September 19th - The Poison of Hurt and Resentment

The story...

I wanted something from my dad that he couldn't give me.  Did he tell me that it was his to offer or did I just assume he could?  He did stuff along with my older brother that he didn't do with me -  maybe there was something deficient in me?  I assumed that he was a "good" moral person because he did good stuff, was an upstanding member of the community, went to church, and served multiple roles in the church too.  His personality and gifts were different than mine and I couldn't be like him no matter how hard I tried.  So, what did I want from him that he couldn't give?  He did give me much.

I'd like to have known what a good life looked like and that I was worthy, capable and had the power to live one out.  I'd like to have been okay with me and my unique: capabilities, talents and self even though the people of the world seemed to continually challenge my worth.

These guys said I had the power - I don't think they had it to give.

My dad was a good man and good dad - he helped me much and did the best he could with what he had.  I wanted a close relationship with God, my dad, with a few close friends, with my family, eventually alongside a life partner and my community too - these relationships were illusive for me. I'm so thankful for them now.

The relationships that we need might be found within the only church in town.  They can be worked out within the will of God - He's got the power.

Just for today...

"I thought that resentment would prevent me from ever being hurt again . . . living my life under the heavy burdens of rage and resentment were hurting me . . . I experienced a spiritual awakening in the form of a deep desire to let go of those feelings that were poisoning my life . . . I gave up my bitterness and regained my life."  Hope for Today (p. 263)