money I earned.
• Distanced myself from the church - worked every other Sunday.
• Became a story-teller to engage in group conversation.
• Looked for love where I thought it might be found - love was elusive.
• Interacted socially yet never really felt like I fit in.
• Accepted at a state college - to be an engineer.  There I expected to start over - to be somebody.
• Learned survival skills - boundaries, armor, and habits.

The only church in town is a place where you can learn the reality of being truly okay.  Okay with God, you, and your neighbors too.  I was so thankful, in 1980, when Steve and Marlene said to me:  "We would like you to go to church with us - please come."

Just for today...

"I was powerless over my childhood. The survival skills that I developed made my adult life unmanageable."  Hope for Today (p. 319)

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

October 22nd - Do you want them to "act" as the person you want them to be?

The story...

During my mid-life years, I went fishing to recreate.  Inevitably, I'd call my dad to tell him what happened.  I knew that he was interested in fishing, and he seemed to appreciate learning about my episodes too.  There was a sort of give-and-take in those conversations - we were both able  to "check in" with each other.

I lost most of my interest in fishing after my dad died.  Strangely, I seem to have gone fishing to reexperience good feelings from early years.  Maybe I wanted my dad to know that I was okay and that I appreciated him in a way that I could communicate.  

My dad was a good man.  Yet, he wasn't able to meet some of my significant needs.  I accepted this truth and loved him, thankfully, for who he was.

I do fish now for different reasons.  I no longer seek my dad's approval and I don't need to be fishing with another person to be fulfilled - I'm "okayer," thankful and more content.

The only church in town will be a place where you can meet a close friend, friends, community, and God within view of that bright Light that's God's revealed Word.  Why not honestly live out life within community as opposed to acting out on your own?  You're an important part of this epic story of life - why not live out your part?

Just for today...

"Expecting him to be a nurturing person was unrealistic . . . I adopted some of his character defects as my own . . . I needed to give myself what was not in his power to give - love, acceptance, wisdom, a safe childhood, and a healthy initiation into manhood."  Hope for Today (p. 296)

October 21st - Interfering to keep things as they ought to be?

The story...

Winning a competitive game, by a significant margin, doesn't fit who I am.  I'd prefer to play a close game with an exciting finish - each person finishing in a positive state or condition.  My preference might be something that I would want to share with others - should I?

Bill Shankly's quote for competitive games - not so good in real life?

When are parent's expected to stop interfering through unwanted advice given to their kids?  Should they first receive requests or permission from their teenagers?  Sure there're necessary safety and household rules; but, when do attempts to positively influence become destructive interference?

Why not offer the dignity and respect to work out their own lives?  We can still help each other by developing strong relationships that provide a safe space to walk side-by-side through life - helping and sharing as needed and requested.

The only church in town will be a place to meet and grow together.  Honest, humble, and respectful relationships built around the revealed Word of God.

Just for today...

"We brought many troubles on ourselves by interfering . . . Am I fearful, picturing with dread what the future will bring? I will let go and let God, and live only of this one day."  One Day at a Time (p. 295)

"I was taught that if I did what I was told without question, I would be safer and happier. In my family, obedience meant following a strict, straight line."  Hope for Today (p. 295)

October 15th - Why are loving relationships so elusive and hard to maintain?

The story...

A female friend shared an intimate truth with me that betrayed the trust of one of her close friends.  They must have shared their impropriety with their friend because thereafter they avoided me - I assume they both experienced embarrassment.  I actually shared the issue with a pastor to better understand how he'd successfully dealt with situations like this - my plan was to follow his lead to resolve the relationship breakdown.  Due to the intricacies of the problem, we didn't come up with a good way to resolve it and the relationship breakdown remained for about two months.  Yesterday, I saw them at church standing together, I took a risk and gave the one who shared the story a side hug and hung on.  The embarrassment seemed to melt away immediately and the situation was resolved between the three of us with much relief and smiles - I expect that we all were freed up from a sort of dark cloud that affected us all.

The only church in town would read, in the book of Genesis, the story of all people being cursed with a sin nature - selfish people emotionally and physically hurting each other.  People moving toward isolation as opposed to working together and demonstrating the kinds of love that we secretly crave. This sin nature resists both the giving and receiving of love.  More importantly, unresolved sin creates a barrier between God and us leaving us, relationally, on our own trying to work our life out the best we know how.

That same church would preach the good news of how God resolved our relationship barrier through the death, burial, and resurrection of our Lord Jesus the Christ - He paid the death penalty for our sin.  His resurrection proves both who He is and that we can expect resurrection too.  Through faith in the great work of Christ, our sin issue is resolved and we can walk through life humbly and and honestly with God in Christ.  Man, that's good news!

Just for today...

"It seemed as though I was ricocheting off two walls, one marked 'inactive' and the other marked 'reactive.'  . . .  Impulsiveness can be as much a trap as immobility."  Hope for Today (p. 289)

"I think of forgiveness as a scissors, I use it to cut the stings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt . . . By letting go, I detach and forgive. When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me."  Courage to Change (p; 289)

September 26th - There's me, us, and you - me is me, we are we, and you are you.

The story...

We were sitting on the porch talking about two mutual friends.  One of that pair had delivered clear feedback to the other, and even set up a new personal boundary, in order to protect their friendship. My friend commented that friends do give specific personal feedback when they have to: "that's what friends do."  The next day I delivered specific personal feedback to that same friend - they reacted negatively and defensively - it was difficult to deliver the one-time feedback in a way that was received let alone acknowledged.  The exchange was difficult, uncomfortable; yet, I think it worked out for the best.

Maybe good friends tell their friend their perceived truth once  - not nagging or trying to persuade.  Should friends focus on the relationship and not on reforming or reframing each others minds or souls?  I think my friends have the space to share their mind and soul, as they will to, yet we respect each other's "space."  I'm okay with my friends just as they are - that's a strong foundation to build on and to grow too.  We grow together.

The only church in town would be a place where people might find truer friends who they can grow together with.  Everyone would have at least one "good" friend to walk side by side with along their journey towards that celestial city.

Just for today...

"Smugness is the very worst sin of all, I believe. It is difficult for a shaft of light to pierce the armor of self-righteousness. Many of the things I thought I did unselfishly turned out to be pure rationalizations to get my own way about something."  One Day at a Time (p. 270)

"At our wedding ceremony, the minister said, '... and the two shall become one,' and we did, 'We' became 'him.'"  Hope for Today (p. 270)

September 22nd - Pilgrim's Progress - The 1678 Christian Life Allegory

The story...

"If you're in a frustrating exchange with another person - drop the tug-of-war rope."  I remember hearing about this "tool" from another person who described it as one she used on her journey to being more okay with herself.  She was at a point of feeling worthy of being loved and able to more fully love others too.  "Dropping the rope" seemed easy to do so I "tried it on" for a few days - the results were real good.  I shared my exuberance for the "tool" application, at our next meeting, and was ready to "try on" more live-giving ways of living from these new friends who'd traveled a similar road.  As we listened and shared, our lives began to grow together - we seemed to be walking side-by-side as fellow sojourners towards the "Celestial City" - enjoying each other's company along the way.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The Pilgrims Progress

The only church in town will offer, those who might read Pilgrim's Progress, to better understanding of our life journey towards that celestial city.  The church will offer fellow pilgrims God's revelation about Himself, faith, hope, peace, joy, our future, and sustenance for our most adventurous journey.

Just for today...

"It's a wonderful opportunity to practice giving unconditional love and support by simply listening.  Many of us hear stories that are similar to our own; others can often identify with the feelings that are expressed. Perhaps we will be reminded of where we have been and how far we have come."  Courage to Change (p. 266)

"Worrying about trifles saps my spiritual energy which I could certainly put to better use. Am I willing to waste my life in this way? . . . I will not be made uneasy by what others do, whether they intend to hurt me or not. I will not clutter up my thoughts with resentment; it would not profit me, worse it would hurt me."  One Day at a Time (p. 266)

"Sometimes I'm afraid I'll have to separate from my family members to maintain my quest for healthy living, especially when they deny and justify their unacceptable behavior . . . I am slowly learning that trying to change someone else's behavior to suit my needs is an exercise in futility and frustration. Truly profound power and peace lie in the ability to change my behavior to suit my needs . . . I can accept people as they are."  Hope for Today (p. 266)

September 19th - Hurt and Resentment or...

The story...

I wanted something from my dad that he couldn't give me.  Did he tell me that it was his to offer or did I just assume he could?  He did thigs with my older brother that he didn't do with me -  maybe there was something deficient in me?  I assumed that he was a "good" moral person because he did good stuff, was an upstanding member of the community, went to church, and served multiple roles in the church too.  His personality and gifts were different than mine and I couldn't be like him no matter how hard I tried.  So, what did I want from him that he couldn't give?  He did give me much.

I'd like to have known what a good life looked like and that I was worthy, capable and had the power to live one out.  I'd like to have been okay with me and my unique: capabilities, talents and self even though the people of the world seemed to continually challenge my worth.

These guys said I had the power - I don't think they had it to give.

My dad was a good man and good dad - he helped me much and did the best he could with what he had.  I wanted a close relationship with God, my dad, with a few close friends, with my family, eventually alongside a life partner and my community too - these relationships were illusive for me. I'm so thankful for them now.

The relationships that we need might be found within the only church in town.  They can be worked out within the will of God - He's got the power.

Just for today...

"I thought that resentment would prevent me from ever being hurt again . . . living my life under the heavy burdens of rage and resentment were hurting me . . . I experienced a spiritual awakening in the form of a deep desire to let go of those feelings that were poisoning my life . . . I gave up my bitterness and regained my life."  Hope for Today (p. 263)

September 18th - The value of "we" in community

The story...

My four siblings and I lived closely together.  Each family member seemed to provide something that other family members lacked.  Some took on a role that partly filled a group need: Planner, Encourager, Tester, Teacher, Story Teller, Helper, Organizer, Server, Project Leader, Decision Maker, Giver, Doer etc.  Maybe that means we were a bit dysfunctional when one of the family members was gone for a period of time?  I expect that we each flexed our style in order to recover some of the lost value of our missing sibling.  It's frustrating to see siblings compare each other to evaluate who is the "best" or to try to fulfill a "best" image that the family has conjured up.  It seems better to appreciate the value of the "we" and enjoy each other just as they are.  It's a good thing to be okay with who you are - this state of well being seems like a sound foundation for continual growth within the "good life."

It would be a shame if there was a family code that encouraged all members to live, think and act in similar ways according to a "best" standard.  "If I could just fix _____ then I'd be okay" - ugh.

People new to the only church in town would learn about the Body of Christ and how people are given unique characteristics, talents, and gifts in order to better form God's called out group of people according to His will (1 Corinthians 12).  Each person would be valued and offered the opportunity to engage in the church community.  The church would be a place where people would go to serve their role in something bigger and better than any one person could possibly do or be.

Just for today...

"Too often my memory has given me sadness, bringing back past hurt and shame. But now I can use my memory to see the progress I have made and to know the joy of gratitude."  Courage to Change (p. 262)

September 12th - "I was just trying to help . . . my intentions were good."

The story...

Bill approved my attending an AMA, American Management Association, new manager seminar in Chicago.  I wanted to be and do my best in my new manager role.  What new tools and methods might I learn?  I left the seminar with a small book that included phrases that could be inserted into performance appraisals if you couldn't think of the right message - I don't remember actually using the book yet it felt good to have it on hand.

I wish that a mentor would've noticed my tendency to get into other people's business.  Sure my intentions were good - I wanted to "help" them to be that "better" more "capable" person that I imagined they could be.  When they had personal trouble, I tended to delve into their lives to "better" understand their situation, offer advise, and even to become involved in their work in order to "help" them along.  It seemed that I was hoping for a sort of co-dependent relationship where they valued my part in their "growth."

Thankfully I had a high performing, capable, person reporting to me who was going through a personal situation that was significantly affecting his work.  My efforts to intervene, with good intentions, were not working.  A wiser, and more experienced, manager called me out on my "coddling," intrusive, and "Christian like" intervention.  "You aren't helping him, you're enabling him to stay as he is and fail.  Hold him accountable for the results, be available if he needs support, and get out of his way."   The new approach worked and I changed my "management" style thereafter.  I adopted a pattern of giving each person the dignity; respect; necessary support; and freedom to fulfill their roles, responsibilities, and assignments - it was good, reasonable, more natural, and better results followed.   Some were not successful and moved on to a job or organization that was a better fit.  

I wish I'd have adapted some of those principles within my personal life too.  I eventually did, yet it took years for me to habitually offer most people the dignity and respect to be the unique person that they were without my "good intentioned" interference, "designed by me" to help them be who I thought they "oughta" be.  I was acting like a little god - ugh.

The only church in town would allow people to more honestly live out their lives starting with where they actually are.  Healthy relationships would be available to help them work out their lives alongside other people according to righteous principles and truth. It seems to take people a lotta time to grow - much longer than you'd ever expected.  The only church in town would be a patient, loving, and respectful environment where God's will is witnessed within reality.

Just for today...

"She is getting unconscious satisfaction from managing other people's lives, while she imagines her intentions are only good . . . Heaven protect me from my good friends who, with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, an justify my complaints."  One Day at a Time (p. 256)

"Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, then deciding what we will do about it . . . I will give myself time to accept my situation before I act." Courage to Change (p. 256)

September 11th - Are relationships worth the effort?

The story...

I obsessively thought about a family situation yesterday - it surprised me because I thought that I had victory over what some might call "stinking thinking."  I felt left out, marginalized, under-valued, avoided, with my concerns and interests ignored.  I began to imagine scenarios that were possible and built them into an imagined reality that made sense - I began to prepare and protect myself according to this new imagined reality.  It turns out, my obsessive thinking was unwarranted.  Two phone calls finally clarified the family behaviors according to a "truer" reality - I now better understood their perceptions and behaviors even though they seem odd and a tad unreasonable to me.

Would it help to work on improving my relationships with other family members?  Yes, but it takes time and requires me to offer them the dignity and respect for being just as they are.  Is it possible to develop a relationship with them without the need to fix, manage, control, change or argue opinions with them?  Yes, that's how I plan to move forward.  

The only church in town will have people who perceive the same situation or scenario in different ways.  Better relationships will improve the situations yet they'll not prevent turmoil.  Might we let them be while still working on building or mutual relationships?  Might they grow in response to good supporting relationships?   Is relationship building more fulfilling then vain attempts to build up, promote, and protect ourselves?

Just for today...

"The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word meaning to tear flesh. 'Wouldn't I feel pretty cheap if I could hear myself being played back? Wouldn't it give me some idea of my part in the family troubles?'"  One Day at a Time (p. 255)

"...when the feeling comes up, I recognize it, share about it, accept that I felt it, and then set it aside. I no longer assume that it has validity . . . Today I will take one of my assumptions about myself and hold it up to the light. I may find that it stems from habit rather than reality." Courage to Change (p. 255)