September 12th - "I was just trying to help . . . my intentions were good."

The story...

Bill approved my attending an AMA, American Management Association, new manager seminar in Chicago.  I wanted to be and do my best in my new manager role.  What new tools and methods might I learn?  I left the seminar with a small book that included phrases that could be inserted into performance appraisals if you couldn't think of the right message - I don't remember actually using the book yet it felt good to have it on hand.

I wish that a mentor would've noticed my tendency to get into other people's business.  Sure my intentions were good - I wanted to "help" them to be that "better" more "capable" person that I imagined they could be.  When they had personal trouble, I tended to delve into their lives to "better" understand their situation, offer advise, and even to become involved in their work in order to "help" them along.  It seemed that I was hoping for a sort of co-dependent relationship where they valued my part in their "growth."

Thankfully I had a high performing, capable, person reporting to me who was going through a personal situation that was significantly affecting his work.  My efforts to intervene, with good intentions, were not working.  A wiser, and more experienced, manager called me out on my "coddling," intrusive, and "Christian like" intervention.  "You aren't helping him, you're enabling him to stay as he is and fail.  Hold him accountable for the results, be available if he needs support, and get out of his way."   The new approach worked and I changed my "management" style thereafter.  I adopted a pattern of giving each person the dignity; respect; necessary support; and freedom to fulfill their roles, responsibilities, and assignments - it was good, reasonable, more natural, and better results followed.   Some were not successful and moved on to a job or organization that was a better fit.  

I wish I'd have adapted some of those principles within my personal life too.  I eventually did, yet it took years for me to habitually offer most people the dignity and respect to be the unique person that they were without my "good intentioned" interference, "designed by me" to help them be who I thought they "oughta" be.  I was acting like a little god - ugh.

The only church in town would allow people to more honestly live out their lives starting with where they actually are.  Healthy relationships would be available to help them work out their lives alongside other people according to righteous principles and truth. It seems to take people a lotta time to grow - much longer than you'd ever expected.  The only church in town would be a patient, loving, and respectful environment where God's will is witnessed within reality.

Just for today...

"She is getting unconscious satisfaction from managing other people's lives, while she imagines her intentions are only good . . . Heaven protect me from my good friends who, with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, an justify my complaints."  One Day at a Time (p. 256)

"Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, then deciding what we will do about it . . . I will give myself time to accept my situation before I act." Courage to Change (p. 256)

August 27th - DETATCHMENT

The story...

It was a hard and long process for me to form boy-girl relationships and they were even harder and longer to end.  Maybe I was expecting a level of love and attachment that wasn't reasonable or good for either of us.  How did I set expectations for my "true love" relationship?  I don't know the answer.  It's possible that they were good for an ideal world; yet, this world, and the people who work out their lives here, aren't ideal.

Do I need your help and approval in order to be okay?  If I say yes, then my level of "okayness" is tied to your "okayness" with both you and me - ugh.  If I say no, then I have the possibility of being okay with me and freeing you to be okay too.  Might we offer others the freedom and dignity to live out their own lives?

A helpful model came to me from Donald Miller's book "Scary Close," (pp. 206,207).  He illustrates a relationship with three floor pillows: my pillow, our relationship pillow, and your pillow.  The only person who steps on your pillow is you - your soul - same for my pillow.  Both of you can step on the middle pillow because you agreed to be in a relationship.

"Codependency happens when too much of your sense of validation or security comes from somebody else . . . What goes on in the other person's soul is none of your business. All you're responsible for is your soul, nobody else's. Regarding the middle pillow, the question is, 'What do I want in a relationship?' . . . What's going on in other people's minds is none of your business."

"Scary Close." My original notes

 What would the only church look like if they focused on the gospel, the good news, learning and living together and not on changing other people's minds?  Actually, working out their right relationship with God in Christ versus changing their minds related to the theology that "we" believe in?

Just for today...

"I wasn't really admitting my powerlessness or I wouldn't keep trying to control everyone or everything around me . . . Not my will but Your will."  Courage to Change (p. 240)

"...my skill in detaching rested on my ability to accept my own thoughts and feelings and to become comfortable with myself . . . Because my fate - my very life - was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and to listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to exercise control."  Hope for Today (p. 240)

"We are free to refuse to be hurt by a spiteful remark or malicious action. So the whole matter really rests with us. The choice of accepting or rejecting an offense is ours alone . . . What can words do to me unless I take them to heart?"  One Day at a Time (p. 240)

June 12th - Freedom from Co-Dependency

The story...

I grew up believing that we were right and they were wrong.  Those who were different were dummies.  Follow our rules and code and distance yourself from others who think or behave differently - the group had the right opinion about everything.  My rebellious personality enabled me to break free and experience a broader scope of ideas, behaviors and ways for working out my life.  Thank goodness that I sought to understand others and was curious about their ways of living.  However, like a good soldier, I gravitated toward accepting a set of rules for working out my Christian life.  Yet, I rebelled along the journey - oh... yet for the grace of God and His pursuit of me.

Robert Subby (1984) defined Co-Dependency as "An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."

Melody Beattie (1992) described how she spent most of her time worrying about people and trying to figure out how to control them - manipulation seemed for her like the only way to get things done. She  later realized that she needed to take care of herself first and allow others the dignity to live out their own lives.

The only church in town might focus on the greatest commandments:  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.  And, love your neighbor as yourself.  Attenders would learn how they might find freedom from the co-dependency fostered by a set of legalistic rules designed to control congregate behavior.  Shame and guilt replaced by grace and love.  The presence of the Spirit of Christ would validate the reality of the gospel.  People with right relationships with their Creator and maybe a few people too.

Just for today...

"I discovered how much I wanted other people to change so that I could be happy."  Hope for Today (p. 164)

Beattie, M., (1992). Codependent No More - How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself.

Mr. Stewart describes what it is like to live a life in Christ as opposed to reducing the Apostle Paul's revelations into a set of rules for living the Christian life.  This book was like a wonderful breath of fresh air for my spirit.  Stewart, J. S. (1935). A Man in Christ - The Vital Elements of St. Paul's Religion

May 18th - Are you trying to fix, manage, and control another?

The story...

So, I was uncomfortable with the pain that another was going through.  It seemed like I was "helping" them by working out a plan for their life, giving them that subtle suggestion, that tearful hug, that offer to help, that vision of who I think they might be if they would just...   If it were me, or when I was in a situation like that, I would...  The offer was to live vicariously through me and not try to work it out on their own - "you just aren't capable of 'winning' in the game of life on your own - you need me."

It's a good thing to see a person grow from dependence, to independence, and then on to interdependence - a fully functioning independent member of community.  There are many people that think it's just too risky to let others live their lives without their co-management, influence, and control - "you need me!"  Who might they have been if they were respected and shown the dignity necessary for them to work out their own life alongside others? 

Do these girls have a chance?  Backyard 4/02/23

Nobody wants to see people struggle within the only church in town.  Many think they're called to interfere and counsel others toward their version of the life style that they too are trying to live as they oughta.  Might they be advising them away from the narrower good path and on towards the wider and well worn "safer" path?

They're God's kids - he desires a fully-functioning relationship with them.  Why not rest and let them?

Just for today...

"Today I suspect that adversity has value I hadn't previously recognized.  When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feeling, things have a chance to improve . . . finally begun living life on life's terms."  Courage to Change (p. 139)

"He was a mechanical puppet, powered by his wife's determined will . . . it was the only way the poor man could escape from the terrible domestic powerhouse."  One Day at a Time (p. 139)

"I need to respect their right to choose, free of my interference, judgment, and control."  Hope for Today (p. 139)

March 28th - Co-Dependency

The story...

I've had close relationships with other people that didn't go well.  If they didn't feel good, or they were suffering, then I didn't feel so good and suffered.  I'd "try" to fix, manage, and control them and their situation.  The reasons for my behavior wasn't clear to me yet I expect it was primarily aimed at alleviating the pain for both me and them.  This kind of behavior may be labeled co-dependency - a type of behavior that actually enables the other person's destructive behavior.  You can check out the Wiki link or the variety of books on the subject if you need to know more.

Might a better way of living include trusting what God says is true, living by those truths, and actually being, more truthfully, the kind of person and friend you were hoping to find?  I expect that you're a best friend when you work out your own life well and allow others the respect and dignity to work out their own lives too.  They might actually catch a glimpse of God as you allow Him to indwell and work His way out through you.  Please consider the wisdom of working out your own life while humbly walking, as truthfully as possible, with God as opposed to continuing your attempts to fix, manage, and control yourself and others.

Michelangelo's Work: Adam and God's Relationship 

I expect there'll always be co-dependent relationships within the only church in town.  Yet, they'd likely fade away as the people of the church work out their faith in the Light of reality.

Just for today...

"When I trust God to give me what I need, I let go.  I face forward.  My hands are free for health, loving, and enjoyable activities. I find unexpected reserves of energy."  Courage to Change (p. 88)

January 29th - Was I nagging?

The story...

About two years ago, a fellow group member read from the Courage to Change daily reader which I've partially quoted below.  They made the claim, that they realized that their repetition of "advise," to those that they cared about, was really a thinly veiled attempt to fix, manage, and control the person whom they "cared" for.  The repeated messages implied that they didn't trust the "subject" with their own life.  Their relationship was like a  co-dependent entanglement that stunted needed growth for both parties.

When I heard her share, I was quickly convicted of a self-defeating behavior.  Why did I continue attempts to drive home my messaging?  They may have missed what I said so I repeated it in a slightly different way or tone?  They didn't seem to receive it well so I made the appeal a bit more persuasive? They didn't give me the feedback that I expected so I repeated?  Yes, I was attempting to fix, manage, or control them and they likely tuned me out.  I expect that their options were to remain co-dependent on me or to act the "rebel" and reject me and my messaging.  Strangely, I frequently acted out the role of the "rebel" when confronted with efforts to control or manipulate me.

What did I truly want for those I cared for?  Did I want them to live protected lives, like in a "zoo," or to live freely in the "jungle" of the actualities of real life?  Are the controllers imagining the freedom of others like a sort of Tarzan - out of control and heading for disaster?

The only church in town will value people moving from dependence, on their care givers, to capable-independent adults.  Clearly, moving from dependence to independence is good, yet we aren't complete on our own - the only church in town will profess the value of living in community.  The community that God offers, in-Christ, has been essential for this rebel's transition from a self-protecting/promoting one to a fruit-bearing life.  I'm free from the bondage of my old self in Christ - I'm not going to live in a self-protecting "cage" again.  Why would I strive to cage another?

Just for today...

"If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable - agrees with what I've said or takes my advice - then I know I've lost my focus."  Courage to Change (p. 29)

"I have no right to deprive anyone else of the challenge of meeting his own responsibility."  One Day at a Time (p. 29)

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

October 12th - It was for freedom...

The story...

I resented the implication that the problem with the situation seemed to be centered around me.  My actions seemed just and righteous to me - I was working to "help" solve the problem.  They seemed to be wrongly complacent by following down a path that "might" lead them to a place where "I" didn't think that "they" wanted to go.  They clearly weren't capable of living their own lives well - I wonder why?

It's easy to recognize the faults of my family members yet those faults are often true about me too.  We share the same gene pool, grew up in a similar environment, and learned from each other along the way.  Why couldn't I focus on being okay with the person that I was, and wanted to be, and allow them the same freedom too?  I expect that we were co-dependent on each other.  Maybe we misunderstood the life coping skill of co-dependency as love?

It was for freedom that Christ set us free (Galatians 5:1).  The only church in town would proclaim the freedom we can have from the tyrannical ruler "self."   They will also share scripture's path of walking humbly with God, side-by-side with other sojourners, towards the only good end on life's menu.

Just for today...

"I had to unlearn a lot of romantic nonsense in order to find a satisfying  life in the here-and-now . . .  My security cannot be based on learning 'the rules,' because once I learn them they change. With God's help, I will find some security in being exactly where I am today."  Courage to Change (p. 286)

"Sometimes what I perceive as a threat is something I've conjured up in my own mind . . . I've learned to distinguish between real and imagined threats. I've learned to recognize and respect others' boundaries. I'm also able to discern when it's wiser for me to remain open to someone I love and trust even when I want to close up out of fear."  Hope for Today (p. 286)