December 26th - Relationship Dance

The story...

I went to college during the disco-dance era.  Guys often met girls at parties where young men were faced with the opportunity to ask women to dance.  Like many other guys, I was a reluctant to display my lack of dancing skills amongst my peers - especially the girls who I admired from a distance.  John Travolta showed us how it was done on Saturday Night Fever - dancing experience could be a whole lotta fun.  

After college, I moved to Tennessee where they country-western danced.  They danced the 2-step and round danced to the Cotton-Eyed Joe.  I was new to Knoxville, so I went to two different churches on Sunday mornings followed by dance lessons at noon.  I wanted to be involved in community and meet my life partner - not knowing how to dance well was a barrier.  I met my life partner there in 1981 - praise God.  She was a practiced dancer who made dancing easy - she made me look and feel good.  We looked like I was leading.  I often didn't know the next step but I was safe with her.

Relationships are much like a ballroom dance where you can hold your partner in various ways.  For me, it was great when I learned to hold her loosely with subtle, yet clear, signals as to where we were moving next.  She silently let me know what she wanted to do and where to go.  When it worked well, we flowed across the floor as a unit - continuous movements that didn't feel anything like work.  The close intimate relationship on the dance floor seemed kind of like a relationship well done.

Unlike the dance floor, I had a difficult time maintaining close relationships throughout life.  I've learned relationship building and sustaining skills along the way and now greatly value the close relationships I have.  There are similarities between a good relationships and the relationship on the dance floor - a metaphor.  Why not learn how to dance, go to places where people dance, and get out there on the dance floor of life?

Strangely, some churches don't allow dancing amongst boys and girls at all.  They're worried about unwanted close relationship building - the threat.  I hope that the only church in town will encourage relationship building.  God with me, me with Him, me with them, them with me, me with him/her, and her/him with me.  It seems wise to hold them loosely and work out the most important relationship with God first - be okay.  Learn about Him, learn the dance, dance life with Him, dance with friends while holding them loosely, and enjoy the community at the dance party too.   A dance party isn't a solemn place - you'll find happiness and joy there.  Is dancing a good metaphor for the only church in town? 

Just for today...

"I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer . . . When I get the old feelings that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating in something that is not in my best interest. I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own involvement instead."  Courage to Change (p. 361)

"... it dawned on me how much of my life had been spent wanting for others to change so I could be happy."  Hope for Today (p. 361)

"I'm me; She's she - In dance; We're we."
"Subtle cue; Flow apart - Hold near; Ne'er depart."    Am I a Poet?

December 23rd - Purpose to act or react?

The story...

Habits, routines, honest personal reflection, relationship building, kindness, prayer, quiet meditation, showing respect, and a propensity for doing versus waiting have all worked well for me. This incomplete list helped me grow up.  We'd probably agree that we've erected mental models to make sense of our lives and environments.  We may not agree on just how much our models are incomplete, flawed, biased, or bent to justify what we do or believe.  Upon reflection, we'd likely agree that our efforts are flawed attempts to reflect what we want to be true.  Being more honest, maybe we'd walk toward our life's aim more humbly, thoughtfully, and peacefully than most?

How do I react to those whose ways, manners, physical characteristics, age, actions, beliefs, experiences, education, or aims are significantly different from mine?  In the future, I hope to seek to understand them more before I attempt to "help" them understand me - Steven Covey's discovered principle.  This one focus seems to enable a whole lotta other good-life stuff.

The only church in town will be a great place to meet up with co-sojourners for your life journey.  You can find friends with a common aim, who're on a similar path, that you can relate to, and are in a similar stage along the path.  It's important to work out your reality with others - there're many opportunities to love, and be loved by, most of the everybody.  Relationships and love seem to be the good stuff in life.  Good stuff is available within the only church in town - God's presence within the Body of Christ  - yes, it's q mysterious and awesome truth.

Just for today...

"I would not want this person as a friend, but I do need to work with him as a professional. I don't like him... However, . . . I treat him with the same courtesy and respect I would like him to give me, regardless of whether or not he gives it.  I let it begin with me and act rather than react."  Hope for Today (p. 358)

"Pretend thus; Want this - Selfishly smug; Treacherous kiss."
"Blow love; Ember glows - Guard lowered; Love shows."    Am I a Poet?

December 12th - Love yourself to more fully love others

The story...

Did I need to perform to be loved?  I didn't seem to match the "ideal" person that "we" wanted to be.  And, it seemed my parents were pushing me toward something better than what I was capable of being or best suited for.  I wanted to be loved but close relationships remained elusive.

Growing up, I was smarter than the average kid.  My dad had a respectful job and my needs were met.  We had a bigger boat and newer car than most. They took us on vacations - four states away and to Canada too.  They volunteered and supported our boy scouts and girl scouts activities.  They taught us to be thrifty and capable. They made sure we went to church and were prepared for college.  They did their parenting job well.  My inner man wanted to love and be loved.  Not merely do and receive loving actions; but, to actually love and be loved.  Does love like that require the intervention of God?

The only church in town will be a place where people learn to love themselves gracefully as God loves us through Christ.  These loved people will be more capable and free to love others within graceful relationships.  People will learn the grace that's the undeserved favor of God.  The indwelling Spirit of God will testify of this wonderful loving truth.. 

Just for today...

"How great is the human need for a scapegoat, someone or something to blame for our disappointments . . . at least part of my unhappiness is due to the way I reacted . . . nothing can work damage to me except myself.'"  One Day at a Time (p. 347)

"I had to deal with my old resentments . . . It took discipline and courage to stop pushing every adult away . . . I can love them for who they are, instead of who I think they should be."  Courage to Change (p. 347)

"I wasn't really aware of myself . . .When I learned to love the person I found - myself - I started to perceive and love myriad qualities in the people around me."  Hope for Today (p. 347)

"She smiled; We laughed - The touch; Melding hearts."
"Must keep; Pretend lover - Fades away; Under cover."   Am I a Poet?

December 9th - Being loved and loving

The story...

I've often discussed and pontificated on what both the good life is and how it might be obtained.  Why not "try" to work out our good-life code each day?  The list of reasons, why not to try, is long and not so distinguished: contrary feelings, secret hopes, distant relationships, jealousy, security needs, broken body, haunting memories, thoughts of grandeur, whimsical fantasies, failings of others, the next new thing, boredom, laziness, discouragement...  I've come to terms with the idea that I'm not naturally good - I need intervention in order to be the "good" man whom I've enjoyed being with on occasions. 

So, when do I find myself good?  I'm good when I'm loved and loving.  But, we don't seem lovable by nature.  Is love truly a gift from God?  The power to actually love indwells those who walk rightly and humbly with Him in Christ.  Scripture led me to know that I could lovingly abide in Him despite my inborn-selfish nature.

The only church in town will proclaim that we're lovable by God, ourselves, and others when we're positioned with, and related to, the Son of Man, our Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ, the Messiah.  He alone can save us from the tyrannical rule of self.  Scripture says our sinful nature separates us from our most Holy God.  He actually paid the death penalty for sin on our behalf - I'm declared redeemed and righteous in Christ!

Just for today...

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing."  Albert Schweitzer

"I'm selfish; Sadly blue - Wanna love; Be true."
"Failed trying; Heard Thee - Trusted Him; Live free."    Am I a Poet?

November 26th - Relationship Sweet Spots - Good Vibrations

The story...

Close relationships are an important part of life - likely why this post took so many words to explain.  Relationships require an investment of my whole person for focused periods of time.  Here's the glue that seems to help them grow within my life walk:

• Who: similar personalities and journeys - ages from 35 younger to five older
• What: naturally balanced listening and sharing - share what is and may be
• Where: coffee shop, restaurant, church, or phone.
• When: monthly person-to-person - convenient time of day - one to two+ hours
• Why:  honest life shares - giving & receiving - growing together
• How: sharing equally with few unrequested opinions - like a good game of tennis

How's a strong relationship like a good game of tennis?  You share equally and often like a tennis volley with an information-packet ball.  Each is respected or you won't continue to play.  You'll periodically meet at mutually agreeable times and courts.  You'll have similar expectations for volleying conversation.  You'll accommodate your partner's quirks and limitations.  You'll enjoy returning their shot from your racquet's sweet-spot at a similar energy level.  The conversation will be invigorating as if you're fully both connected; yet, independent too.

Please don't turn the joyful relationship into a win-lose game like tennis may be.  I heard Maryland's football coach once say his team's "care factor" was excellent.  The "care factor" measure correlated closely with success.  Close friends would measure their relationships high on the care-factor scale.

The sweet-spot of the racquet is where the vibrations of the racquet cancel out and the forces are more fully transferred into the ball return.  Those vibrations are irritating, fatiguing and even harmful to our bodies.  Yes, a good conversation and a good tennis volley are similar.  We all know how fatiguing unwanted "vibes" between people can be.  Bad vibes aren't okay within a close relationship - they continually wear down, erode, and destroy relationships.

The only church in town will be one group with a kind of personality of it's own.  There'll be sub-groups that'll have their own personalities too.   Within these "purposed" groups you'll find opportunities to develop friendships with people more like you.  These relationships will be like honestly walking side-by-side through life.  Discussions will likely engage the mind, senses, feelings, inner-man, and spirit too.  When our journey strays off track, a friend can help us "wake up" and return to the better way.

We're blinded to spiritual reality when we focus on ourselves and ignore who we actually are as creatures - creatures created by a living and active God.  He's interested and powerfully working through our todays, tomorrows, and our eternal future too - He says so.  Experiencing a relationship with Him in Christ is like no other - "I'm with Him."

Just for today...

"... we don't tell anybody what to do. People only accept and use advice they're ready for . . . When I am asked for advice, I know only what I would do if I were faced with the same problem, and not what would be right for another."  One Day at a Time (p. 331)

"I learned to trust no one, to stay silent at all costs, to stuff my feelings, never to stand up for myself, to take on more responsibility than I could handle, to love conditionally, and to tell white lies to cover up my home life. No wonder as an adult I perceived that close interpersonal relationships were like constantly moving targets.  Usually I was the one who was moving because I lacked the skills to develop and maintain healthy adult relationships."  Hope for Today (p. 331)

"He serves; She receives - Returns follow; Swings adapt."
"Volley sustained; Connected pair - Two as one; Wholly together."   Am I a Poet?

November 22nd - Rightly related to God?

The story...

I prefer a day: waking up at a consistent time with thankfulness; planning for & doing good; being honest - grounded in reality; loving me & others; exercising my body & mind - strengthening and stretching each; saying yes more than no; being quiet; dispatching potentially obsessive thinking within five minutes; tuning into my virtual spiritual radio - albeit the station's "staticy;" giving; being kind & receiving kindness; feeding my body & soul; seeking to understand before being understood; walking forward on my pilgrimage alongside close friends; and being a person through whom God is active.  Yet, my free will chooses to do differently each day.  Why?

My noble motives for behaving differently, even in the opposite direction, include my: need to be safe from harm; personal protection boundaries; scarcity of resources; American dream of the good life; acceptance by others; need to fix, manage, and control other people towards my vision of "our" good; avoiding fears from the past, present, and future; desire to receive good grades from the judge(s); escape from unfavorable circumstances; pain avoidance; telling of my good life story; loyalty to my family; and justifications for the way things are - "justified."

I expect that the first paragraph is about being rightly related to God and the second paragraph is about self protection and promotion.  The first paragraph was possible because my unholy self nature was judged, and found wanting.  I was redeemed and reconciled with God Himself in Christ - "I'm with Him." My part was believing on God and His great redemptive work in Christ.

The second paragraph characterizes me working out life by me and for me.  Thankfully, my conscience and the Spirit of God convicts me of this wrong way of being before I cause too much harm.  He restores me daily in a loving way.  My life seems to be continuing cycles of restoration that're heading in a good direction - like we might expect a loving Father to do for those who are His.

The PDCA model is good - yet, different - standardizing & sustaining change

The only church in town will learn and know that they can respond to His calling and be His.  They'll find fellow pilgrims to walk together with through life's circumstances.  Yes, a continuing series of restorative cycles that strengthen our need for receiving love from our heavenly Father - that kind of love is infectious - It can't sit still.  Love spreads far and wide - reflects His Light everywhere.

Just for today...

"Half an hour's meditation is essential except when you are very busy. Then a full hour is necessary."  Francis de Sales

"First I need to develop a relationship with God . . . Next, I learn to become at peace with myself . . .  I can't be that person when I'm overly controlled by guilt, fear, and resentment and negligibly aware of my gifts and talents . . . Lastly, I start acting responsibly toward others."  Hope for Today (p. 326)

"...conflicting views become merely different views, so our problems can be solved with tolerant understanding and mutual respect."  One Day at a Time (p. 326)

"What's to be; Anxious mind's plea - Presently abiding; Placid deep sea."   Am I a Poet?

November 20th - Why listen to uncomfortable realities?

The story...

"What's my husbands name? . . . Do you even know how many kids I have? . . . Do you care? . . . It's all about you."  This was the stinging message that I heard from one of my trusted reports.  She was making the claim that I cared for what she could produce and not truly for her as a person.  Whoa . . . the facts were clearly true . . . but wasn't the workplace suppose to be about work, accomplishment, and my objectives?  Wait, I meant to say "our" objectives - or did I?  As a supervisor, I wasn't suppose to get too close or have favorites - was I?  I could've justified my behaviors but it didn't sit well - I knew she was speaking "her" truth.   Was it possible to be the same good man in all of my endeavors?

Surely there were good examples out there - real people who still had their skin on 'em - not merely a glorified biography of the ideal.  Then, a guy was transferred to my department.  His current supervisor suggested that I witness his performance appraisal delivery.  I was surprised to see a virtuous man, honestly and respectfully, delivering his performance assessment along with their mutual understanding of their working relationship.  Wow ... I wanted to be more like him.  That good man, leader, and friend of many, died a few years later from cancer - another life circumstance that hurt.

The only church in town will be built on relationships - less-guarded and more honest relationships.  Yet, we can't realistically expect to relate well with everyone or even most people.  We're all different and most are operating in a different stage of life.  The community will be okay and respect all people as they "be."  Yet, they'll share within a better way - trusting in God.

Just for today...

"Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want  to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."  George Bernard Shaw

"What about those times when I heard truths about myself that left me feeling angry, embarrassed, or upset? When given the occasion to hear or speak an uncomfortable reality, I have choices. I can hear it and grow, I can share it and grow, or I can ignore it in favor of maintaining my comfort zone."  Hope for Today (p. 325)

"Comfortably distant; Safer from hurt - Justified loneliness; His way's better."   Am I a Poet?

November 14th - My survival skills

The story...

Most of us developed survival skills to make it through K-12 - our elementary, junior, and high school years.  Was high school when I was expected to learn and experience what I needed to be a full-functioning member of society?  The graduation speech said that we had limitless potential within the United States of America.  What did I do over those 13 learning years?

• Learned to obey the teacher, complete assignments, and value good grades.
• Progressed through boy scouts to the rank of "Life Scout."
• Fulfilled the job requirements of a paper delivery boy for 4 yrs. - wasn't motivated to sell new subscriptions but faithfully delivered the papers and collected the money.
• Built a large wooden tool box, smashed my thumb with a hammer, sewed my own reversible vest, and cooked potato soup.in junior-high shop class.
• Completed drivers education and was awarded a drivers license.
• Fulfilled the requirements of a drug store general worker and delivery boy for 2 yrs.  Crashed their cars several times.
• Developed friends - mostly from band and work experiences.
• Completed all the math classes offered and survived the English classes.
• Fell in love multiple times; yet, didn't experience the boy-girl closeness that I longed for.
  
  

My High School

Who was I at that graduation ceremony?

• Accepted Christ as my Savior at eight.
• Learned a work ethic and financial skills with the money I earned.
• Distanced myself from the church - worked every other Sunday.
• Became a story-teller to better engage in groups.
• Looked for love where I thought it might be found - love remained elusive.
• Interacted socially but didn't really felt like I fit in.
• Accepted at a state college - to be an engineer.  I hoped to start over - to be somebody.
• Learned survival skills - boundaries, armor, and protective habits.

The only church in town will be the place where you can learn how your Creator revealed that you can be truly okay.  Okay with God, you, and your neighbors too.  I was so thankful, in 1980, when Steve and Marlene said to me:  "We'd like you to go to church with us - please come."

Just for today...

"I was powerless over my childhood. The survival skills that I developed made my adult life unmanageable."  Hope for Today (p. 319)

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

"Who they pretend; I am not - Don the clothes; Try as ought."
"Heart went cold; Opportunity lost - Apart from Him; Horrendous cost."   Am I a Poet?

October 22nd - Act the person you wanna be?

The story...

During my mid-life years, I went fishing to recreate.  Inevitably, I'd call my dad to tell him what happened.  I knew that he was interested in fishing, and he seemed to appreciate learning about my episodes too.  There was a sort of give-and-take in those conversations - we were both able  to "check in" with each other.

I lost most of my interest in fishing after my dad died.  Strangely, I seem to have gone fishing to reexperience good feelings from early years.  Maybe I wanted my dad to know that I was okay and that I appreciated him in a way that I could communicate.  

My dad was a good man.  Yet, he wasn't able to meet some of my significant needs.  I accepted this truth and loved him, thankfully, for who he was.

I do fish now for different reasons.  I no longer seek my dad's approval and I don't need to be fishing with another person to be fulfilled - I'm "okayer," more thankful and content.

The only church in town will be a place where you can meet a close friend, friends, community, and God within view of that bright Light that's God's revealed Word.  Why not honestly live out life within community as opposed to acting out on your own?  You're an important part of this epic story of life - why not live out your part together?

Just for today...

"Expecting him to be a nurturing person was unrealistic . . . I adopted some of his character defects as my own . . . I needed to give myself what was not in his power to give - love, acceptance, wisdom, a safe childhood, and a healthy initiation into manhood."  Hope for Today (p. 296)

"Dad's power; Knew all - Chinked armor; Dropped ball."
"Merely man; Surprised to see - Led to God; Christ in me."     Am I a Poet?

October 21st - Interfering to keep as it ought to be?

The story...

Winning a competitive game, by a significant margin, doesn't fit me.  I'd prefer to play a close game with an exciting finish - each person finishing in a positive state or condition.  I might be compelled to personal preferences like that with others - should I?

Bill Shankly's quote for competitive games - not so good in real life?

When are parent's expected to stop interfering through unwanted advice given to their kids?  Should they first receive requests or permission from their teenagers?  Sure there're necessary safety and household rules; but, when do attempts to positively influence become destructive interference?

Why not offer others the dignity and respect to work out their own lives?  We can still help by developing strong relationships that provides a safe space to walk side-by-side with - helping and sharing as needed and requested.

The only church in town will be a place to meet and grow together.  Honest, humble, and respectful relationships built around the revealed Word of God may be found.

Just for today...

"We brought many troubles on ourselves by interfering . . . Am I fearful, picturing with dread what the future will bring? I will let go and let God, and live only of this one day."  One Day at a Time (p. 295)

"I was taught that if I did what I was told without question, I would be safer and happier. In my family, obedience meant following a strict, straight line."  Hope for Today (p. 295)

"Struggling life; Twisty doubts - Secretly try; Stay or live."
"Uniquely you; Once around - His Way; Loving hands."    Am I a Poet?

October 15th - Elusive loving relationships?

The story...

A female friend shared an intimate truth with me that betrayed the trust of one of her close friends.  They must have shared their impropriety with their friend because thereafter they avoided me - I assume they both experienced embarrassment.  I actually shared the issue with a pastor to better understand how he'd successfully dealt with situations like this - my plan was to follow his lead to resolve the relationship breakdown.  Due to the intricacies of the problem, we didn't come up with a good way to resolve it and the relationship breakdown remained for about two months.  Yesterday, I saw them at church standing together, I took a risk and gave the one who shared the story a side hug and hung on.  The embarrassment seemed to melt away immediately and the situation was resolved between the three of us with much relief and smiles - I expect that we all were freed up from a sort of dark cloud that affected us all.

The only church in town would read, in the book of Genesis, the story of all people being cursed with a sin nature.  These selfish people emotionally and physically hurt each other.  They often move toward isolation as opposed to working together and demonstrating the kinds of love that we secretly crave. This sin nature resists both the giving and receiving of love.  More importantly, unresolved sin creates a barrier between God and us.  We seem left on our own trying to "do" the best we know how.

That only church would preach the good news of how God resolved our relationship barrier through the death, burial, and resurrection of our Lord Jesus the Christ - He paid the death penalty for our sin.  His resurrection proves both who He is and that we can expect resurrection too.  Through faith in the great work of Christ, our sin issue is resolved and we can walk through life humbly and honestly with God in Christ.  Man, that's good news!

Just for today...

"It seemed as though I was ricocheting off two walls, one marked 'inactive' and the other marked 'reactive.'  . . .  Impulsiveness can be as much a trap as immobility."  Hope for Today (p. 289)

"I think of forgiveness as a scissors, I use it to cut the stings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt . . . By letting go, I detach and forgive. When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me."  Courage to Change (p; 289)

"Run away; Courage wains - Lost adrift; Swirling pains."
"Kind touch; Sees me - Loved by His; Freed to be."    Am I a Poet?

September 26th - There's me, us, and you - me is me, we are we, and you are you.

The story...

We were sitting on the porch talking about two mutual friends.  One of that pair had delivered clear feedback to the other, and even set up a new personal boundary, in order to protect their friendship. My friend commented that friends do give specific personal feedback when they have to: "that's what friends do."  The next day I delivered specific personal feedback to that same friend - they reacted negatively and defensively - it was difficult to deliver the one-time feedback in a way that was received let alone acknowledged.  The exchange was difficult, uncomfortable; yet, I think it worked out best.

Maybe good friends tell their friend their perceived truth once  - not nagging or trying to persuade.  Should friends focus on the relationship and not on reforming or reframing each others minds or souls?  I think my friends have the space to share their mind and soul, as they will to, while we respect each other's "space."  I'm okay with my friends just as they are - that's a strong foundation to build on and to grow from too.  We grow together.

The only church in town would be a place where people might find truer friends who they can grow together with.  Everyone would have at least one "good" friend to walk side by side with along their journey towards that celestial city.

Just for today...

"Smugness is the very worst sin of all, I believe. It is difficult for a shaft of light to pierce the armor of self-righteousness. Many of the things I thought I did unselfishly turned out to be pure rationalizations to get my own way about something."  One Day at a Time (p. 270)

"At our wedding ceremony, the minister said, '... and the two shall become one,' and we did, 'We' became 'him.'"  Hope for Today (p. 270)

"Your soul's yours; Wonderfully you - My soul's mine; Respectfully true."
"We have stuff; Our bounded story - Built and tilled; To His glory."   Am I a Poet?

September 22nd - Pilgrim's Progress - The 1678 Christian Life Allegory

The story...

"If you're in another frustrating emotional exchange - drop the tug-of-war rope."  I remember hearing about this "tool" from another person who described it as one she used on her journey to becoming a better person.  She recalled feeling worthy of being loved and able to more fully love others too.  "Dropping the rope" seemed easy to do so I "tried it on" for a few days - the results were real good.  I shared my exuberance for the "tool" application at our next meeting.  I  was ready to "try on" more live-giving ways of living from these new friends who'd traveled a similar road.  As we listened and shared, our lives began to grow together - we seemed to be walking side-by-side as fellow sojourners towards the "Celestial City" - enjoying each other's company along the way.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The Pilgrims Progress

The only church in town will offer, those who might read Pilgrim's Progress, a better understanding of our life journey towards that celestial city.  The church will offer fellow pilgrims God's revelation about Him, faith, hope, peace, love, joy, our future, and sustenance for our most adventurous-life journey.

Just for today...

"It's a wonderful opportunity to practice giving unconditional love and support by simply listening.  Many of us hear stories that are similar to our own; others can often identify with the feelings that are expressed. Perhaps we will be reminded of where we have been and how far we have come."  Courage to Change (p. 266)

"Worrying about trifles saps my spiritual energy which I could certainly put to better use. Am I willing to waste my life in this way? . . . I will not be made uneasy by what others do, whether they intend to hurt me or not. I will not clutter up my thoughts with resentment; it would not profit me, worse it would hurt me."  One Day at a Time (p. 266)

"Sometimes I'm afraid I'll have to separate from my family members to maintain my quest for healthy living, especially when they deny and justify their unacceptable behavior . . . I am slowly learning that trying to change someone else's behavior to suit my needs is an exercise in futility and frustration. Truly profound power and peace lie in the ability to change my behavior to suit my needs . . . I can accept people as they are."  Hope for Today (p. 266)

"Seven people; Gifted lives - Family formed; Wholly abide."
"Sin separates; Drifts apart - Love lost; Isolated hurt."
"One's saved; Shares faith - Other's believe; God's work."   Am I a Poet?

September 19th - Hurt and Resentment or...

The story...

I wanted something from my dad that he couldn't give me.  Did he tell me that it was his to offer or did I just assume he could?  He engaged with my older brother in ways he didn't do with me -  maybe there was something deficient in me?  I assumed that he was a "good" moral person because he did good stuff, was an upstanding member of the community, went to church, and served multiple roles in church and community too.  His personality and gifts were different than mine and I couldn't be much like him no matter how hard I tried.  So, what did I want from him that he couldn't give?  He did give me much.

I'd like to have known what a good life looked like and that I was worthy, capable and had the power to live one out.  I'd like to have been okay with me and my unique: capabilities, talents and personality.  People of the world seemed to challenge my worth.

These guys said I had the power - I don't think they had it to give.

My dad was a good man and good dad - he helped me much and did the best he could with what he had.  I wanted a close relationship with God, my dad, with a few close friends, with my family, and eventually alongside a life partner and community too - these relationships were illusive for me. I'm so thankful for those relationships I have now.

The relationships that we need might be found within the only church in town.  Yes, you are likely to find the personalities, giftedness, and skills that you need there.   God loves those who are His and He's got the power.

Just for today...

"I thought that resentment would prevent me from ever being hurt again . . . living my life under the heavy burdens of rage and resentment were hurting me . . . I experienced a spiritual awakening in the form of a deep desire to let go of those feelings that were poisoning my life . . . I gave up my bitterness and regained my life."  Hope for Today (p. 263)

"Hurt and guilt; Stuffed away - Rear their head; Unexpected way."
"Confess and forgive; Be truer me - Freer to love; Authentically be."   Am I a Poet?

September 18th - Authentic within community

The story...

My four siblings and I lived closely together.  Each family member seemed to provide something that others lacked.  Some took on a role that partly filled a group need: Planner, Encourager, Tester, Teacher, Story Teller, Helper, Organizer, Server, Project Leader, Decision Maker, Giver, Doer etc.  Maybe that means we were a bit dysfunctional when one of the family members was gone for a period of time.  I expect that we each flexed our style in order to recover some of the lost value of our missing sibling.  It's frustrating to see siblings compare each other to evaluate who is the "best" or to try to fulfill a "best" image that the family has conjured up.  It seems better to appreciate the value of the "we" and enjoy each other as they are.  It's a good thing to be okay with who you are - this state of being authentic seems like a sound foundation for continual growth within the "good life."

It would be a shame if there was a family code that drove all members to live, think and act in similar ways according to a "best" standard.  "If I could just fix _____ then I'd be okay" - ugh.

People new to the only church in town would learn about the Body of Christ,   There, they may appreciate unique characteristics, talents, and gifts which form God's called out group of people according to His will (1 Corinthians 12).  Each person would be valued and offered the opportunity to engage in the church community.  The church would be a place where people serve their role in something bigger and better than any one person could possibly do or be.

Just for today...

"Too often my memory has given me sadness, bringing back past hurt and shame. But now I can use my memory to see the progress I have made and to know the joy of gratitude."  Courage to Change (p. 262)

"Wanna be liked; Mostly loved - Safe from fear; Part of whole."   Am I a Poet?

September 12th - "I was just trying to help . . . my intentions were good."

The story...

Bill recommended I attend an AMA, American Management Association, new-manager seminar in Chicago.  I wanted to be and do my best in my new manager role.  What new tools and methods might I learn?  I left the seminar with a small book that included phrases that could be inserted into performance appraisals if you couldn't think of the right message - I don't remember actually using the book although it felt good to have it on hand.

I wish that a mentor would've noticed my tendency to get into other people's business.  Sure my intentions were good - I wanted to "help" them to be that "better" more "capable" person that I imagined they could be.  When they had personal trouble, I tended to delve into their lives to "better" understand their situation, offer advise, and became involved in their work to "help" them along.  It seemed that I was hoping for a sort of co-dependent relationship where they valued my part in their "growth."

Once, a high-performing engineer, in my group, was going through a personal situation that was significantly affecting his work.  My efforts to intervene, with good intentions, were not working.  A wiser, and more experienced, manager called me out on my "coddling," intrusive, and "Christian like" intervention.  "You aren't helping him, you're enabling him to stay as he is and fail.  Hold him accountable for the results, be available if he needs support, and get out of his way."   The new approach worked and I changed my "management" style thereafter.  I adopted a pattern of giving each person the dignity; respect; needed-support; and freedom to fulfill their roles, responsibilities, and assignments.  The new management behaviors were good, reasonable, more natural, and better results followed.   Some were not successful and moved on to a job or organization that was a better fit.  

I wish I'd have adapted some of those principles within my personal life too.  I eventually did, yet it took years for me to habitually offer most people the dignity and respect to be the unique person that they were without my "good intentioned" interference.  I no longer concocted and pushed ways for them to be who I thought they "oughta" be.  I saw myself acting like a little god - ugh.

The only church in town would allow people to more honestly live out their lives starting with where they actually are.  Honest relationships would be available to help them work out their lives alongside other people above a foundation of truth. It seems to take people a lotta time to grow - much longer than you'd ever expected.  The only church in town would be a patient, honest, loving, and respectful environment where God's will may be witnessed.

Just for today...

"She is getting unconscious satisfaction from managing other people's lives, while she imagines her intentions are only good . . . Heaven protect me from my good friends who, with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, an justify my complaints."  One Day at a Time (p. 256)

"Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, then deciding what we will do about it . . . I will give myself time to accept my situation before I act." Courage to Change (p. 256)

"Cretan today; Pious tomorrow - Chameleon act; Deflated hope."   Am I Poet?

September 11th - Relationships worth the effort?

The story...

I obsessively thought about a family situation one day - it surprised me because I thought that I had victory over what some might call "stinking thinking."  I felt left out, marginalized, under-valued, and avoided - my concerns and interests ignored.  I began to imagine scenarios that were possible and built them into an imagined reality that made sense - I began to prepare and protect myself according to this new imagined reality.  It turns out, my obsessive thinking was unwarranted.  Two phone calls finally clarified the family behaviors according to a "truer" reality - I now better understood their perceptions and behaviors even though they seemed odd and a tad unreasonable to me.

Would life be better with improved family member relationships?  Yes, but it takes time and requires me to offer them the dignity and respect for being just as they are.  Is it possible to develop a relationship with them without the need to fix, manage, control, change or argue opinions with them?  Yes!

The only church in town will have people who'll perceive the same situation or scenario differently.  Better relationships will improve the situations yet they'll not prevent turmoil.  Might we let them be while still working on building our mutual relationships?  Might they grow in response to good supporting relationships?  Might we actually enjoy and appreciate each person as uniquely gifted?   Is relationship building more fulfilling then vain attempts to build up, promote, and protect ourselves?

Just for today...

"The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word meaning to tear flesh. 'Wouldn't I feel pretty cheap if I could hear myself being played back? Wouldn't it give me some idea of my part in the family troubles?'"  One Day at a Time (p. 255)

"...when the feeling comes up, I recognize it, share about it, accept that I felt it, and then set it aside. I no longer assume that it has validity . . . Today I will take one of my assumptions about myself and hold it up to the light. I may find that it stems from habit rather than reality." Courage to Change (p. 255)

" Ignored alone; Momma loved we -  Loved a girl; Why couldn't she?"
"Start with me?; Where to begin? - Loving me?; Deal with sin?"
"Honester and Truer; Hearts restore - Peacefully aligned; Christ The core."   Am I a Poet?

September 7th - Do you actually "know" the territory?

The story...

A preacher once shared a transformational story with me.  It went like this: He was traveling across country, with two other pastors, as they discussed the difference between people knowing about God and actually enjoying a close fruit-bearing relationship with Him.  He likened the situation to knowing all about London, his home town, yet never actually living or even visiting.  You could know the map or zoom in on Google map images in fine detail.  You may know about key historical events, learn their language, practice their customs, dress like them, and even cook the same food.  Yet, you'd never really know the territory - what it's like to "be" part of a particular London neighborhood.

Pastor Henry Hudson

Most of us have spent a lotta time in classrooms learning about things; memorizing facts; understanding how things relate to each other; and applying some.  We may even feel we've mastered a subject without actually stepping into the territory.  I hope this isn't where people leave their faith journey.

Scripture confirms that God provided a way for His creatures to enjoy an intimate relationship with Him.  The relationship can be so close that we may even refer to Him as daddy - "Abba Father."  Many people hear this truth, understand the possibility, and memorize the verses; yet, they haven't actually experienced the relationship.  

People attending the only church in town might reasonably expect to witness the power of God actually worked out through His people.  They'd hear about ongoing prayer and quiet meditation being a natural part of that relationship.  They'd experience actual fruit of: love, joy, peace, patience. goodness, kindness, gentleness and self control.  Those who walk more honest and humbly with God would more naturally live out the life they've been given.  Yes, the Body of Christ worked out in reality.  Each person witnessing and experiencing faith in God's Word worked out together.

Just for today...

"Eventually I felt more comfortable with my abilities and discovered talents I didn't know I had. I even began to feel capable of doing what was asked of me. Before I realized it, I was the one giving loving guidance. It took some time to see, but I had become a leader."  Hope for Today (p. 251)

"Eye followed; Across the bar - Led another; Went too far."
"Heard wrong;  Recalled fact -  True North; Dropped the act."    Am I a Poet?

September 3rd - Why not enjoy other people as they are?

The story...

I sat down at the table with only one person sitting there.  It seemed rude to squeeze in with my friends when this guy was by himself.  He seemed uncomfortable, with me sitting with him, yet appreciated the company.  Another guy sat with us too.  Neither of them seemed to want to listen to my take on the questions and topics posed to the group - they've heard me freely express my thoughts, ideas and will before.  So, I focused on better understanding each of them without stepping out to share my own perspectives which I've refined over the years.  The conversation was smooth and balanced - everybody seemed to win.  Better lifestyle practices were worked out - less opinionating, pontificating or recommending.  It felt good for my behavior and intentions to be more aligned; yes, I seemed to be more true to me and to the group too.  

Can we actually care for others rather than merely "trying?"  It seems easy to do but I expect even our most focused efforts would be less fruitful, and take much longer, than imagined.  Might we "actually" love our neighbors as ourselves?

Teddy Roosevelt - A really good listener

The only church in town will be a place to develop meaningful relationships to walk more honestly through life with.  Most importantly, our relationship with "That in Which There is No Greater."

Just for today...

"I realized that there was little I could change about the situation. All I could change was my response to it."  Hope for Today (p. 247)

"What am I doing that creates difficulties for me or aggravates the ones I have? Could it be that I'm trying to fix everything by finding fault with somebody else?"  One Day at a Time (p. 247)

"Strive to be patient; bear with the faults and frailties of others, for you, too, have many faults which others have to bear. If you cannot mould yourself as you would wish, how can you expect other people to be entirely to your liking? For we require other people to be perfect, but do not correct our own faults." Tomas Kempis - The Imitation of Christ (Ch. 16)

"I'm a itchen; Change you must - I'd still itch; We'd distrust."   Am I a Poet?

September 2nd - Engage in community already - growing together is real good.

The story...

We rode our bicycles to Grand Haven and participated in the Coast Guard parade.  We seemed to fit in with our bike clothes as we squeezed along the parade route.  There were so... many people who seemed to've planned to feel and do good that day.  You could see and feel expectations of happiness with their decorations, sandwiches, red-white-blue clothes, and generally happy, gabby and cheering natures - throngs of like-minded people.  They were excited by the bands, small-floats, old-guys on small Cushman scooters, small lollipops, clowns, Coast Guard helicopters roaring overhead, and being together.  A woman threw me a stack of t-shirts that I passed out and wore - I felt engaged within community.  I'm reexperiencing some of the joy and happiness as I recall the event.  Thank you Grand Haven - ya done real good!

I expected good and received that good along with the unexpected too.  I might've worried about how I'd be accepted by the group - possibly marginalized, or reexperiencing prior feelings of rejection.  The 44-mile bike ride had it's associated risks yet we accepted them.  What if the people I went with didn't want to do or go according to my will?  No, I was fully engaged in the "now," within community, and my self-focused will was virtually locked up - chained and left with the bikes next to that big tree.

Why not risk letting down your guard and living a kinder and more engaging life?  Be among people, interact, learn, grow and experience the giving and receiving of love - together.  As for me and my house, the only church in town is the place where the good stuff of life's available - 52 weeks per year.

Just for today...

"If I am expectant of good, it will surely come to me. Even the grace of courtesy gives rich immediate rewards in response . . . Concern, love and kindness on my part will be reflected in everything that takes place in my life." One Day at a Time (p. 246)

"Reaction zone; This I wonder - Hyper over; Hypo under."
"Receive more; React less - Workin together; We're best."   Am I a Poet?