May 25th - Honestly?

The story...

Most people who know me would characterize me as an honest person by nature - a guy who sometimes would be better off keeping his honest ideas to himself.  My family seemed to value integrity and honesty yet I think that we may've been more true to the ideal rather than reality - "put your best foot forward."  I remember my mother getting ready to go to town.  She'd suck in her gut and look her very best into the mirror.  I'd say: "You know that you don't really look like that when you walk out the door."  and she'd say something like: "It doesn't hurt to think your best before...."

What if you don't fit in with the group?  Should you modify your manner, interests, and behaviors to fit in?   What if those in the group frequently respond with fake laughs to most things that're said - do you go along with it to demonstrate unity and likeability?  Do you do what the group does because you want to remain as part of the group?  When this type of behavior occurs the group can believe that everybody thinks the same way they do - the False Consensus Effect.  They might reject you for thinking and behaving differently and classify you as being defective in some way.  Oh... the evils of "group think."

So, I've learned to keep opinions to myself or to have no opinion at all regarding other people - let 'em be and show respect for them just as they are.  That doesn't mean I have to engage in their common behavior - I have the right to respectfully say no without a need to justify my position.  I can be me and let 'em be.  They're different from me, their story's different from mine, and they're in a different stage of life than I am.

Honest Abe

I hope that the only church in town would be a place where people are safe to be honest within the reality of their relationship with God.   The motives are plentiful for wanting to make false claims about this most valued relationship.  Oh to know God and allow Him to shine light on the reality of your faith in Him - let Him have His way as you abide in Christ.  Please don't try to be somebody you aren't.  

Just for today...

"Today it is important for me to be in an environment in which honesty is practiced.  I don't necessarily launch into a detailed description of my woes or my joys - that isn't always desirable or appropriate - but when asked how I'm doing , I try to ask myself what the real answer is."  Courage to Change (p. 146)

"To make good choices, I must develop a mature and prudent understanding of myself that will reveal to me my real motives and intentions."  Thomas Merton: No Man is an Island

March 18th - Groupthink versus Truth

The story...

Solomon Asch conducted a conformity experiment to test the phenomena that's often referred to as groupthink.  In this study, only 25% of the participants would not go along with group consensus when evaluating which line length was a match.  

Reference & Comparison Card Pair - Wikipedia 5/18/24

Personally, I've often experienced the pain of being in that quartile who maintained their integrity when the group's going the other way - "it's just the way I am."  I assume that when the issues are more complex, than assessing the length of lines, the percentage decreases significantly.  Groupthink often results in people going where they don't wanna go - maybe nobody.

Within the only church in town, I hope that God's revealed Word would be the standard for measuring line length.  And, I hope that the grace, love and mercy offered by God, to us in Christ, would be extended amongst community members - freedom from the tyrannical rule of self.  Then, people might have a solid rock foundation for measuring truth - working out a life of integrity, characterized by love, amongst all their groups.

Just for today...

"I can lower my expectations of others and myself, and choose to be happy with progress rather than perfection."  Hope for Today (p. 78)

"I've spent so much time and energy trying to help those who didn't want it, that the opportunity  to make a welcome contribution to someone else's well being is precious to me." Courage to Change (p. 78)

"I will not look for a scapegoat to excuse my own faults."  One Day at a Time (p. 78)

"We must be true inside, true to ourselves, before we can know a truth that is outside us."  No Man Is an Island - Thomas Merton

March 11th - Try or commit?

The story...

I expect that I should give credit for this "learning" to the person who showed me.  However, somebody shared it with him and who knows where it originated.  

The scenario, you ask for someone in the group to commit to completing an assignment.  They respond that they'll "try" to have it done by next Monday.  You take a dollar bill from your wallet and present it in front of them and you say: "try to take this dollar bill."  They pull it out of your hand and you say "No, I said 'try' to take it out of my hand - you actually took it out of my hand."  The receiver may say "huh?" and you repeat the exercise with them a few times before they internalize the idea.  "Try" means that you may or may not accomplish the task and have made no commitment.  Teams work best when people will to do what they say.  I frequently facilitated meetings where people, who were tempted to "waffle" on a commitment, would change their mind when I merely reached for my wallet and they recalled the value of commitment.

"Try to take this from my hand."

I expect that the only church in town would be filled with people who represent the full community.  And, each would be at a different stage of their lives. Together, they'd have all they need to work out the will of God for them, their church, and their community - trusting God with the outcomes.  Each would grow working side by side towards a common aim.  Rather than try, they'd work out their faith together in actualities.  Each person safely in Christ and Christ working out good works through them.

Just for Today...

"My friend and I resolve that in the future we will try less, accept more, and let go of our impatience, self-criticism, and self-hatred.  We take a deep breath and say, "Help me, God."  Courage to Change (p. 71)

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor; for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up!" Ecclesiastics 4:9,10 (NASB)

February 14th - Mask wearing

 The story...

Once upon a time, I was assigned the responsibility to lead a group of about twelve high-school teenagers.  I facilitated an open first session to engage them in a discussion aimed at finding out what topics were most important to them - they didn't know.  I met a college professor, for the first time, after the session and described my class topic dilemma to him.  He suggested we focus on the book TrueFaced (1995) that he previously used with a college class.  The book's main idea was that people often walk through life acting out different roles to cover up their true selves - it's like they have a mask at hand for each occasion.  I did use the material with the class and I remember that the ideas did resonate with them.  The one quote that I frequently recall is: "I prefer that you be who I want you to be rather than who you are, if it's all the same to you." (TrueFaced, p. 32).

The book TrueFaced Experience Guide (pp. 33,34) listed six masking behaviors that you may relate to:

• I become highly sensitized to my own sin and judge the sin of others.
• I lose my objectivity in a crisis and I become the issue.
• I hide my sinful behavior and become more vulnerable to sin.
• I am unable to be loved or to love.
• I become susceptible to wrong life choices.
• I attempt to control others.

Group think and the desire to please others can lead us into acting out a part wearing our own mask(s). After we act out a role long enough, might we forget who we are and where we're going?

The only church in town might offer a grace message - a safer place where people can be truth tellers.  Would it be a loving environment where people are accepted just the way they are?   Freedom is a wonderful thing.

Just for today...

"'Just trust me?' is the last thing you want to hear when you have already carefully concluded that no one can be trusted ... except yourself." TrueFaced Experience Guide (p. 44) 

"We look very impressive - we have learned to package our techniques well - but our self-effort keeps us self-centered and immature . . . Because we are constantly pursuing power and authority, and manipulating to gain control, God can never release us into our future . . . Our relational sadness, our inability to be loved, our festering wounds and broken relationships freeze us in immaturity."  TrueFaced Experience Guide (p. 145)

"Do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with God in Christ."  Micah 6:8 (NASB)

January 7th - Detaching from what others say - be

The story...

My mother didn't like the way my beard looked - for many years, I grew a beard during the fall and shaved it on my Mother's birthday in the spring.  Often when she saw my beard she'd almost automatically say something like: "You look like some kind of dummy with that on! . . . Why don't you shave that off? . . . You look so good without it, why in the world would you do something like that? . . .  Do you know what you look like?"  She may have delivered the same message in a more polite way like:  "If it's all the same with you, would you put on this "mask" so that you can be the person I imagine you to be?"

We all receive messages about us either directly or indirectly.  These messages can lead us to question or defend our imaginary self-image - the one we internalize and project to others.  In response, we may: deny the message and discredit the sender, seek out another who'll offer the praise that our "self" desires, sulk, fight, conform to the image that the "group" has of us, or we might pop our imaginary bubble and start over with a new self-image.

The only church in town will offer a new self image that's based on what, and who, God says we are and what we might be.  Surely, there will be some people who are acting out a "good" role and they might offer us a mask to "try" on so that we might conform to "their" image of what a Christian is.  I hope that we offer the mask givers grace yet trash the mask and act out our faith in reality - just the way we are. 

My mother passed away from this life yesterday and is now with her Savior and Lord. She always loved and hoped the best for me - just the way I was.  I'm so thankful for the many ways she expressed her love to me throughout my first 65 years. I'm praising God for her today and wondering what life will be like without her - I'm an orphan now but not on my own.

Just for today...

"I care enough about myself to take a quiet half hour to relax. But if a half hour is more than I can manage, I can let that be alright. Whatever time I give to myself will be a step forward. If I can stop the wheels from turning for even a few moments, God can take charge and steer me in the right direction."  Courage to Change (p. 7)

"Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it . . . 'God teach me to detach my mind form what others say and do, except to draw helpful lessons and guidance from them.'"  One Day at a Time (p. 7)

November 2nd - Offering, those you're with, your best

The story...

What an odd thing to want the best from others when we aren't willing to be that "good" person ourselves.  Worse yet, what a strange thing to want other people around us to behave according to a "best" standard that we haven't yet defined.

What do I want from those around me?  A listening and understanding ear, respect for all, loving themself and their neighbor, honesty, curiosity, eye for beauty, willingness to learn new things, participate in and support community, courage throughout each day, an optimistic view of eternity grounded in reality, sharing with those in need, and a faith that God loves us and will do good for us within His will?

What if those in our groups took the Boy Scout Oath?  "On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight."

How about the Girl Scout Law?  "I will do my best to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and responsible for what I say and do, and to respect myself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, make the world a better place, and be a sister to every Girl Scout."

Goodness, rooted in a good heart, is infectious and if it starts within each of us then we'll likely all enjoy a better life - "Let it Start with Me."

The only church in town will work out their lives together according to the revealed Word of God.  It will be a reverent place of relationships - me with God in Christ, me with me, me with you, and you with you. 

Just for today...

"I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand as in what direction we are moving." Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809 - 94)

"I will not reserve my deference and respect for outsiders whom I want to please or my pleasant expressions for those I want to impress. The people I live with are worthy of my best behavior..."  One Day at a Time (p. 307)

October 13th - Being who you are or who they want you to be?

The story...

There's a guy I know that's experiencing health changes that allows him to be both less inhibited and also less likely to behave as he's expected to.  I look forward to meeting him and the community interaction seems much more interesting, vibrant and refreshing when he's there - you just don't know what he'll say next.  He's spontaneous and seems to speak from his heart without first passing his thoughts through some filters that he may've refined throughout countless years of adapting to group codes of acceptable behavior.

People are so much fun when they're more themselves rather than the role the group's assigned to them.  They're certainly better than when they attempt to "act" like the idealized role of who the "best" would be.  This is an argument for casual rather than formal dress within community yet we all know there are times when we all do need to agree to be a better version of ourselves for us to accomplish our mission together.  Formal dress does suggest the group's desire for people to act and behave according to a standard that might be more desirable and honorable.  "If everybody would just _____ everything would be fine - just like it use to be."

The only church in town would teach about the Body of Christ and the expected uniqueness of each of the members.  Like a body, there are mouths, ears, little-toes, knees, hair follicles, and eyes - each uniquely equipped to serve its role.  The body will not function well without each behaving just as they are as opposed to all trying to be like the mouth (1 Cor. 12:12-27).  They'd frequently remind each other of this mystical union that's facilitated and empowered by the Spirit of God - God working out His will amongst and through community.

Just for today...

"Did this behavior get me what I wanted or encourage me to feel good about myself?  When I took a good look, I realized that the answer to the question was 'No.'  Loud, angry words and actions demonstrated my frustration and pushed away all hope for peaceful solutions to my problems . . . Easy does it."  Courage to Change (p. 287)