August 31st - Are you looking for a friend or a pet?

The story...

Earlier in life, I had a difficult time maintaining friendships.  They took too much effort and I inevitably neglected the friendship - it'd sort of drift away.  I assumed that drifting and changing relationships were natural and sort of like the ebbs and flow of life.  I may've neglected them when they ceased to provide me what I wanted or the other person wasn't who I wanted them to be.  Maybe they disagreed with my opinions or had dissimilar interests.  We were different.  Was I looking for a friend or a pet?

Why didn't I tend to accept people as unique individuals and enjoy the differences?  Did I really need to have them agree with me in order for them and me to be okay together?  Were my behaviors learned from my family or did I develop them over time as a sort of personal protection?  I don't know why I behaved that way I did.  Today, I'm enjoying deeper relationships - relationships that may be characterized as mutually respectful, honest, growing, and walking together towards a common aim.

Good place to develop friendships.

The only church in town will be a "rich" field for growing fruitful relationships.  You'll find people to walk alongside as you work out purposeful lives together - fruit bearing lives - more meaningful and loving relationships.

Just for today...

"I will not expect too much; this will shield me from being annoyed at little things that don't go just the way I wanted them to."  One Day at a Time (p. 244)

"I have often tried to change other people to suit my own desires. I knew what I needed, and if those needs weren't met, the problem was with the other person. I was looking for somebody who would always be there but wouldn't impose on me very much. Looking back, It's almost as if I were looking for a pet rather than a human being."  Courage to Change (p. 244)

"Perhaps you should try believing that I believe."  Hope for Today (p. 244)

"Wanted a friend; Got a pet - In control; Faithlessly wet."   Am I a Poet?

August 30th - A pearl of wisdom: substitute "What if" with "Even if."

The story...

They asked me to participate in a group activity that was new to me - there was nothing particularly challenging or demanding on my part.  They didn't say what we'd actually be doing - they just said "give it a try, come along, it'll be fun."  How would it go?   I was a bit uneasy with the unknowns - there was no particular cause that I could put my finger on.  Maybe my discomfort came from my not knowing what to expect or subliminal fears of failure, rejection, or disrespect.

Who taught me to set expectations for future events and to evaluate them regarding how they either met or didn't meet my expectations?   Actually, a wise mentor helped me develop a practice of evaluating business' activities or projects - was it better, the same, or worse than I expected and why?  

"What if they treat me bad, what will I do?" may be substituted with "Even if they treat me bad, I'll be okay and true to who I am."  Setting "bad" expectations is different than expecting little and appreciating the good that's actually experienced - the former seems foolish and the later seems wiser.

The only church in town will offer opportunities to engage in the lives of other people within the body of Christ and the community at large too.  There the light of God's word can be learned - it shines on our hearts and activities to better see "what's going on."  What's going on includes sowing and reaping the good fruit of life.

Just for today...

"I will not expect too much; this will shield me from being annoyed at little things that don't go just the way I wanted them to."  One Day at a Time (p. 244)

"'Perhaps you could try believing that I believe,' I decided to to lean on _____ until I could develop some of my own."  Hope for Today (p. 244)

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image."    No man is an Island, Thomas Merton

"You're interesting; As you are - We're bigger; O'er the bar."   Am I a Poet?

August 29th - Expect little and be thankful for what you receive or what?

The story...

I was asked to help mentor a young man within a mentoring group of eight guys and eight adults.  We performed fun games where there were a win-lose components.  The leader asked that each boy rate their performance on three dimensions.  The first was how they did internally - "was I positive and truly engaged on the inside?"  The second was how they did externally - "did I work well with the others during the game?"  And third - "what was the actual score?"  I was surprised how each of the students contemplated as they assessed each dimension of their performance - they all seemed to truly get it.

Many of my disappointments have come from expecting too much.  And, many of my life victories have occurred, in part, by planning for the best.  How do I reconcile this tension between the two?  It's like a tug-of-war with each side pulling - much tension.  Expect little or plan for the best and don't willingly accept failure?  Might we drop the rope and allow both to co-mingle and exist together.  Is life a win-lose battle in three dimensions: Internally, Externally, and the actual score?

Hope College: 119th annual Pull

I hope that the only church in town isn't a competitive environment where each and all are trying to win in the game of life.  One team pulling together against the other team(s)?  I hope not - this doesn't seem like the character of God as exhibited in the life of our Lord Jesus the Christ.  I expect that He plans for us to abide in Christ and bear fruit in all circumstances - together as the full-functioning Body of Christ - unity.  We need each other and for the Spirit of God to work out His will within each of us too.  We were created by God to be productive, enjoyed and loved too.

Just for today...

"How many of our frustrations and disappointments come from expecting too much! . . . Let me learn to settle for less than I wish were possible, and be willing to accept it and appreciate it. I will not expect too much of anyone, not even myself."  One Day at a Time (p. 242)

"Life can either be a burden and a chore or a challenge and a joy. One day at a time I can meet the challenges of life head-on instead of head-down."  Courage to Change (p. 242)

"I stopped trying to help her take care of herself, which also stopped the fights we had. I put the focus on myself, realizing that in my disease I didn't know where my mother ended and I began. Finding out who I was, apart from my mother, was my first challenge . . . Today my mother and I have an honest and loving relationship based on mutual respect for each other's boundaries. When we speak, I keep the focus on myself and share my experience, strength, and hope rather than telling her what to do."  Hope for Today (p. 242)

"See the grass; Bug and tree - Stars and Galaxies; Point to Thee."    Am I a Poet

August 28th - Who are you?

The story...

The following chorus is from The Who's song "Who Are You."

Well, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

I really want to know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

Tell me who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

Because I really want to know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

A friend of mine surprisingly told me that they didn't grow up with likes or dislikes.  They didn't have a favorite color.  They hid in the shadows and got by - didn't feel valued. They're learning to know and care for who they are at a later stage of life.

My favorite: color was blue; number was 24; football team was the Iowa Hawkeyes; baseball team was the St. Louis Cardinals; olympic event(s) was the Decathlon; candy bar was the Butterfinger; and book was "Brighty of the Grand Canyon."

Bought my favorite book at Stuart School.

What will the only church in town preach regarding who you are?  You're a creature, created by God in His image for His glory - to praise Him and enjoy each other within a relationship based on faith in His revealed Word and great redemptive work.  The good news is that God provides the way for us, inherently selfish people, to walk humbly with God in Christ - through this life and throughout eternity too.  That's the best possible news - really good.  That's who I am!  With Him in Christ!

Just for today...

"As I grew up it seemed that my parents couldn't see me at all. I felt invisible and voiceless. I had no ideas of my likes and dislikes, let alone what I would or would not accept in a relationship. I felt empty inside."  Hope for Today (p. 241)

"Say and do; Pain ensue - Lonely drifter; Garner few."
"Creator planned; You and me - Life lit; We see!"
"Abide now; Hope and joy- His power; Real good boy."     Am I a Poet?

August 27th - DETATCHMENT

The story...

It was a hard and long process for me to form boy-girl relationships and they were even harder and longer to end.  Maybe I was expecting a level of love and attachment that wasn't reasonable or good for either of us.  How did I set expectations for my "true love" relationship?  I don't know the answer.  It's possible that they were good for an ideal world; yet, this world, and the people who work out their lives here, aren't ideal.

Do I need your help and approval in order to be okay?  If I say yes, then my level of "okayness" is tied to your "okayness" with both you and me - ugh.  If I say no, then I have the possibility of being okay with me and freeing you to be okay too.  Might we offer others the freedom and dignity to live out their own lives?

A helpful model came to me from Donald Miller's book "Scary Close," (pp. 206,207).  He illustrates a relationship with three floor pillows: my pillow, our relationship pillow, and your pillow.  The only person who steps on your pillow is you - your soul - same for my pillow.  Both of you can step on the middle pillow because you agreed to be in a relationship.

"Codependency happens when too much of your sense of validation or security comes from somebody else . . . What goes on in the other person's soul is none of your business. All you're responsible for is your soul, nobody else's. Regarding the middle pillow, the question is, 'What do I want in a relationship?' . . . What's going on in other people's minds is none of your business."

"Scary Close." My original reader notes

What would the only church in town look like if they focused on: the gospel; spirit/Spirit relationships; learning and living together; and not on changing other people's minds?  Might they actually work out their own  right relationship with God, in Christ, versus attempting to change other's minds related to the theology that "we" believe in?

Just for today...

"I wasn't really admitting my powerlessness or I wouldn't keep trying to control everyone or everything around me . . . Not my will but Your will."  Courage to Change (p. 240)

"...my skill in detaching rested on my ability to accept my own thoughts and feelings and to become comfortable with myself . . . Because my fate - my very life - was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and to listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to exercise control."  Hope for Today (p. 240)

"We are free to refuse to be hurt by a spiteful remark or malicious action. So the whole matter really rests with us. The choice of accepting or rejecting an offense is ours alone . . . What can words do to me unless I take them to heart?"  One Day at a Time (p. 240)

 "Body buried; Spirit raised - Where's the key; We or me?"    Am I a Poet?

August 26th - W.A.I.T. - Why Am I Talking?

The story...

I mentored a young man whose shoe size was the same as mine - we were matched as part of a summer program.  After we knew each other better, we also learned that we both liked to be quiet.  For our game and fellowship time our team name was "Quiet Big Shoes."  The mentoring program questions were normally met by his silence which I learned to respect.  He did ponder them although I doubted that he even heard them at first.  Our quietness seemed to respect his right to personal boundaries and the dignity to be as he was.  Our "attitudes" seemed to be part of a closer relationship that influenced both of us.  We began to like each other and more freely engage our hearts and minds.

When facilitating brain-storming idea creation exercises, I learned that the best ideas seemed to come after the barrage of quick ideas were over.  There was the interim quiet time where each member of the group seemed to quiet their minds and more comfortably search beyond the limits of their normal operational thinking patterns.  That's the place where the good ideas and new learnings seem to pop up into the light of...   I want to live in that place more often.  A similar process seems to occur by myself; with a good friend; with a friendly group; with not so friendly groups; and within community too.

The only church in town will never be bent according to my will.  My will will be secondary no matter how much dust I kick up trying to convince others that my vision of the "best" or "ideal" is right for us.  What a great thing to be quiet within relationships - growing and walking honestly and humbly together.

Oh... what a joy to be rightly related to God in Christ.  Within my prayers I give praise, thanks, asks, quietly listen, and meditate on a truth that God spoke - I mostly just be.  Sometimes I fall asleep within a veiled spirit-to-Sprit connection.  Our relationship is mysterious, wonderful, and God powered.  He knows what's in a man's heart and scripture says the Spirit of Christ indwells those who are His.

Just for today...

W.AI.T.:   W: Why     A: Am      I: I      T: Talking?

"Clearly still; Acutely crisp - Word of God; Truly bliss."   Am I a Poet?

August 25th - I do need my personal boundaries...

The story...

My friend sits across the restaurant table.  They shared a fact, from a few years ago, that seemed to shine a different light on an unresolved, less than comfortable, situation.  The fact seemed like it might help me to reconcile a relationship barrier and the need for my associated "personal boundaries."  I resisted the urge to probe further and quietly listened to my friend.  No, the fact did not resolve the root causes for my personal boundary; yet, the knowledge did shine more light on the situation.  I'm glad that I didn't rush to pick up and remove the boundaries with hopes that all is well - it wasn't and that's okay.  We do live in an imperfect, and fallen, world that is staffed by selfish-self-justifying people like I'm capable of being.  Boundaries have been necessary but I've moved them, and sometimes removed them, as circumstances and people changed.

I've a few close friends, many casual friends and a good sized network.  I've numerous acquaintances including a few who don't seem to have my best interest at heart.  Those who've acted in ways that demonstrate that they don't have my best interest at heart are outside my boundaries.  They have their reasons for resisting, maligning, or influencing others to agree with them - they likely believe their opinions and rationally justify their stance.  It's not my job or right to try to change their opinions or behaviors; yet, I don't have to endure the relationship strain either.  Yes, boundaries can be helpful.

Will you need boundaries within the only church in town?  Regretfully yes, even those who are rightly related to God, in Christ, retain their sin nature and their ego may clash with others.  I hope that most of our relationships would exhibit a level of respect commensurate with the grace and mercy that we've been gifted in Christ.  We're all a work in progress who need community to live better lives.

Just for today...

"Quietness is a great ally, my friend. As long as I keep my poise, I will do nothing to make matters worse."  One Day at a Time (p. 238)

"... I am learning to play a new instrument - myself. I am a person with the capability to experience a wide range of emotions, from love to joy to wonder . . .  just to be alive is a great thing."  Courage to Change (p. 238)

"Listen and feel; Reacting less - Okay in Christ; Securely blest."
"You're not okay; Hurt us all - Boundary set; Not gonna fall."     Am I a Poet?

August 24th - "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."

The story...

It's my senior year of high school, I'm sitting with two friends in study hall during the last hour of the day,  I realize that she and he want to be together without me - a boundary set up with me on the outside.  It hurt knowing that she chose him over me.  The study-hall monitor says my name for the attendance check - I say "here," then immediately stand up and walk out of school early.  I gave up and treated that monitor with no respect - forcing her into a situation to either report or forgive my behavior - she didn't report me.

When is too much too much?  Is playing it safe in an unsafe world futile?  What level of dignity and personal rights do we deserve?  Are we all worthy of being loved?  Who judges the value of a human life?  Is it worth the effort to live a good life?  Does anybody know what a good life looks like?  If we could agree on what a good life looks like, is anyone capable of actually living one out?

It pushes me to the edge of angry when I witness people hurt other people in an attempt to "bend" reality to satiate their appetites to control like "little gods."  Little gods don't seem to be satisfied with living out their own fantasy, they want others to acknowledge, accept, and celebrate their illusions of self-grandeur.  A never-ending quest to collect medals, evidence, and the approval they crave.  I assume they're not okay with who they actually are.

Network (1976)

Sure, people will get angry within the only church in town when their personal boundaries are violated. When their needs and wants aren't met for too long.  When they see the ways of the world worked out and flaunted.  When particular people are admired, celebrated, and sought out for approval.  Yet when people are finally broken, give up trying to be good, stop seeking the approval of others, or get mad as hell and decide not to take it anymore; then, the clarity of the "good news," the message of "grace," shines like the brightest light illuminating "what's going on."  Oh that they might witness God's great saving and freeing work in Christ.  Praise God that it's by grace that I rightly stand with God in Christ. 

It was for freedom that Christ set us free (Galatians 5:1).

Just for today...

"I am human and I get angry, but I don't have to act out my anger in destructive ways . . . Whether my usual response is to scream, sulk in cold silence, or lash out with cruel words, today I can look at what I do when I get mad."  Courage to Change (p. 237)

"What of this?; God's secure  - Even if that; We endure."  Am I a Poet?

August 23rd - Wait . . . there is something wrong with them . . . they might need help?

The story...

Along with other retired people, I sometimes drive around town on weekdays between 10am and 11am.  Some days, I forget and become frustrated with slow and unexpected driving maneuvers.  The feelings drive me to say, in my mind, something like: "Is there something wrong with you?"  Strangely, that's the first part of a better more heartfelt question:  "Is there something wrong with you, and how might I help and love on ya neighbor?"

We know that everybody has strengths and weaknesses.  Even the most saintly servant of God has a sin nature that motivates them to make sub-optimal, self-satisfying, decisions and maneuvers.  Some aren't capable or ready to do better and they need our help.

The only church in town will honestly preach the reality of our life in Christ - right and safe with God in Christ.  Lasting peace and purpose will be found there amidst life's circumstances.  They need you there and you might just be loved there too.

A good friend suffered here alone; yet, he wasn't alone.

Just for today...

"I developed a tremendous fear of making mistakes. It seemed crucial to cover every possible outcome, because mistakes often led to an avalanche of accusations and abuse from . . . and eventually from myself . . . When I stop struggling to be perfect and admit when I am wrong, I can let go of my guilt and shame."  Courage to Change (p. 236)

"What if that?; They'll surely say... - I'll be hurt; Please stay away."
"Won't make errors; Don't be bad! - Pretending helps; Often sad."
"Okay in Christ; Hearts a'lift - God's got this; Even if!"    Am I a Poet?