November 6th - Being respectful within community

The story...

If they all jumped off a bridge - would you jump off too?  It's a frustrating truth that people often adapt to the group - try to fit in.   The Asch Conformity experiment confirms this frustrating behavior often exhibited by us humans.  Maybe that's partly why this is one of my favorite jokes - trying to fit in with the group...

Three construction guys are sittin on an I-beam, on top of a tall building project - they're eating their lunch. 
The Italian says: “If I get another pastrami sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building.”
The other two guys stare at him for awhile and return to their lunches.

The guy from Ohio says: "If I get another egg-salad sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump of this building." The other two guys stare at him for a while and return to their lunches.

The guy from California hesitates, pauses, and says: "If I get another peanut-butter sandwich tomorrow, then . . . I'm going to jump off this building tomorrow too."

The next day the Italian opens up his lunch  box and disgustingly sees the pastrami, he yells "Mamma Mia!," stands up, and jumps to his death.  The other two guys can't believe what's just happened.

The Ohioan opens his box, sees the egg-salad sandwich - he immediately jumps off to his demise too. 

The Californian is now alone, he slowly opens his box to see the peanut-butter sandwich.  He stands up and jumps over the edge like the other two guys.

Three days later at their funerals, the Italian's wife says “I thought he like those pastrami sandwiches - if he only would have told me.”  The Ohioan's wife says “It is all my fault. I thought he loved egg-salad.”  The Californian's wife says “I just don’t get it, he made his own lunches.”

Wikipedia

The only church in town will guard against the perils of group think.  What a sad state it is when people pretend to be somebody they aren't or claims the untrue.  Sure kids are going to want to please their parents.  But, it's especially sad when adults try to please the pastor or those people who are the "Ins."  People will have the freedom to be honest in the respectful environment of the only church in town.

Just for today...

"Boundaries . . . aren't rules I can enforce on others. They are standards of conduct I set for my own benefit . . .  boundaries are a civilizing ingredient in social interaction, a matter of self-respect and respect for others."  Hope for Today (p. 311)

October 25th - It's going to be what it's going to be - let it go

The story...

A wise boss once told me to focus on the 20% of the stuff that's within my control, or that I can strongly influence, to get the best results - the essentials.  Let the random variables bounce around within limits and trust our capable people to address the minor issues as they arise.   Our competitors can waste their time focused on the trivial and wear themselves out trying to control the uncontrollable - "We'll eat their lunch."

Steven Covey developed a useful model of three concentric circles that illustrates how we might best classify issues within our mind.  The innermost circle contains issues that are within our control - it's small.  The next bigger circle contains the issues that we can influence - it's bigger.  The next bigger circle are those issues that we are concerned about yet we can't influence or control.

Circles of: Concern, Influence, and Control

Stephen Covey idea

The only church in town will focus on the essentials for growing each person and the group too.  They'll speak to concerns outside their influence and control yet they won't stay there.  They'll trust the power of God to work out His will in those matters - He's fully capable and trustworthy of managing His creation.  His circles have no boundaries.

Just for today...

"One of my defects of character is to make choices passively - letting things happen rather than taking action."   Courage to Change (p. 299)

"... weather was one of the many things completely out of my control.  This perception relieved me of responsibility for the weather, sunny or cloudy, and reminded me of the many things in life over which I have no control. I can only let go and let them be."   Hope for Today (p. 299)

September 23rd - They repeatedly cut me off - like sticking fingers in their ears

The story...

I recently attended an event with a group of people who I haven't met with for a few years.  As we worked out the socially acceptable conversation, it seemed they didn't want to hear my perspective, ideas, or story.  The frequent interruptions seemed to validate my take on this "group thing" - it appeared that I was violating their norms, values, and unwritten code of acceptable behavior.  It was almost as though the scene was and act in a play and that we were all suppose to act out our assigned roles. The "play" must go on as it has in the past.  Maybe the group was saying: "We've been just fine and dandy and we will not allow you to disrupt our patterns with your big, idealistic, ideas of how we might be better off according to you."  They wouldn't be wrong, I didn't want to be an actor in this play and I don't want to journey down their accepted path that seems to lead to something less than what I hope for.

I did deliver my messaging, although frequently interrupted, without overtly challenging what seemed to be rude and disrespectful behavior on their parts.  I felt rejected by the group and experienced feelings that might've propelled me to quickly react in disrespectful ways - I'm thankful that I showed respect and didn't react negatively.  I don't have to accept future invitations to return.

The only church in town will preach the Word of God - His Word will frequently conflict with the reality of how congregants are behaving and acting out their lives.  People will be free to work out their faith in reality amongst like-minded people within community.

Just for today...

"One of my character defects is to respond in kind to behavior that is directed to me - to react to insults with more insults, to rudeness with rudeness . . .  If I am always reacting then I am never free."  Courage to Change (p. 267)

"I will not try to outwit or outmaneuver anyone else, but will proceed quietly to live my life so I will have less reason for self-reproach. I will withdraw my mind from what others do, and think of what I am doing. I will not react to challenging words and actions."  One Day at a Time (p. 267)

"When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger."  Epictetus

August 26th - W.A.I.T. - Why Am I Talking?

The story...

I'm involved in a mentoring program with a young man whose shoe size is the same as mine.  As we've gotten to know each other, we also learned that we both like to be quiet.  For our game and fellowship time our team name is "Quiet Big Shoes."  The mentoring program questions are normally met by his silence which I've learned to respect - he pondered them - although I doubted that he even heard them at first.  Our quietness seems to respect his right to personal boundaries and the dignity to be just as he is.  Our "attitudes" seem to be a part of the closer relationship that influences both him and me.  We're beginning to like being with each other. We seem to more freely engage both our hearts and minds.

When facilitating brain-storming idea creation exercises, I learned that the best ideas seemed to come after the barrage of quick ideas were over.  There was the interim quiet time where each member of the group seemed to quiet their minds and more comfortably search beyond the limits of their normal operational thinking patterns.  That's the place where the good ideas and new learning seems to pop up into the light of...   I want to live in that place more often.  A similar process seems to occur by myself, with a good friend, with a friendly group, with a not so friendly groups, and within community too.

The only church in town will never be bent according to my will no matter how much dust I kick up trying to convince others that my vision of the "best" or "ideal" is right for us.  What a great thing to be quiet within relationships - growing and walking honestly and humbly together.

Oh... what a joy to be rightly related to God in Christ.  Within my prayers I give praise, thanks, asks, quietly listen, meditate on a truth that God spoke.  Sometimes I fall asleep within our spirit-to-Sprit connection.  Our relationship is mysterious, wonderful, and available through faith in the revealed Word of God.  God knows what's in a man's heart and scripture says the Spirit of Christ indwells those who are His.

Just for today...

W:   Why

A:     Am

I:        I

T:   Talking?

August 25th - I do need my personal boundaries...

The story...

My friend sits across the restaurant table.  They shared a fact, from a few years ago, that seemed to shine a different light on an unresolved, less than comfortable, situation.  The fact seemed like it might help me to reconcile a relationship barrier and the need for my associated "personal boundaries."  I resisted the urge to probe further and quietly listened to my friend.  No, the fact did not resolve the root causes for my personal boundary yet the knowledge did shine more light on the situation.  I'm glad that I didn't rush to pick up and remove the boundaries with hopes that all is well - it wasn't and that's okay.  We do live in an imperfect, and fallen, world that is staffed by selfish-self-justifying people like I'm capable of being.   Boundaries have been helpful to me but I've moved them, and sometimes removed them, as circumstances and people change.

I've a few close friends, many casual friends, a good sized network, numerous acquaintances, and some who don't have my best interest at heart.  Those who've acted in ways that demonstrate that they don't have my best interest at heart are outside my boundaries.  They have their reasons for resisting me, maligning me, or even working to influence others to agree with them - they likely believe their opinions and rationally justify their stance.  It's not my job or right to try to change their opinions or behaviors; yet, I don't have to endure the strain of the relationship.  Yes, boundaries can be helpful.

Will you need boundaries within the only church in town?  Regretfully yes, even those who are rightly related to God in Christ retain their sin nature and ego that tends to clash with others.  I hope that most of the relationships within the only church in town would exhibit a level of respect commensurate with our common position within the Body of Christ.  We're all a work in progress who need community to live better lives.

Just for today...

"Quietness is a great ally, my friend. As long as I keep my poise, I will do nothing to make matters worse."  One Day at a Time (p. 238)

"... I am learning to play a new instrument - myself. I am a person with the capability to experience a wide range of emotions, from love to joy to wonder . . .  just to be alive is a great thing."  Courage to Change (p. 238)

July 27th - Are my boundaries helping me?

The story...

I've frequently bounced into other people's boundaries without a conscious understanding of what they were or why they were built.  Maybe a definitive book on boundaries, backed up by research, would be helpful.  The twelve chapter headings might be titled:

• Barbed wire
• Body armor
• Breakable
• Concrete
  
• Criticized
• Expanding
• God's
• Low
• Missing
• Movable
• Safety
• Transparent

Honestly, I need personal boundaries. It seems reasonable that I'd actually clarify them and review them periodically - I might even need a new one.  Boundaries seem to help us develop those healthy relationships that are key ingredients to the "good life." 

Yes, there'd be healthy boundaries within the only church in town.  People would be allowed to be themselves and grow at their own pace.  Visitors will likely enter the church with boundaries that help them cope with and work out their current lives.  Those boundaries will probably change as the Spirit of God penetrates their lives and as they grow within the safety and grace of God.

Just for today...

"I believed it was my responsibility to help others who could not or did no want to help themselves . . . Doing for other didn't allow them them to be responsible; it enabled them to be irresponsible. Caretaking robs others of the self-esteem that comes from struggling with and conquering the challenges that God has planned for their lives."  Hope for Today (p. 209)

"We must alter our lives in order to alter our hearts, for it is impossible to live one way and pray another."  William Law

July 23rd - Am I trying to bend reality according to my will?

The story...

There are reasons for why I did the things that I did.  Reasons for the good and reasons for the not so good.  Sometimes I ignored information and put on rose-colored glasses to gloss over the truths that would prevent me from working out my will.

Ambervision glasses were good - the world looked better

I learned to be more honest with me and my situation; understanding more fully, albeit incompletely, the way God views my condition and life.  With this in mind, why do I continue to have resentments, for what other people did, crop up into my mind?  I know that the thoughts aren't good for me, or anybody else, yet they seem to reside somewhere, dormant, in the back of my mind.  Do they stay around to reduce the risk of a reoccurrence?

People within the only church in town will need healthy boundaries to work out their faith and life amongst the wide range of people who are likely working out their phase of life the best they can.  Life looks better without willing life to be different or attempting to bend reality.  Our honest humility opens up our trust in God and maybe a few close friends too.  Truly, rest, peace can be found in reality walking humbly with God.

Just for today...

"I am no longer a victim, full of self-pity and bent on control of every aspect of my life." Courage to Change (p. 205)

"Resentments mark the place where I see myself as a victim . . . Feeling resentments was like drinking poison and hoping that the other person would die! . . .  What do I get out of feeling like a victim? . . . I felt protected by my resentments. They acted as a barbed-wire fence to keep away the people I felt had hurt me.  The problem was I kept pricking my own skin on the barbs.  I also was comfortable with my resentments."  Hope for Today (p. 205)