September 15th - What if I don't react?

The story...

"When somebody engages you in an emotional interaction that's fueling painful reactions - drop the rope - quit playing the game of tug of war."  I remember hearing this advice and contemplating the potential value.  Refuse to play in arguments and emotional bondage exchanges - drop the rope and diffuse the virtual tug of war.  I applied this wisdom for a few weeks and I was surprised how often I'd been falling into the trap of debating opinions and arguing against another person's perspective, life view, or opinion.  Alternatively, I could demonstrate respect for the other person by listening to and seeking to understand them - I didn't have to agree or disagree with them.  I could show love and respect for me while allowing them to be who they were too - a better way to begin a relationship that might help both parties actually grow.

Three Mile island - Reactor meltdown

Even if you believe you won the argument, the old adage remains: "Convince me against my will and I will be of the same opinion still."   People within the only church in town will frequently be at different stages of their life - I hope that they'd meet patience and grace along the way.

Just for today...

"Some of us have a constant drive to do something about everything that happens, everything that someone says to us . . . When I react, I put the control of my peace of mind in the hand of others."  One Day at a Time (p. 259)

"Nothing is good or bad, it is thinking that makes it so."  William Shakespeare

May 7th - The Delivery Held Back

The story...

I worked a delivery boy job, at a drug store, for about two years while in high school.  We were paid a fixed sum each week.  If there were more deliveries than normal then I stayed late along with the pharmacists who prepared the deliveries.  On one exceptionally late night, an emotional exchange pushed me to say "I Quit."  I actually didn't get the last word fully out.  The owner said "Rommel, what was it that you said?"  Thankfully, I stammered and said "nothing."

I liked the job, my boss, my co-workers, the customers, and the independence that the job offered.  I'm so... thankful that I didn't fully react to the emotions that were boiling inside me.  

I looked at the store's website while writing this post. I saw: the same pharmacist counter where they assembled my deliveries, the Fountain where the regulars sat on their stools and swapped stories, the front windows that I washed on Saturday afternoons...  The experiences helped develop the independent, more capable and interpersonal me - I'm so... thankful for all of them and cherish the memories. Yes, I'm glad I held back that last emotionally laden word.

The Delivery Car - Color was actually dark green

There will be disagreements and emotionally-charged exchanges within the only church in town.  Maybe forgiveness would happen more quickly and completely since there'd be no other church to run away to.  I expect that even heated exchanges would better the people, their relationships and, more importantly, their trust in God.  I'm so... thankful that I've worked out my life with others in my church for about 40 years.  Like staying on with the drug store, I'm so thankful that I didn't run away from an emotional exchange - we worked 'em out together - "praise the Lord."

Just for today...

"What others say or do may bring up feelings, but I need to remember they are my feelings. I am responsible for what I do with them."  Hope for Today (p. 128)

"I know that improved health in one family member can have a profound effect on the rest of the family."  Courage to Change (p. 128)

"We help best by inspiring people to think through and solve their own problems." One Day at a Time (p. 128)

March 27th - Retribution

The story...

I was living in my college dorm room with my 10-gallon aquarium.  I'd cared for my ten neon tetras for three quarters - everybody knew how much I liked them.  One day, I unlocked my door, walked over to my aquarium and saw only one two big fish that weren't my neons.  "These are his fish. This must be a prank.  He must have switched the fish between our tanks as a joke."   I ran down the hallway and pounded on his door.  "WHERE ARE MY FISH?" He felt my anger, we went to see the tank site together, and he admitted that he put his fish in my aquarium while he was cleaning his.  "I'm sorry."  

What happened within the next five minutes embarrasses me now.  I reacted quickly and took both of the fish out of the aquarium to chop them into pieces to expose my ten dead fish.  I had my retribution yet my friend and I were both left with negative feelings and emotions.  There was resolution yet my conscience said "you done wrong."

My 3-year old Neon

Is there a place for retribution within the only church in town?  There'll be situations where people will be justified for taking retribution.  I wish I'd forgiven my friend for his honest, yet unthinking, act.  Might I've shown mercy to those two simple fish that were just doing what they were created to do?   My character in this epic story of life might've been a tad better - maybe?

Just for today...

"I will guard against looking for flaws in others; I will try to see what is good in them." One Day at a Time (p. 87)

"It takes a great deal of effort for me to extend compassion to certain people . . . It means letting go of resentments, resulting from unrealistic expectations."  Hope for Today (p. 87)

December 6th - Can you help me make sense of my emotions without reacting?

The story...

They made a rude and self-centered verbal attack on the character of a person who I deeply cared for.  Multiple emotions rushed into my mind.  I reacted quickly by cutting down the speaker with sharp and hurtful words - my message couldn't be ignored and our relationship was damaged.  The exchange may have been justified yet the relationship damage was hurtful and painful.  An emotionally intelligent person may have used the conversation as a means to more subtly allow the other person to see their error and deal with it in their own way - saving face.

I've heard it said that our emotions will last about 90 seconds if we don't feed them.  If that's true, then within 90 seconds we can choose to either: ignore the feeling, pretend it isn't real, evaluate it rationally, equate it with another feeling, choose to remember it for later reference, react positively or negatively to it, or begin the recurring process of obsessively thinking about it.  Oh... how many hours I've painfully wasted obsessively thinking about a relationships gone bad.

Might we put each emotion out in the light of day and examine it in real time - it'll be gone in 90 seconds.  Often I'm surprised at a reality it's exposed - often one that I've ignored.  Emotions are truly another sense that we've been gifted with - part of the joy of being uniquely human.  This is one lesson that I wish a benefactor would have decided and endeavored to teach me - my need to understand my emotions must've been obvious to some.  Maybe they saw that I needed to be "broken" first.

The only church in town will contain wise and capable mentors who'll be able to meet us where we are - by the grace of God.  Those who can relate to our position and condition as it more truly is.  They'll care because of the grace bestowed on them by "That Than Which There is No Greater" in Christ - gracefully.

Just for today...

"Anger can give me an illusion of power. For a little while I may feel I have control over my situation and over other people, but that kind of false security always lets me down."  Courage to Change (p. 341)

"He needs much help who thinks he can compel others to do what seems right to him."  One Day at a Time (p. 341)

December 4th - Value feelings without them controlling

The story...

In my college cafeteria, I picked up my banana split and threw it across the table at a "friend" who wouldn't stop throwing peas in it.  I witnessed my best friend yell at a fast-food window because "they" were "making us" late.  I threw the phone across the room and it smashed into the fireplace.  I insisted that the group fish the way that I thought was best even though the group didn't want to.  I picked up my toys and I went home.  A person who I cared about was acting irrationally and I didn't pause to think why.  I wonder if my life would've been less difficult and more fulfilling if I'd better understood and considered our emotions - to be more emotional intelligent. 

Colman A (2008) described Emotional intelligence (EI) as "the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can recognize their own emotions and those of others, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, and adjust emotions to adapt to environments."  Emotions sound like a power that a "Super Hero" might have.  To ignore them, pretend they don't exist, treat them as unwanted noise, or react to them without thinking, seems foolish and even irrational.

I expect that Boy Scouts had to be emotionally intelligent in order to follow their oath.  "A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent."  Yeah, I was a Boy Scout and wanted to be like that then as I still do today.

The only church in town will be a group of people with the same "North Star" guiding them - faith in God and His provision for us His creatures.  They'll have different resources, capabilities, backgrounds, personalities, emotional intelligence...   And, their sins that cause hurt and pain will be like "grit" that erodes and scars relationships - our emotions will confirm the presence of both sin and love.  Maybe sin's presence will lead the group to receive God's grace, love and mercy with great joy.

Just for today...

"I am a wealth of contradictions. I can value all of my feelings without allowing them to dictate my actions. Today I can feel anger toward someone and still love them. I can feel afraid of new experiences, yet move forward toward them. I can survive being hurt without giving up on love. And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again."  Courage to Change (p. 339)

November 8th - Do I truly perform to get that reaction?

The story...

I've been the story teller as long as I can remember.  I've thought that it was a personality gift that helps the group enjoy being together and to remember the past too.  Yet, maybe my primary motive was to see your reaction - the one that means you accept me - maybe even like me.  Do I really need your validation?  Why?

Where do I get my sense of self worth?  Does it come from my resources, my resume, my family lineage, my intellect, body, physical health, ideas about God, how I adorn my body, awards, job titles, academic degrees, competitive game performance, religious activity, or being well liked by "the group?"

The only church in town will offer God's revealed way for honestly loving you, God your Father, and your neighbor as yourself.  You can be okay within life's changing circumstances - bearing fruit that you haven't conjured up on your own.

Just for today...

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13 NASB

"'I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.' What a terrific exercise! It helps me break free of the habit of doing kind or generous things in order to get something back."  Courage to Change (p. 313)

"We both acquired the unhealthy aspects of martyrdom, managing, manipulating, and mothering . . . Today I manage my own life, not the lives of others."  Hope for Today (p. 313)

"Love of self . . . carries out the Commandment: 'Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.' We can love others, and help them, only when we are at peace with ourselves."  One Day at a Time (p. 313)

November 7th - "Think, what you're trying to do with me."

The story...

Why did I quickly react to people and the unexpected?  Once, there was a XL bear that was moving into our campsite deep within the Boundary Waters of Minnesota.  I was quickly on alert with an adrenaline rush.  What do I do?  He, or she, didn't look like they cared much for what I had to say or my position on the situation - they wanted our food.  There was his will (food), my will (self-preservation), and God's will.   

We resorted to our training - we, banged our aluminum pans to the point that they were deformed, missed with the only rock nearby, and finally made it to the canoe and out on the water.  Whose will was that?

The only church in town would be patient with people - slow to react.  The love of Christ, and His grace towards His body of believers, will characterize the personality of the group.  Yes, the group would have a personality - the personality of their Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ.   Yes, they'll have inherent sin natures that may look similar to the personality of the world they live in - they'll need love, grace and frequent reminders of who they actually are in Christ.

Just for today...

Before reacting: "I stop and visualize two doors. One is marked 'Same old, same old,' or 'My will.'  The other is marked 'New and different' or 'God's will.'  This gives me time to 'Think' and to choose a healthier response . . . other people's behavior belongs to them and I don't have to make it mine by reacting to it."  Hope for Today (p. 312)

"Ironically, when I give up worrying about everyone else and focus on my own health, I give others the freedom to consider their own recovery."  Courage to Change (p. 312)

September 23rd - They repeatedly cut me off - like sticking fingers in their ears

The story...

I recently attended an event with a group of people who I haven't met with for a few years.  As we worked out the socially acceptable conversation, it seemed they didn't want to hear my perspective, ideas, or story.  The frequent interruptions seemed to validate my take on this group thing - it appeared that I was violating their norms, values, and unwritten code of acceptable behavior.  It was almost as though the scene was and act in a play and that we were all suppose to act out our assigned roles. The "play" must go on as it has in the past.  Maybe the group was saying: "We've been just fine and dandy and we will not allow you to disrupt our patterns with your big, idealistic, ideas of how we might be better off according to you."  They wouldn't be wrong, I didn't want to be an actor in this play and I don't want to journey down their accepted path that seems to lead to something less than what I hope for.

I did deliver my messaging, although frequently interrupted, without overtly challenging what seemed to be rude and disrespectful behavior on their parts.  I felt rejected by the group and experienced feelings that might have propelled me to quickly react in disrespectful ways - I'm thankful that I showed respect and didn't react negatively.  I don't have to accept future invitations to return.

The only church in town will preach the Word of God - His Word will frequently conflict with the reality of how congregants are behaving and acting out their lives.  People will be free to work out their faith in reality amongst like-minded people within community.

Just for today...

"One of my character defects is to respond in kind to behavior that is directed to me - to react to insults with more insults, to rudeness with rudeness . . .  If I am always reacting then I am never free."  Courage to Change (p. 267)

"I will not try to outwit or outmaneuver anyone else, but will proceed quietly to live my life so I will have less reason for self-reproach. I will withdraw my mind from what others do, and think of what I am doing. I will not react to challenging words and actions."  One Day at a Time (p. 267)

"When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger."  Epictetus